Day 271- Why hope simply isn't enough.

Submitted by Cassius on
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Hello everyone.

More than one year and two months have passed since i decided to stop my addiction to prone masturbation.

At first it was quite impossible. Failure over failure, attempt after attempt, falling for the same cravings every single time. Then I did the two months mark and whoooa...... nothing. No changes.

So I decided to go on. At my next attempt I did the 100 day mark with masturbating by my hand for a single time at day 58. Then it hit me and I started to masturbate a couple of times for a period of six weeks or so I guess. I tried to get myself into a schedule with normal masturbation technics but through chaser effects and extreme urges I stopped before falling for prone masturbation again.

Next attempt - 67 days in a row, masturbating once, falling for the chaser 2 days later, masturbated again, did a week or so without MO, masturbated again, did two weeks without it, masturbated again and so on.

All in all I masturbated in a perfectly normal way about 12 - 15 times during the last nine months and most times I did it, it felt nice and good but I felt shitty only hours afterwards. Shitty like: OMG I NEED THE REAL THING RIGHT NOW. And for me, the real thing means prone masturbation. I simply can't habituate myself to the feeling a normal orgasm gives me. It's not nearly enough. The orgasms I had during prone masturbation were so much more intense, it's undescribable.

But that's only the one side of the medal. The other side is the depressed state I'm in since the beginning of this journey.

I should have been rebooted a long, long time ago and afterwards, wiring myself to normal masturbation methods should have worked out just fine. But it didn't. Even after more than a year of rebooting, one orgasm gives me a hell of a time afterwards. Two orgasms in a couple of days - oh boy very close to the edge. Three orgasms in a week - I would fall for it again. Still the same after NINE FUCKING MONTHS without it. And the story goes on and on and on....

And now you people are thinking, well he's got his urges under control most of the time but he's not healing because maybe he doesn't do enough nice things to get over it. And Emerson would say - Cassius, you're doing so well but you need to find activities to fill the hole that stopping to masturbate prone created in you. And you guys are right. But I changed even that a lot. For the last couple of weeks, since I actually managed to finish my degree as a Bachelor of Science, I've done a lot of good things which have gotten me out of my daily routine. And I'm going out a lot of times, I'm going fishing and I also simply walk though the town at a sunny day or go to places where there are a lot of people, just to be a little bit more social. I'm out of the house a lot of my time.

And you know what? I'm not feeling bad while socialising and I'm not afraid to talk to people BUT I also can't enjoy it. I simply can't. Don't know why. I feel mostly nothing at all while speaking to someone. I'm attracted to girls and I like to talk to them but it's not like I'm actually enjoying it. And I have absolutely zero libido. Nothing. Dead downstairs. After more then one goddamn year of rebooting. It's like I can't enjoy anything at all. Even fishing, I always liked to catch a nice perch or pike but lately, I can't even enjoy that any more. I'm always depressed. Always thinking what a giant looser I am. All the time.

And girls know it. They look me in the eyes and they know it. And while I'm willing to get to know a girl and be really patient and wait with sex and not force anything, in my perfectly porn-trained mind there is still the voice that is telling me, DUDE, you're not getting it up, just leave her be, it's better for the both of you.

And Karezza? Yes, I would want to try it, would even love to do it for the rest of my life, if there'd be just the slightest chance of getting cured by it. But one needs a girl that would want it too. And even if I would find such a girl, there is still my PE which I had before rebooting and which has gotten a lot worse ever since. I mean, when I sometimes wake up late at night, having a little bit of an erection, it could have an orgasm just by touching myself downstairs for a few seconds. While being only half erect of cause. I could never ever have sex without orgasm, I wouldn't even have to move at all to come.

I don't know what to do any more. Rebooting doesn't do the job for me and rewiring is impossible.
Should I go to a therapist and take antidepressants? What would that do to my already not existing libido and my lack of the lust for life? Would I feel better? Maybe. But would it cure me? I doubt it very much.

I think this will be it for today. Maybe few will read this long text but some will. Thank you in advance.

