Drinking in the new poison

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So I met this new girl shortly after my out of town girlfriend left. She acted and expressed high interest in me at first.

We haven't had sex, but spent a couple nights cuddling and making out, and I had talked to her about my philosophy that exclusive, but not necessarily serious or committed right away is the way to go. How else can you find out really about a person and if they are right for you if you don't focus on one? And she even seemed open when I was talking about the slow sex stuff.

So, after a while, she asked if we were being exclusive, and I just said ya, as I said it's the way to go. And she agreed,

But she had told me her ex was abusive(rhetorical: why do I keep meeting these women?)

So, everything was fine for a few days after the exclusive thing, then she disappeared on me.  ??  She told me her phone was broken, she's staying with family, and that she would let me know when she gets back. This message was on social media. After a while, I got a ?poke? and I'm thinking WTF?

I would have just cut her off, I'm used to this by now, and found it works much better in the end to not accept bullshit. My out of state girlfriend improved her behavior greatly after I flipped out on her about her disrespecting me and didn't talk to her a few days. However, I consulted the I ching and the oracle advised against this in this case...

After a week and a half of no contact, I sent her a message on social media, expressing my frustration with this and what am I waiting around for and if you can't message, at least poke me again to give me a hint you're still interested.

So, then she poked me. At first I'm thinking, "Ok, everything is cool..." Then she messaged me all about how she had lost her job, her phone shut off, her place to stay and was staying at a friends and had fallen in a deep pit of depression and confusion about what to do about her situation and what's best for her daughter. That she's sorry if she leads me on or hurts me, but wants to be friends and misses me.

So, today, I just thought, how bout I buy her a phone and send it to her. just like a prepaid $30-40 for a month of txt and calls. I even told her it's a fair exchange anyway, as she had bought me a few things. She refused, saying she is "too independent" and "not good at accepting things"

WTF ever. At this point, yeah, it sucks if she really had all that happen to her. But refusing my help, not talking to me for 2 weeks, excuses, excuses... I am now ready to give her my spiel, "I don't want to be friends, I have enough friends and can spend time on girls who actually like me, etc., good luck" and so on

I'm so frustrated. I really started to like this girl, but I'm just wishing for my out of state girlfriend right now. Yeah, she hurt my feelings at first with the "we're friends and nothing more" thing, but in the end, I started to really trust her because she never really decieved or lied to me about it. She never promised anything she couldn't deliver on and over-delivered on her promises. For example, she would say she is busy and doesn't know if she has time today, but then suddenly text me and have time, meaning she MADE time for me, and with the new girl, I'm really just thinking if she actually liked me even a fraction of what she was letting on at first, she would make time to at least talk or whatever, even if she's busy and her life is hellish.

And ya, the title of this blog is sort of a joke.



Why do we get attached to

Why do we get attached to anyone? What's the point? Why even roll the dice on someone?

I like her because she is attractive and treated me well.

I guess if we all could remain unattached and not give a f*ck everything would flow smoothly, right?

I become attached to people bc I'm an aries sun/scorpio moon and can't help it, sometimes I'm passionate and intense. Some love it, some don't.

She's a taurus and wants me to slow down, I guess...

I'm used to games and there doesn't seem to be any, so maybe my mind is making them up...

its just that

asking about being exclusive after 2 days of knowing someone may have set off her smoke alarm. just go in the direction of developing a relationship without all the thinking about the future of the relationship.
you said
"I'm used to games and there doesn't seem to be any, so maybe my
mind is making them up..."
welcome to the club, our minds are continually making things up but with meditation we can learn to find some open space and trust our experience.

I forgot to mention, right

I forgot to mention, right after my first post on this blog entry, she hit me with wanting to take things slow. Not wanting to hurt herself or someone else by rushing in and getting attached too soon and not wanting to confuse her daughter and she hoped I see where she's coming from. So I said a few words about how that was the point of the exclusive, but not necessarily serious or committed right away and that I wanted slow also or would've moved for sex and not just made out with her. I haven't heard back from her yet

And I did know her more than 2 days when we had that original exclusive talk

But, still I just keep thinking that someone who was even a fraction of the interest she showed in the beginning, would show it more, unless she's afraid to.

So, I can tell her that slow is good, but that not even seeing her face for 3 weeks that's just TOO slow for me, and that I will see other people...

Or, I can wait and not give a f*ck, and if she's interested, eventually I will hear from her...

From the sound of it

her life is an upside down mess right now and she probably has other priorities than you. I think it was sweet of you to want to rescue her, but she declined and she may have excellent reasons for doing so.

