eventful week

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So, I have been working on myself. I have read a few chapters in No More Mr Nice Guy. Very enlightening. It talks about how we put layers around ourselves to attempt hiding our flaws and all it does is put layers between us. And that the flaws are what enable us to become close.

Apparently, women don't like men to be "perfect"   Shok

So, I have been working on being authentic to myself, needing approval only from myself, and standing on my own two feet with my self-esteem. The thinking and idea of it is that I can take the time I need to get myself together so I can be a good man to the next woman who comes along, but I also have to balance this idea with the idea that I don't have to be perfect so I'm not just shaming myself. Actually just knowing this stuff, the idea of not needing anything, knowing that people in general and also women enhance my happiness, not create it, makes a huge difference how easy it is to interact with people

And I met this new girl at work. She is young, and I wouldn't normally be interested in someone this young, but, as soon as we started talking, it was like magic. I felt an instant connection, a real connection(instant mutual like) nothing like my crushes or anything I've felt b4 and although I was a bit nervous, it wasn't like my normal nervousness I feel. Every word and communication felt so easy. I found myself saying things I wouldn't normally say, and having fun doing it. And she kept standing close to me. I guess this is what people mean by chemistry?

Just talking to her really has helped a lot with the toxic shame. I'm just doing my best to keep in mind the idea that I don't have to be perfect and rembember it's just the shame talking.

She isn't super hot, but a bit above average, and somehow, I just find her incredibly sexy(that connection maybe). And I have a feeling she likes me, too.Biggrin

Unfortunately, she has a boyfriend, but we will be friends and I will play it cool and see what happens. I used to buy into the PUA idea that you have to make a move now, b4 it's too late or blah blah blah, then get freaked out by the idea and unable to do anything about it(It's based on the idea that you aren't good enough isn't it), but have thought recently it's better for me to take the attitude of letting go and allowing things to unfold, be patient. My conclusion is that my not having female companionship so long at this point could only be caused by myself getting in the way, so I have to get myself out of the way, so to speak. If we only become friends, that will be great.

Although most of my issues stem from childhood, my being with a Borderline Personality girlfriend a few years back really crystallized a few things.

I am very hopeful of this situation though, and completely terrified.

Comments

let me introduce a different spin

The fact that you have this connection you feel -- she probably feels it too.

But you are very, very afraid of rejection. And why be so afraid? What's so terrible about rejection?

There is no time like the present. Why not make a move? Why not make your intentions and interest known? 

Isn't it "nice guy" behavior to hide your romantic or sexual interest and just "be friends" hoping and believing that in time she will see you as an attractive romantic or sexual partner?

Maybe I'm wrong. I don't know. But I think that most of the time, we men delude ourselves in order to avoid rejection.

Then again, I'd rather make my intentions known, be turned down, and move on, rather than hang on to a woman hoping that things move more in a certain direction.

It's her business if she has a boyfriend, not yours. She might want to go out with you. She might want you to be her boyfriend. You may want to be her boyfriend. Why prejudge the situation? Most girls have a boyfriend at some level, so what? Don't cheat her and yourself of what could be a fantastic romance.

That's my different spin :)

 

 

 

I took emerson's advice

Actually I couldn't hold it in anymore. I had to say or do something. So, on the ride home,(carpooling, her next to me)I told her how cute she was and that her lips looked very kissable and how much I enjoy being around her. I got a big grin with eye gazing and a "thaaaanks!". She looked slightly away after a few seconds and stroked her hair a few times. Then there was a little bit of unrelated conversation b4 she was dropped off. She got out, stood by the half open door and turned to me and said a friendly "see you tomorrow". She didn't really say anything about how she feels about me or what or if this means anything for us or to her(except sounding very appreciative).

 

Guess I'm still back at wait and see... With a little less toxic shame, though.

 

edit: don't know what happened with the 00000s?

wow, you are good!

how wonderful that you did this. The hair stroking and looking away is classic body language women unconsciously use for "I'm interested." It's so great when you take a step like this. It makes it easier the next time, and the next time, and before you know it, you will be living a different life. I'm thrilled for you.

Not sure how to proceed now.

