Day 302 - Feeling better

Submitted by Cassius on
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Hello everyone,

I just wanted to mention that I've done the 300 day mark without prone masturbation. Isn't this quite incredible? From doing it once or twice a day to stopping, relapsing again and again and now I'm clean for nearly 10 full months. Insane :)

I've had good periods of days lately where my cravings are absolutely managable. Still - The bad days always strike back and depression and cravings are hard to deal with at these days. But maybe, just maybe, I'm having them a little less in the past couple of weeks.

And I'm getting out of the house a lot. AND I approached some girls. Whoot? Yes I did and even if I'm getting rejected, it doesn't feel half as bad as it used to feel back in the days.

I'm also actively trying to find myself someone to cuddle, because I'm really into the whole cuddlebuddy idea these days.
But this is very uncommon in Germany and most girls don't seem to like the idea so much.

So some good things are happening.

BUT - In over a year of rebooting there hasn't been any change in my libido and the thought of having sex is still totally alien to me. If I fantasize, I can't get an erection. Never. Seeing a hot girl does nothing for me. And seeing porn like scenes also doesn't get me in the mood for anything. I'm still avoiding those scenes in movies but if sometimes I'm not shutting them up, I'm often finding myself thinking: Shouldn't I get a hard on right now? Did I ever get erections just by thinking and fantasizing about sex or seeing porn? I know I used to but it all seems so far away. Morning wood isn't there at all and night time erections are totally like they used to be, when I was deep into my addiction everyday. Some days I get them, sometimes I'm very hard at those times and sometimes I'm not even close to having a normal erections. Strange.

And flatlining? Did I ever really? Maybe, but only for a couple of days and then I got crazy cravings again. But I'm having flatline-like symptoms every time I'm going without Orgasm for a longer time. Just not the way most guys here describe them.

And the worst of it all is the fact, that if I'm getting myself a nice girl, I know that only one orgasm with or without her will wash away every bit of feeling good that is so hardly achieved during months and more. Only ONE little orgasm. You know what? Reuniting and Ybop made me fear orgasms more than anything in the world and this is not healthy at all. For a guy with ED AND PE, telling him to stop orgasm to overcome ED is one thing. But telling him to find a nice girlfriend AND to abstain from orgasm with her is like a punch in the face. A hard one. Karezza seems nice to do but if I'm simply not able to? What to do? What to do.. Fact is, I would come on entering if I'd have sex with a girl. So avoiding intense stimulus simply isn't possible for me...

Phew.

Guess I'm overthinking things a little bit. Again Wink But I'm still actively trying to find myself a girlfriend or maybe just a nice girl to cuddle with and that my friends IS something very, very positive. I AM doing good, really good things for me.

Overall, even with ED and PE, I'm still a very handsome young man and I FUCKING WILL overcome this shit. ALL of it. Even if it's the last thing to do ever.

Cassius

Comments

Great to hear from you

I'm glad you're feeling stronger...however slowly. I'm really proud of you asking women out. Bravo!

You're right, you certainly don't want to fear orgasm. Let me ask you something. Are you afraid of alcohol even though you know that if you have too much you may feel rotten the next day? Do you have any allergies? Would you be afraid of the thing you're allergic to even though you know it can produce annoying symptoms?

Orgasm may, or may not, be an ongoing problem for you. Let's hope it isn't. Often guys find out that, as they recover, the "fallout" after orgasm declines significantly...especially with a regular, loving partner. But either way, knowledge is power. Better to know your risks, even if you don't like what you discover. But fear? No!

Now...I apologize, but I can't remember if you have been trying the daily shower "sensual touch" program. If not, I think it would be good to do. There are also energy exercises that can help get your motor revving a bit. See RebootTaking TOO.LONG That way, when a lady shows up to cuddle, your motor will already be idling...and your self-control will also be better.

Good luck. Keep us posted. I'm going to set off some fireworks when you write that you're cured!

Hey Marnia,

Hey Marnia,

I'm not afraid of alcohol and I'm quite good at controlling the amount I'm drinking if I'm going out. However, I#ve never been addicted to alcohol. And allergies, I have some but most of them don't bother me anymore. The symptoms have diminished over the years and now I only know that I'm still allergic to some things but I'm definitely not afraid of them. But if I would know that some thing that I'm allergic to would cause me very annoying symptoms, I might well fear this thing.

