Wow today I feel so good it's kinda scary. Just yesterday I was having so much trouble playing bass, and honestly I was fed up. It got better though because I watched movies all day with the family. It was a great day altogether thanks to that. Today I feel good enough to draw up my own manga. I love this feeling of aliveness. Even my despair holds value to me now because I have hope and faith that better times are always a possibility. I feel like I'm here and fully present. I want to keep going and reach my full potential. My god I forgot about my stamina increase.
Well yesterday I woke up after having my first wetdream! I'm not actually happy about it at all. It happened really fast, and it was just a porn flashback. A few flashbacks actually, and they swarmed my brain at a rate of like 3 videos per second. Moreover, it only lasted about 3 seconds and then I woke up angry and somewhat wet. I felt like i had relapsed , and there was even chaser to accompany the feeling. I had to avoid anime and anything else that may have been sexually suggestive for the whole day. This really is no fun sometimes.
Hiromi Uehara is such a sexy lady. I really like how much she gets into her piano play. So as of today, I feel like I felt right after my first relapse. After I got my fix, and after I got over the initial guilt and shame I felt rejuvenated. I wonder if it's OK to feel like I got my fix when I have no memory of a relapse. I enjoy the fact that I can now listen to music just for the sake of pleasure instead of listening to it because I feel bad. I spoke to a friend today, and he's never laughed so hard on the phone with me.
I really don't know what to say as far as this whole journey goes. Today is the third day in a row where there was no dip in mood, and it all started on day 56! That's 8 weeks! I mean, I did read about it taking eight weeks or a little more, but exactly eight weeks is like wow really? Maybe I should wait and see, but as of right now, I feel good.
Today I woke up tired, and I didn't want to do anything. Eventually however, I began my bass practice. this song is almost completely memorized, but the last part of it is the most challenging part of it. It's so annoying that it only got harder the farther that I progressed into it, and at one point I almost smashed my head into the bass. However, I've come to realize that I learned some of the parts really fast, and at one point I felt insecure about how fast I was progressing as if I was rushing or something. That was pretty much my whole day though.
I've decided that i will go ahead and post my journal entries from my marble notebook, here. At first I was kind of reluctant too because well, it's my journal, but it may be of help to some people so here I go!
I knew it! I freakin knew this day was gonna be amazing! Last night was the first time in a long time I shared a sincere smile with my mom without any feelings of "Stop this now," or "Why am I smiling?" She's always been a great person to me and now I can finally appreciate it after such a loong time.