Cassius

Comments

Man , i am very sory to hear

Man , i am very sory to hear all that, but don't lose hope . I may be young (17years old) and not so far in the reboot proces (58 days PM free, and 16 PMO) Just try to socialize as much as you can ,and find a girl that you feel confortable with , but try not to think about anything , just enjoy the moment and let everything else behind, i know that it's hard but the brain is the most powerful enemy but also the most powerful ally , try autosuggestion for example. Maybe you worry too much about it . I also have the PE problem before i started the rebooting, i hope it will get fixed. Good luck man, and keep your head up, i'm with you !

sorry man

it does sound like your going through hell. the one thing i can say is that pessimism about being social and yourself is a self-fulfilling phrophecy. If you think you are a loser, girls will think that too. I've been in the same position, being at a party and feeling like a loser and then even worse, acting like one and wondering why girls wouldn't wanna talk to me. then other times, i've felt great and acted like I had no worries and everything went great. the key is to always act like your feeling fine even if your not. moods will fluctuate so if you act like nothings bothering you, eventualy your mood catches up.

Thanks man, I think you're

Thanks man, I think you're right but at those depressed days with lots of urges, how should I do this? I mean, I've gotten better in ignoring my cravings but those feelings simply overwhelm myself at times and then I'm simply not able to do anything at all. I've never been the - Fake it till you make it - kind of guy.

i know what you mean

the whole faking it till you make it is kind of has a bad name. i don't think people would have such a negative view on it if they really understood it though. I have been depressed before, but it was months prior to me finding this community so i was heavy in PMO and I was sort of a different person. i think the best way i can relate this to you is through my battles with anxiety. these have gone in and out during my rebooting but i've gotten better at handling it. This works for me and hopefully it will work for you. Its more mental than anything:

think of how you react when your feeling, or were feeling, really great and confident at a time. when your talking to people or doing something, your completely in the moment. your not in your head and you are just reacting with your true thoughts, whatever comes in your mind. Well when your feeling anxious and depressed, this is hard because you have all this extra negative clutter going on. you think you can't be your normal self. you start to fight the depression and anxiety and you take yourself out of the moment. what works for me, is to ignore the anxiety and depression. don't fight it and just realize that although its uncomfortable, its harmless to your social interactions. when someone says something to you, even if your depressed or anxious, your real self is there,a thought does come to mind, its just that people don't acknowledge it as they are to focused on their anxiety or depressed state. what you have to do is sink yourself in the moment, realize how your feeling and just ignore it. react with whatever comes in your head.

I'm aware this is all intangible and this paragraph might not have any effect on you, but this basic mindset has helped me out a lot. a lot of times i'm feeling anxious and it eventualyl goes away beause i get lost in the moment. other things that helped me out are meditation. i was skeptiacl about meditation but after doing it correctly for 10-15 mins twice a day, i started seeing HUGE improvements. read up on it if your interested.

Again, its all very abstract thinking so its kind of hard to get across what im trying to say, but I hope this helps. just remeber that although it feels like your brain has its own agenda and mind, you are the one in control. Don't let those negative feelings control you.

All emotions are also neurochemical events

When we choose to tunnel into a dark emotion, our brain dutifully responds by making more of the unpleasant neurochemical balance we aren't enjoying. The reverse is also true.

I found this out years ago because I was a frequent "tunneler into dark emotions," thinking that if I just dug deeply enough...I would get to the bottom of the problem and solve it. (Not unlike HOCD thinking, where the person thinks that if they just accept that their sexual orientation has changed all their anxiety will go away. It won't.)

It doesn't work that way with any anxious thought. Sometimes the "tunneling" (anxiety)  is the problem, or to say it differently, the bad habits of thought and the dwelling on things that aren't working are the problem.

I once made an amazing discovery. I figured out that when I was anxious/discouraged if I picked up an inspiring book (any inspiring book) and read a paragraph or two, I could turn my mood around in a few minutes. I didn't know it then, but I was also shifting the neurochemistry of my brain in a very real sense.

Better yet, I often could then see a better way to frame my problems - a way that unlocked me from my sense of hopelessness. In other words, I wasn't "running away" from my problems by shifting my feelings. I was finding better solutions. I found this phrase, and it's still one of my favorites:

There are more pearls of wisdom to be found in the Sea of Inspiration that in the Garbage Can of Old Conditioning.

