More than one year and two months have passed since i decided to stop my addiction to prone masturbation.
At first it was quite impossible. Failure over failure, attempt after attempt, falling for the same cravings every single time. Then I did the two months mark and whoooa...... nothing. No changes.
So I decided to go on. At my next attempt I did the 100 day mark with masturbating by my hand for a single time at day 58. Then it hit me and I started to masturbate a couple of times for a period of six weeks or so I guess. I tried to get myself into a schedule with normal masturbation technics but through chaser effects and extreme urges I stopped before falling for prone masturbation again.
Next attempt - 67 days in a row, masturbating once, falling for the chaser 2 days later, masturbated again, did a week or so without MO, masturbated again, did two weeks without it, masturbated again and so on.
All in all I masturbated in a perfectly normal way about 12 - 15 times during the last nine months and most times I did it, it felt nice and good but I felt shitty only hours afterwards. Shitty like: OMG I NEED THE REAL THING RIGHT NOW. And for me, the real thing means prone masturbation. I simply can't habituate myself to the feeling a normal orgasm gives me. It's not nearly enough. The orgasms I had during prone masturbation were so much more intense, it's undescribable.
But that's only the one side of the medal. The other side is the depressed state I'm in since the beginning of this journey.
I should have been rebooted a long, long time ago and afterwards, wiring myself to normal masturbation methods should have worked out just fine. But it didn't. Even after more than a year of rebooting, one orgasm gives me a hell of a time afterwards. Two orgasms in a couple of days - oh boy very close to the edge. Three orgasms in a week - I would fall for it again. Still the same after NINE FUCKING MONTHS without it. And the story goes on and on and on....
And now you people are thinking, well he's got his urges under control most of the time but he's not healing because maybe he doesn't do enough nice things to get over it. And Emerson would say - Cassius, you're doing so well but you need to find activities to fill the hole that stopping to masturbate prone created in you. And you guys are right. But I changed even that a lot. For the last couple of weeks, since I actually managed to finish my degree as a Bachelor of Science, I've done a lot of good things which have gotten me out of my daily routine. And I'm going out a lot of times, I'm going fishing and I also simply walk though the town at a sunny day or go to places where there are a lot of people, just to be a little bit more social. I'm out of the house a lot of my time.
And you know what? I'm not feeling bad while socialising and I'm not afraid to talk to people BUT I also can't enjoy it. I simply can't. Don't know why. I feel mostly nothing at all while speaking to someone. I'm attracted to girls and I like to talk to them but it's not like I'm actually enjoying it. And I have absolutely zero libido. Nothing. Dead downstairs. After more then one goddamn year of rebooting. It's like I can't enjoy anything at all. Even fishing, I always liked to catch a nice perch or pike but lately, I can't even enjoy that any more. I'm always depressed. Always thinking what a giant looser I am. All the time.
And girls know it. They look me in the eyes and they know it. And while I'm willing to get to know a girl and be really patient and wait with sex and not force anything, in my perfectly porn-trained mind there is still the voice that is telling me, DUDE, you're not getting it up, just leave her be, it's better for the both of you.
And Karezza? Yes, I would want to try it, would even love to do it for the rest of my life, if there'd be just the slightest chance of getting cured by it. But one needs a girl that would want it too. And even if I would find such a girl, there is still my PE which I had before rebooting and which has gotten a lot worse ever since. I mean, when I sometimes wake up late at night, having a little bit of an erection, it could have an orgasm just by touching myself downstairs for a few seconds. While being only half erect of cause. I could never ever have sex without orgasm, I wouldn't even have to move at all to come.
I don't know what to do any more. Rebooting doesn't do the job for me and rewiring is impossible.
Should I go to a therapist and take antidepressants? What would that do to my already not existing libido and my lack of the lust for life? Would I feel better? Maybe. But would it cure me? I doubt it very much.
I think this will be it for today. Maybe few will read this long text but some will. Thank you in advance.