Friends it is i guess

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So I developed performance anxiety bc she was being too wishy washy about the relationship and I couldn't feel safe to have sex. One day I love yous and then once a week or two I got lets break it off.

she got angry about the performance anxiety, we fought about it and I guess we are just friends now. She says she really needs to b alone for a while to work on herself and she is probably right. I need somewhat more emotional stability for intimacy to work for me.

But, I suspect there is a bit of emotional blackmail going on... I think she really wants to be intimate, but doesn't believe she can actually be a nice person, thats why she threatens to break it off, be friends only,and other such stuff

And she doesn't have to be perfect, just... better.

I see a victim mentality. But, all I can do is stop being a victim myself, live the life I want, and hopefully she will follow. Sad

I have a feeling that this "just friends" thing won't last. It never did and never does. We started out as "just friends" with just cuddling...

This time I just have to make sure she is more stable. She WILL work on herself, she is aware of the problem and always working on self improvement... maybe too aware

 

 

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she did read it when you

she did read it when you provided the link in my last blog entry.

she had kind of a reaction like kind of entitlement. She did admit trying to please herself when I had issues, and did it a lot lately but said it wasn't really satisfying, so maybe selling the satisfaction more pleasure in karezza angle might work? She gets kinda stubborn when she feels I'm telling her what to do so maybe I need a soft sell?

we just had a conversation over the phone where she was talking about us being friends for a while and still hanging out and doing the same things minus sex, then eventually going back into relationship when we are both more grounded and then she was talking about our future together and the dynamics of our relationship for a while and towards the end she was talking more like we should be friends a while and said a little something about how when we move together, which we still have plans to do no matter what happens between us, I could find someone who suits me more(which I don't really want to do)

This is typical with her. My best bet to avoid feeling confused is to go with my previous assertion: I will live the life I want, stop being a victim and hopefully she will follow. Other than that, maybe I can get her to read the copy of slow sex by diana richardson I bought for us.

Well good luck

Good idea trying another angle.

If ever you reconnect sexually, see if you could get her to try the Exchanges in our book. It's a 3-week fixed program, so the other person knows when the experiment will end. They aren't making a lifetime commitment to the practice. They're just testing. She needs to skip the self-pleasuring, but only for those 3 weeks...unless she likes the results.

Maybe she'll be inspired by this story:

Nils: I'm a 17-year old boy from Norway. I've had a girlfriend since 9th grade. I laughed when my friend told me different stories from this subreddit.  [about the benefits of giving up masturbation]. I told him that I would try it just to prove this wrong, frankly to prove him wrong. I wanted to make him understand that fapping to porn has absolutely no effect. I didn't feel the slightest need to try this for my own needs.

I don't meet my girl every day and I do have sort of an obsession with fapping when it comes to being alone. Even after being with my girlfriend and having sex earlier, I could feel the blood rushing through my veins when I started thinking of the damned computer screen filled with naked ladies. lol.

4 days without fapping to porn I felt the strangest feelings. I wanted to lie to myself because what my friend told me would happen did happen. I felt humbled, felt like I have for years walked around with my thoughts like a puzzle in my head, trying to collect the whole picture of things. Everything became so much clearer. I felt more energetic and I also started laughing even more. I can talk to girls in a way I have never done before. I have always looked (thought of/at) girls as something that will later on lead to a relationship which it always has, but suddenly they became my friends, and that's what I want. I also walk around with this tingling feeling downstairs, which makes me sometimes laugh to myself and feel more joy.

After being with a girl for almost three years, I, like many others, had some problems from time to time to feel the ''excitement'' during sex, and instead watched the clock until I was home jerking off. A day ago, I got together with my girl, and with only a kiss I felt the blood rushing as it has NEVER done before. I felt like I was having GOOD sex for the first time. And I'm SURE she felt that way too, ha. I am only 6 days in!! I feel strong urges to watch porn sometimes, but as I have read, a cold shower works!

 

Well we're still talking

Well we're still talking everyday, phone, txt, so far.

She made a comment last night that pissed me off about never having good sexual experiences since she moved to this area.