I think I'm actually fearing the orgasm, because of the fear for chaser and hangover effects, which I get from abusing. And that again leads to actually fearing any kind of orgasm. Not good.

The sensoual touch program doesn't work for me because I'm getting a more or less hard erection which vanishes after seconds and there is nothing that could bring it back. And then I begin trying to regain it and start stroking and stroking goes to edging and edging leads to orgasm. Of the 12-15 times that I O'd over the last 10 months, using a normal masturbation technic, most of the time this was the exact procedure. I know that sensoual touch is not about getting an erection but I immediately get into the thinking that I should have a good erection, once I start doing so.

Don't bye the fireworks right away, i think the way for becoming cured is still very far.

I'm wondering

On Day 37, I was bonding with my girlfriend and I had my first O with her. I was fully aroused, and in a way it was almost as if I rewired myself to her. I began to feel much better about women and I didn't have that many chaser cravings. I understand I'm still early in my reboot, and I don't plan to O again. But I'm wondering, with your lengthy reboot, if you found a nice girl to bond with and she can give you sensual massage a number of times, whether you O or not, maybe that can help you restore your attraction towards women and rewire towards them? In the sense that you will begin to know exactly which girl you'd like to get hard for.

Phew,

Phew,

last night I talked to a girl for more than six hours on the phone and we both reeally enjoyed it. The conversation was very funny and also very deep at times and I really like her. Shes studying about 2.5 hours of car-driving away and this seems to be her biggest doubt with meeting me.

During the time we were talking I got some semi-hard erections but thats it. Even if I touched myself and heard her beautiful voice, I could not get it up. No erectile health at all. I remember a few years before when I was talking to a girl on the phone and we came to the topic of sex, I had an insane erection for a long time. Theres nothing like that any more. AND I was leaking so much precum or whatever that lubrication ist, it wasn't even funny anmore. My whole pants where full of that stuff.... It was definitely not real seemen but wtf..? I also was very tempted to MO at times. Not at all with prone masturbation, which is a good sign.

BUT today, I feel like having the worst kind of chaser. It's like the one I get after binging with MO and my cravings for prone masturbation are absolutely over the top. I'm very, very tempted to relapse hard, fantasizing about having sex with her and I'm not sure if I can manage to abstain. I'm actually at a good, long streak of being without MO of any kind, it must be something like day 40 or so and I definitely don't want to relapse. But it is very, very hard to abstain today. AND of cause, I was feeling totally depressed the whole day. Nothing helped, i was in town, walked a while in nature and stuff. At those days, nothing helps with reducing my insane cravings. So, if I get those sad feelings and cravings even without hard fantasizing or MO, what to do? Damn, I felt so fine over the last couple of days. It's just not fair. Good god, how I want to relapse and relapse hard....

I need to see a therapist I think. And soon. I will try to abstain for a full year and I will go on with socialising and all that but I simply don't believe I'll ever become cured.

I'm so tired of this, tired of my life, tired of fighting on... I've become so very good at self control and I'm not seening any progress in the erectile department and this is just so crazy frustrating for me...

Maybe strong antidepressants or libido blockers or whatever are the only thing that could really help me overcoming this addiction.

Cassius

to me

it seems that a long conversation like that on the phone with constant excitement (evidenced by pre-cum) is very similar to edging. And that has the same effects as an orgasm, which is the chaser effect you felt.

What I would do if I could, is practice soft entry and be sexual with a woman without worrying about an erection. That and plenty of cuddling and snuggling, and no masturbation or porn, would I feel probably go a long way to fixing things up. You don't want to be constantly testing, and worrying about erections, when you have no control over them at all.

You are probably right

You are probably right Emerson. Today I'm feelig a lot better again and cravings are absolutely managable. It might have also been a strange case of hangover horniness or whatever, as I haven't slept at all two nights ago, because we talked all night on the phone and i had things to do early in the morning. The precum thing however also happens when I cuddle and simply am close to a girl. Semi hard erections come and go during cuddling but I'm simply not gettting a fulll hard on like I used to. I have no idea how I should be able to stop thinking about it all the time.

