Conversation with myself

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Submitted by cadethefaun on
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Right now I guess its time to do more work on myself. I guess. I spent 5 years with no sex and no relationships working on myself.

Relationships aren't working out, so I will just keep working on myself.

Someday, some girl will come along and either think I'm totally awesome for all the work I've done becoming me or think I'm a total pain in the ass because I have all this armor around myself trying to protect from all the past hurts and stuff..

Or, maybe, she'll think both.

The point is she will think what she thinks because she is trying and not finding excuses to leave me, like many have done.

So, I'm working on some stuff. Found this :

And I have been reading The way of the superior man
And plan on some No More Mr Nice Guy work soon

I just had a conversation with the oracle on here.
Or was the conversation with the universe.
Nope, pretty sure the conversation was really with myself

I use the I ching periodically but have never sat and asked the oracle more than one question once in a while. However I asked a question last night that ended in : Be curious, ask questions to gain understanding

So here's a part of that conversation :
Can I self karezza?(meaning is there some meditation/self pleasure or something that can calm my intense desire)
fuzzy thinking - refusal to join with another - this is a good time to exit
Do you mean exit fuzzy thiinking or exit literally(maybe going out somewhere is a good idea right now) ?
relating things to your own life and attitudes - failure to act - depend on a strong helper; don't try it on your own
Where to find the helper?
(Lost the page before I could copy it, but it was something like) Depletion of life energy(which is fair; I haven't practiced as much ejaculatory continence lately) - demeaning behavior - enthusiastic nourishment leads to success



Ayurveda recommends things

Ayurveda recommends things like self massaging with sesame oil. Take a bath. When you're wearing a t-shirt with short sleeves, rub your arms up and down slowly. All of that is pleasurable stuff. Since you say you don't err... "practice ejaculatory continence", you probably want to keep your hands off your dick when you do that, it'll just draw you in.

I don't put much credence in all that "taoist" solo cultivation stuff. It's just edging and makes things worse.

Where do you find the helper you ask? Where do you find the one who needs to be helped?

I Love It!

Marnia, I so appreciate your wisdom, compassion and support! Let me say it again:

"the wrong turn you take when with a partner, and you need to nourish them more wisely"

You need to nourish them more wisely...I pray for such wisdom

No More

I found the No More Mr Nice Guy to be a hard uncompromising road. I dunno what the women who stay with such men are like. I would imagine somewhat masochistic. Being loved for who you are is admirable, as is being unapologetic for who you are. I love the John Irving book "In One Person" for that. But some compromise is necessary in a relationship.

Respect-Me Rules

by Michael and Shelly Marshall is a great little book on boundaries. Walls keep everyone out, while good boundaries let the good in and keep out the toxic. My wife and I set two excellent boundaries on day one of our two year courtship, and have sailed through five years of a very happy marriage. With good boundaries we always know what to expect from each other and we easily work out the very few conflicts that do come up. Where to Draw the Line: How to Set Healthy Boundaries Every Day by Anne Katherine is also an excellent, straight-forward, well written book.

Great boundaries work very well with sidestepping Cupid's Poisoned Arrow as a couple.

Our personal experience with boundaries

The two boundaries that my wife and I set at the beginning of our relationship:

1. We would not make any decision that we were not both happy with. That way I was not ever using power over her and she was not ever using power over me. When we got married, there was no adjustment to make because this boundary had worked so well.

In fact, when I asked her to marry me, she thought over our two years together for a few minutes, and her memory was clear that I had never tried to control her. We had always worked things out and come to a mutually agreeable decision. She knew she could trust me to treat her as an equal. She then looked directly at me with a big smile and said very enthusiastically, "I would love to be your wife!" In that moment my heart was healed from some toxic words spoken by a woman I loved many years earlier.

2. We would not engage in any sexual activity before marriage. We both knew we could not build a solid relationship if either of us violated our conscience. We had both been wounded deeply by previous relationships, and taking sex off the table gave us the space we needed to build deep trust with non-sexual touch and to get to know each other on many important issues.

The "Respect-Me Rules" book has helped us to set boundaries with consequences for some very toxic people in our life. The main thought is "If you disrespect, I will disconnect." If you set a boundary with consequences, the toxic person either makes changes for the better if they value their relationship with you, or they go looking for someone else to abuse. Many people who have allowed themselves to be verbally, emotionally, or physically abused for years have a poor self image. This book helps the reader to see their true worth and to navigate safely through, or out of, thorny relationships, step by step.

The "Where to Draw the Line" book helps the reader with workable boundaries in every area of life. Many people have good boundaries in one or more areas but poor boundaries in other areas. This book is very practical and helps to fill in any gaps.

I just wanted to say for the

I just wanted to say for the benefit of anyone here that..

Yeah, at the time I wrote this, I believed what I said, however..

At this point in my life I am way happier than I was back then and one of the key beliefs that led me here was, instead of thinking like I need to work on myself and become "better" or whatever..

My current attitude is really more like,
F**k that, f**k them, I don't need to be anything for anyone, I'm not the greatest or the worst but I add value to someone's life, and if they don't like it, they can f**k off and I can move on..

but, actually I really think much more healthy viewpoint..

Glad to hear

that things are going better for you. Getting centered and finding a healthy relationship can both be challenging in the current environment. Congratulations on your progress!