The last time we had good sex b4 my performance anxiety it lasted 3 hours including foreplay and at the end she gushed about how I was her favorite person and even shed a tear or two. And in the beginning when we were just in the touching and cuddling phase I would do very slow things for example like kissing her legs, slowly up and down and she would say things like how no one has touched her quite like I do and I know I introduced her a little to how slow sex is better, but if she can't remember that, I don't know where things will go.

But I have a feeling she really said that bc she wants things to be the way they were and is a little bitter or angry. Why else would she completely discount the good experiences?

But, I need to not feel bad so maybe if she comments like that again I will just gracefully end the conversation, letting her know it isn't cool in some way and I will talk to her later...

Brain balance dictates perception

I've heard similar nonsense from men. Once they fall out of love, they say they were never in love. Truth is, when your brain (temporarily or permanently) loses the capacity for bliss and satisfaction and deep connection, you project those feelings outward. Then it's always somebody else's fault that you feel a sense of lack and dissatisfaction.

Except that it isn't. It's her own "neurochemical blackhole" and no one else can fix it. She needs to manage her sexuality (and brain balance) better. Did you read this thread? http://www.reuniting.info/content/karezza-and-negative-emotional-attache...

Meanwhile, trust your own perceptions (assuming you've been keeping your brain in balance Wink ).

I think you gain more from

I think you gain more from sex with a person over self stimulation even if you orgasm. This is probably part of the equation.

She probably wants to start over as friends and be alone more to work on herself bc she senses on some level she needs to rebalance.

 

I think mostly this situation

I think mostly this situation was created or came up when I had performance anxiety for a while as above stated. She wanted validation and felt sexually frustrated and started pleasing herself more. She prefers the real thing for sure or we wouldn't have fought and so I want to get things together a bit on my end too. Im not saying its my fault, but it happened that way and now maybe the situation will help me enlighten her...

I was at her house today and she was nice. We had a conversation where she said she might be addicted to sex and I started talking about slow sex / tantra stuff and she said something negative about it, but when I had been doing it more that way(imperfectly, I haven't got it all down yet) she never said anything negative. We cuddled some with no kissing or sex and Im pretty sure it helped both of us. I think I will see if she will read one of the books Ive got slow sex or cupid...

I think my best bet is something someone said on here, I think Darryl, that the best way for a man to introduce this slow sex karezza tantra tao stuff to a partner is through leading by example, or doing. I'm not  quite ready to give up on her just yet...

so, today, she hit me with

so, today, she hit me with the lets end this relationship again.....  less than 24 hours after a good night together that I know for fact we both enjoyed, even without the sex

I guess I can't educate her this way....

Idk what to do anymore...

"Let's end this relationship"

is different from "I want some alone time to work on myself." As I suggested before, I would immediately say (in a light, calm, non-angry fashion - you're not trying to burn any bridges) "That's fine, I'll consider myself to be a free agent and will be on the lookout for other women. If you decide you want to get back together with me, or you just want to cuddle, before I've found someone else, you are welcome to give me a call."

If she gets upset, you can tell her that you are getting tired of the on again, off again stuff.

that sounds good, I was

that sounds good, I was thinking of also saying something like sorry I can't perform but I literally can't be sexual with someone who doesn't support me or make me feel safe emotionally.

I honestly think if I didn't talk to her for a week it would actually give her a wake up call. She says she misses me when I'm gone, but I don't think she actually fully realizes that she does....

well after a few days away

well after a few days away from me, she was practically begging me to go visit her, but I was busy. Then, we finally saw each other and she gushed about how much she loved me, and that she understood my problem and would be understanding and all. We hung out over the next two nights and she kept saying things about how much she loved me.

Then, tonight, she bashed me again for her not getting laid, she had been saying she wanted it basically all night, then whenever I tried to initiate, some excuse or something.

I think I will ignore her for a while again. She does seem to be slowly changing and adjusting to a different point of view on this, not that it's enough

I guess if she really loves me, she will eventually change her mind about a few things.

Why am I not surprised?

Her orgasms are more important than her connections with partners. This, unfortunately, passes for "common knowledge" in the mainstream. Sadly, it's bad advice given the benefits of close, trusted companionship. But she'll only figure that out later in life.

Be glad that you already have. What about trying a reputable dating site? There absolutely are women who value partner connections more than orgasm - although they might need a bit of educating.