If I were you, I'd move on, and not take any of her behavior personally. If she has fires burning and can't accept help, she truly probably can't manage more than a "poke." Find someone who can.

Besides, a person with so many demands on her is not a good candidate for karezza.

Yeah, so I left her alone for

Yeah, so I left her alone for a while and she suddenly started messaging me again.

Earlier that day, I was at work and had this gut feeling that she would talk to me again when her depression lifted. And so her first message said that she had been dealing with her ex for a week and a half and that he finally left and we started messaging back and forth for a while and she asked what I was doing the next day and said she would be in the neighborhood, so she ended up coming to my house. After a night of cuddling and some kissing(it was hard to do more than that, she had her daughter with her and I have kind of a small place), she went home and then after a while I got a message friendzoning me again! Scratch one-s head

I feel used. At one point during our night together, she had said that, being around me, she feels calm and relaxed(which is new for her), of course those are just words.

I understand she is dealing with a lot, however would really like to know that my effort won't be in vain and that if I stick with it, things will be better between us when her life is less chaotic.

I'm debating with myself whether to just ignore her for a good while(2-4 weeks) and then see how she feels... And ya I realize this is sort of a childish kind of a game playing thing to do, but usually when women friend zone me, it really means be my backup boyfriend while I date men who treat me like garbage and come crying back to you and this has been the only thing that ever got me out of it.

Basically, staying as a backup boyfriend isn't good or helpful for me or the girl in question. I'm enabling a bad behavior cycle and disrespecting myself. But it sounds like maybe this isn't the case with her. Still she is acting in a very confusing manner, so naturally I'm confused.

My advice

would be to run a mile in the opposite direction and not look back. Part of me can't believe you would consider playing this same game again with another manipulative women. Part of me realizes that there must be some historical/developmental reason you are drawn like a moth to these flames.

Either way, work on yourself and steer clear. If she doesn't value the good feelings she has with you, she has nothing good to offer you just now.

Wish I could be more optimistic - and less blunt, but it's excruciating watching you do this to yourself repeatedly while blaming your partners.

Thanks for being blunt,

Thanks for being blunt, actually, it sorta snapped me out of it. My first reaction was, when someone puts you in the friendzone, put them in the no friend zone, But I wasn't following it because the IC said 52 keeping still and another one that suggested not doing anything right now.

I do have compassion for everything she is going through right now, but the fact is, she is still fucking w my emotions in her confused state and at the very least I will not talk to her for a good while, that seems to work well, but I never did it with my ex, and we see how that turned out, so I figured at the very least, I won't talk to her until I feel the power is more balanced, right now it feels like she has all the power... And, if she doesn't start being more equal footing with me, then she's just done...


Keep still and don't do anything are consistent with my two cents. Smile

Good people on a screwed up planet often have an urge to rescue. That's not bad, but make sure something is your assignment before you start obsessing and fantasizing over the potential in the situation. Sounds like she's telling you loudly and clearly that she's not your assigment.

What can you do to meet healthy women? Are there any activities you like? Can you start a meetup-type activity? Learn ultimate frisbee?

Ya, I just seem to meet women

Ya, I just seem to meet women from time to time these days. so I'm not worried. I asked some online and offline friends and they were all either saying:

yeah drop it, she must not be interested or really care about you

OR have compassion and think about her and all she's dealing with and stop taking it personally.

One of my friends who is also a single mother said no matter how crazy my life is, yeah, I'm gonna msg someone back if I like them.

However, just today a friend told me something that got me thinking differently. Basically that this girl wouldn't say things like about feeling calm around me if she didn't like me and this friend told me a story about a guy she really really liked, but she was so scared and didn't know what to do so she did nothing, and in the end it didn't work out.

But maybe that story doesn't matter. I can't make her not be afraid. One thing I've learned in life is that trying to protect yourself from being hurt doesn't work. People will still get you to trust them and then betray you. But, it does protect you from good things like love and intimacy and friendship...

And no, I wasn't trying to rescue her, just spend time

I never said

she didn't like you. I said she is manipulating you and has nothing good to offer you just now. If you want to get involved, it's your call, but this is not really a good forum for sharing the details of your unhealthy courtship. I'd feel like an enabler to encourage you here. Sorry.

When you try karezza, we'll be all ears. Biggrin

One last thought on this. The

One last thought on this. The fact that in the beginning she was saying what a great guy I was and a few weeks ago that she felt super depressed and confused and now she's back with him tells me that cognitive dissonance won over....

But, that's not my problem...