Not sure how to proceed now. Do I wait it out or try to make a move again? Is she possibly secretly waiting for me to?

Anyway, that's what was on my mind. We had a moment alone in the car and I thought "what the hell" and asked her if I could kiss her. She said, of course, "No, I have a boyfriend. If I didn't, believe me, things would be different." Still trying to figure out how my mind gets, "I'm completely uninterested in you" out of that answer, not to mention all the other evidence. Not a horrible answer, but, of course I took it in reverse, mentally thinking oh no she doesn't like me anymore, now we won't even be friends, blah blah blah, all day and I realized this is referred to in the book as cognitive dissonance. Basically bc good things are happening,(our friendship and us enjoying each other's company is a good thing, right? Plus me learning to stand on my own two feet) and I have deep down core beliefs of shame and badness from childhood, those beliefs rear their ugly heads when I try to change things(I'm thinking entities or bad spiritual attachments also, since I believe in this). For some reason, I just can't seem to get "she is interested, stop worrying" to sink in and allow me to just let things happen.

And, really, absolutely nothing changed with what I said this morning. Interesting that I chose that moment to feel rejected. I was just freaking out and hope I can recover back to not needing around her and everyone else. Actually I have felt needy many times around her inwardly and it didn't seem to make a difference. I think it's bc I realized it was just toxic shame talking and I don't have to be perfect to attract women. Just believing this makes a difference, I guess, or maybe it's just possible for a woman to like me for me, even with issues.

I'm having a hell of a time with this, but I do want to stay friends with her and keep the friendship centered around our mutual attraction and see what happens, if, for no other reason than I have never done it before.. I gotta keep going even if I fail, bc I am learning a lot...

Gods... I wish I could just be someone else for a few minutes and look at my problems from their perspective.

what other things can you do

to meet women?

Is there something you can do to make some approaches? The rest of it is just the mind chattering away as it likes to do. My mind does that all the time. It chatters about why I shouldn't do something or what will go wrong, and I just listen, label that thought as garbage, and proceed to do something anyway.

It's action that really counts. And action now would be to use your momentum and your sense of resolve and go out and socialize. Meetup groups, yoga class, dance class, can you do some of these things? 

If nothing else, once you have all these other things going, you'll prove much more magnetic to this young lady. And you'll get more opportunities to ask women out, which is always great.

It's getting hard. Although I

It's getting hard. Although I love hanging out with her and she pretty much said the same about me, and I get this wonderful yin-yang exchange with her, the old programming keeps kicking in.

Thoughts like, she's leading me on, she's fucking me over, etc. and really that's just based on the resentment idea right and not true giving, not the new paradigm, but hard to face...

Leading on requires, first the idea that I should be getting more than I am, and, second, the idea that I'm not getting something of equal exchange for my effort, right?

If I search my feelings, I don't really feel that... hmm...

In your thoughts

is it possible for her to be faithful to her boyfriend and still enjoy your company? Is she necessarily "leading you on" if that's the case?

What about saying how much you enjoy her company but that you want to find a mate for yourself? Ask her to fix you up with a friend. If she's thinking of changing, that might help her make up her mind.

But keep in mind that a woman who easily switches partners, will easily do so again. Maybe you're fixated on the wrong person for a real relationship, whether or not she is willing to move on from her existing relationship.

I don't really think she is

I don't really think she is leading me on, she has been fairly clear.  I just start hearing old PUA programming come up and say these things.

I'm still in a place where the old shame programming stuff, it's not ok to simply be myself, comes up and then have moments I want to project it onto her. Even being friends with her is a good thing, and, of course the old program hasn't died yet and doesn't like it.

Actually, I'm in the chapter on putting your needs first and was actually thinking about telling her that I have to hang out with her less so I can have some space from her, that, no spite or anger, I just need to keep working on myself and to keep thinking about her isn't helping. something like that. IDK if it's the right idea or no... Is it ok to think about someone a lot that you just treasure their friendship , being around them? I mean, my feelings can't be purely friendship, bc I just don't feel that way, but I do make sure to remember what it is and what it isn't. And, sometimes I just think how much I enjoy the friendship.

And yes, I am a bit confused bc I have never done this b4. Just been friends with a girl I am attracted to.