So, I have been working on myself. I have read a few chapters in No More Mr Nice Guy. Very enlightening. It talks about how we put layers around ourselves to attempt hiding our flaws and all it does is put layers between us. And that the flaws are what enable us to become close.
Apparently, women don't like men to be "perfect"
So, I have been working on being authentic to myself, needing approval only from myself, and standing on my own two feet with my self-esteem. The thinking and idea of it is that I can take the time I need to get myself together so I can be a good man to the next woman who comes along, but I also have to balance this idea with the idea that I don't have to be perfect so I'm not just shaming myself. Actually just knowing this stuff, the idea of not needing anything, knowing that people in general and also women enhance my happiness, not create it, makes a huge difference how easy it is to interact with people
And I met this new girl at work. She is young, and I wouldn't normally be interested in someone this young, but, as soon as we started talking, it was like magic. I felt an instant connection, a real connection(instant mutual like) nothing like my crushes or anything I've felt b4 and although I was a bit nervous, it wasn't like my normal nervousness I feel. Every word and communication felt so easy. I found myself saying things I wouldn't normally say, and having fun doing it. And she kept standing close to me. I guess this is what people mean by chemistry?
Just talking to her really has helped a lot with the toxic shame. I'm just doing my best to keep in mind the idea that I don't have to be perfect and rembember it's just the shame talking.
She isn't super hot, but a bit above average, and somehow, I just find her incredibly sexy(that connection maybe). And I have a feeling she likes me, too.
Unfortunately, she has a boyfriend, but we will be friends and I will play it cool and see what happens. I used to buy into the PUA idea that you have to make a move now, b4 it's too late or blah blah blah, then get freaked out by the idea and unable to do anything about it(It's based on the idea that you aren't good enough isn't it), but have thought recently it's better for me to take the attitude of letting go and allowing things to unfold, be patient. My conclusion is that my not having female companionship so long at this point could only be caused by myself getting in the way, so I have to get myself out of the way, so to speak. If we only become friends, that will be great.
Although most of my issues stem from childhood, my being with a Borderline Personality girlfriend a few years back really crystallized a few things.
I am very hopeful of this situation though, and completely terrified.