Ok. so as you who have been following me know, I was dating this girl who had issues and was always pushing me away. I really love her and tried very hard but we ended up breaking up.
The problem was, I couldn't stay away... I have never felt about anyone like this in my life, multiply the closest one to at least 5. We had a profound connection and met on a friday night and somehow ended up spending the weekend together just talking with some cuddling. And I just absolutely enjoyed being around her and adored her in a way I can't even describe. And she has said she felt that way too. Every time we split up, she would eventually call me up, insist on seeing me, and tell me how much she missed me and wanted to be with me, sometimes crying and talking about how the other guys she met just sucked. And there were times I felt I was finally done with her, but after a week or two apart, I just felt so awful. I missed her soooo much. At the time I met her, I was finally to a point in my life where I was happy with who I was, and thinking I could share this with someone else. I had also been sending this thought into the universe that I wanted to meet someone who was highly compatible, complementary to me, possibly a soul mate. Then, out of the blue, she came along.
So, I kept doing research. I have dated a woman or two with BPD(Borderline Personality Disorder) before and dumped them with no problem when things went bad, but I couldn't with this one. So I have done a lot of thinking, research, soul searching. First of all, why would the gods or great spirits (yes thats how I view my higher power) send me another person like this? And in my searching I came across a site that was partially forum and partially selling a product. The product was this ebook and cd about how to have a successful relationship with a person with BPD. I think the money was well spent and included a free email consultation with the author(actually I ended up with 2).
But, basically, the book and cd talks about a lot of stuff I have been learning here. a BPD is just an extreme version of a normal woman(This also means that their good side is REALLY good). So, somewhere here on reuniting, I read that it is the proper place for the female to be dynamic and moving and for the male to be like a rock and well grounded. No ego, no taking mentality. And basically the book says that women say illogical and irrational things they don't mean all the time and when they are saying things about how they don't like you, cant stand you, don't know where this is going, you must have the mentality that its part of her illness and ignore it. Also like a normal woman they will test you, but x20, x50 what a normal woman will and you must not be affected by it. They will see other people and you must have the mentality it doesn't bother you to get it to stop(mine insists she never saw anyone else while we were "together"). Also, that they do all these things bc of a faulty upbringing that made them think everyone will eventually abandon them, but that sometimes the only way to get through to them is to send a message by leaving. This sounds cruel, but I thought about it and the alternative is that you eventually get fed up and DO leave them for good, whereas you can teach them that the short term consequence for their behavior is you leaving. Also, when you start changing, she will test you even harder. And don't make it easy for her to win you back.
Basically you have to drop your ego, and also realize this won't be a relationship like everyone else has unless she admits her problem and goes to counseling(which she has been talking about doing lately)
From the beginning, there was a recurring theme where she would say she wanted to be friends and I would be like "ok" and when she was convinced that I simply liked being around her w out sex, she would want it again, so this is a clue, too.
I have been doing all this, but it's hard(actually sometimes its easy, too), and lately I have heard things about us being friends period, that she was never attracted to me(even tho she started texting every day again), and just the other night, I was doing great and wasn't bothered by anything and had that mentality that its ok to be friends until she figures it out, but its on my terms, but then she told me to sleep on the floor(citing a recent bad experience that had nothing to do with me) and eventually told me while I was on the floor that she hated men(heard it b4), and had never wanted to sleep next to me and that she had always just felt obligated to(yeah, thats why weve been doing it for like 7 months). Anyway, I took the bait. This upset me and I told her that she needed to get over her bad experiences and that we need space from each other and to call me when she does and that I was leaving(This was the right thing to do) But, she flipped out, and starting saying things and I gave in to her guilting (wrong thing to do) and stayed but then she decided to drive me home(she had drove me there) and on the way she cried and said why couldn't I just be her rock and shes going through some stuff(Why do I need to be her rock if we're "friends"...?). And she left me with "I'm just going through some shit. Don't take it personally, I need a few days." Another thing that really bothers me sometimes is when she tells me about her experiences with not meeting good men around here and I'm sitting here thinking, "Hellloooo! what about me?". One of the problems is that her as well as other BPDs are very good at sizing up how you are feeling instantly and it's hard to keep that unshakeable mask but you have to.
I really want to see this through now and find out if it can be done, but sometimes nothing bothers me and then there are moments where I am really discouraged and just want to quit and never talk to her again. And Im thinking that maybe if i just stop talking to her she will change after a few months like my other BPD exes who called me up later on begging me back and they had actually grown some(but I didn't want them anymore). And I do realize that this stuff makes her sound horrible, but remember her good side is REALLY good and that she doesn't do these things out of malicious intent like normal people, it's part of her disorder. And if I can't figure out how to do this, she won't be any happier with whoever she ends up with(in fact, probably less happy)
Any guys out there have experiences dating women with issues and having to be extra strong for them? A friend who I asked a question said the same thing, that with a woman like this I have to show love in a strong way, not a weak way. And is there anything anyone can tell me to encourage me? Actually I already feel a bit better, I haven't written a blog entry in a while... I guess I'm looking for a more existential/tao/spiritual, reuniting.info-ish take on the idea of being the strong man for a broken woman...