Whether you increase your brain's balance by shifting your mindset or by meditating daily or by any of the many other suggestions in ♦Solo Tools you are making very real changes in your brain. You aren't really "faking it." You're training your brain.

And here's the really important thing to realize: When you get down in the dumps and refuse to shift your thinking...you're also engaged in brain training. In other words, you're always making the choice to train your brain to stay in a rut...or to prepare to climb out of that rut. Always. It's your choice.

well put marnia

a much more lucid explanation. the part about anxiety is true,its the opposite of this "rule" in my experience. if you focus on it it gets worse, while ignoring it is typically the best option.

*sigh*

I'm really sorry to hear this Cassius. You've done so much right.

My one thought is that some guys' "new sexual response" doesn't kick in until they get with a partner. Maybe it's the skin-to-skin contact, the pheromones, the other bonding behaviors...but whatever it is, their body doesn't kick into action and rewire to real mates until they get "up close and personal."

This makes sense in a way...because a lot of young guys are wiring to pixels during the time when their ancestors were wiring to cues from physical mates. Your brain doesn't yet associate "talking with a girl" with anything IMPORTANT. But it's quite possible that if you get some "skin-to-skin" time and kissing happening, it will "feel it."

Some of you can't just wait for the problem to fix itself before you connect, because the connection itself is what heals you. You have to rewire actively. For many guys flirting is enough to kickstart the rewiring, but maybe because of your depression, it just hasn't been enough for you.

I think your brain is telling you a lie when it says, "Leave her alone because you can't get it up anyway." I think you need to tell your brain, "I'm not putting any sexual performance pressure on myself, but I'm going to approach her and try some kissing if possible."

I've seen the guys on Reddit say that "kissing is boner medicine." This makes sense. All bonding behaviors are in a sense. They release oxytocin...and oxytocin is vital for erections...and deep feelings of satisfaction during intercourse.

Have a look at this article: The Lazy Way to Stay in Love Which of these activities have you engaged in? Try to do more of them before you give up. Talking with girls is a good start, but your brain may need a bit more than that to kickstart you. Any potential cuddle buddies among your female friends? If so, I can recommend an article you can send her to see if she likes the idea.

Antidepressants sometimes suppress libido, so it pays to try the natural solutions...as you have been trying to do.

Whatever happens and whatever you decide to do, I admire your courage. You are a brave, determined man. But you're not a machine. You may need more female, physical contact to jumpstart the wiring-to-real-mates process. Keep us posted.

 

PS Cassius -

Take a look at this rebooting account. It involves a fetish porn theme, not prone masturbation, but you can see the same issue of brain plasticity at work. Notice that it took a bit of practice with real women before the guy was "back in the saddle."

http://yourbrainonporn.com/age-20-porn-addiction-longstanding-fetish-gone

It's likely to be the same with you. Women are having similar problems from overusing sex toys, so you may find that any partner you spend time with is sympathetic to your need to take it slowly and not be "perfect."

In this case, "practice makes perfect." Meanwhile, it doesn't hurt to perfect your courtship skills. Sex is seldom like porn sex unless you're paying for it. It's not just about erections and banging. It's often about getting to know another person really well and nurturing each other.

Just wanted to echo what

Just wanted to echo what Marina said. I had ED problems off and on before I met my current girlfriend 10 months ago. My ED really bothered me, and it affected my confidence. I felt like a guy shouldn't be having ED problems in his late-20s. It also felt like I wasn't all that attracted to women anymore, and had a low libido. I kept WISHING I would be attracted to certain women, but I just wasn't.

And then I met her. A girl I absolutely needed to be with, someone who I thought of all day long and loved spending time with. I was totally smitten. I ached for her constantly. And all this, after I got so frustrated with myself for feeling "blah."

Don't underestimate what the power of being with a loved, trusted partner who you are very attracted to can do. My libido went up, although it still fluctuates. And ED is no longer a problem whatsoever. My girlfriend is even impressed with how responsive I am, how quickly I can achieve an erection, etc. All that stuff went away.

I'm still battling emotions and a libido that goes up and down, but being with my currently girlfriend has really been positive for me. And not long before that I was where you were, frustrated with myself for not feeling enough. So hang in there.