I definitely would give soft entry a try but how to do this? AND how do I tell this to a girl I've just got to know. I mean, she MUST feel like WTF what sort of idiot or looser is this guy. Musn't she? A normal girl with a healthy sex drive?? Come on now, I doubt most girl would say *yes, please stick it, I don't mind if you are not hard*. And i'm kind of having a small penis if I'm flaccid, which actually never bothered me, because once I used to be erect, it's more than okay. But totally flaccid? I don't know... Does it really work?

Thanks for your opinion anyways.

I understand however...

...if she's into you already, which she is, it won't matter. You have to realize, you have a chemical issue, a physical issue, similar to being sick in a way. It is being addressed because you are man enough to do what it takes to address it and fix it. So discussing it with her is a good move. She will appreciate it.

Women today have experiencd a lot of weirdness with guys because of porn, and many times they never knew the reason. Tell her about your problem and tell her what you are doing about it. It will be fine. You are not the only one. I have spoken to girls who had guys with all sorts of sex problems and nobody ever said a word about it -- and their relationships ended with the girl thinking it was *her* or he wasn't attracted to her or whatever.

I think perfect 100% honesty would be great here.

You can of course satisfy her in many ways if not at first through intercourse...so her healthy sex drive can be satisfied. This is just a step to recovery anyway....it will be fine, this is a great move foryou. But pressure and all of that is just really the wrong thing right now...like I said, you have no control over your erections (men never do) and at this point, it's great to have sex but not to put pressure on with something you can't directly do anything about.

First, I have to meet her in

First, I have to meet her in person :) Lately, when I talk to girls I always discuss the idea of beeing cuddle buddys, because it was so often told to me at this forum. And I say that I want to take things really slow. I'll try this once I have the chance to actually cuddle and see a girl more than once.

I've been very outgoing lately and sometimes I approached girls. I also made a nice profile at a dating platform and I've written quite a few messages in the last weeks. Some girls are writing back and some are not but thats okay with me. The problem at this site is that most girls live far away so meeting them in person isn't so easy at all. The girl I phoned with is also living a good amount of miles away and this seems to bother her a lot. And today we wanted to phone again in the evening but then she wrote me that she didn't have the time to talk to me toady. This feels a lot like rejection and if I'm totally honest, it produces a lot of negative feelings and those produce cravings.

If I would play after the pick up rules, I would simply say, that's it, next. But that's not the way I want to be. Still, a lot of the pick up stuff is very true, at least as true as my addiction is and I think the attraction I've build while talking to her on the phone has simply vanished as it often does. She told me in her SMS that she was sorry and that we would phone during the next days but I'm pretty sure that I will not meet her and that makes me sad. She really is the type of girl where I could imagine that she would give the whole karezza thing a chance. Absolutely gorgeous girl. Her SMS was also quite distanced, which isn't a good sign at all.

And Emerson, even if I still believe in the science behind YBOP, I very much doubt that the brain changes I have are similar to the ones, heavy porn users have. Maybe they are simply permanent. Who knows? The physical brain changes Gary describes are still not proven or am I wrong here? If we're just looking at the facts, it is pretty obvious that rebooting isn't enough and as I understand it, rewiring needs a rebalanced brain.
One and a half year without porn, 10 months without acting out my addiction and very, very view orgasms through normal, plain masturbation without fantasy AND I'm not even close to be cured. I know that I'm not because I still have this crazy, strong cravings to masturbate prone. I'm not over it at all.

It bothers me a lot that I haven't tried to train my brain for normal masturbation without porn BEFORE I tried to quit masturbation altogether. The author of healthystrokes.com insists that it helps guys like me to overcome ED. Now it feels like I can't relearn a normal masturbation technique because I know that I would relapse after having some orgasms in a short amount of days. It's not an option anymore you see? No it's all about quitting masturbation altogether while beeing alone. And that is hard. It is very, very hard.

Honestly Cassius...

I think you're farther along than you think, and I suspect your erection will be ready when you get with someone. OK, there may be a bit of performance anxiety at first because it takes enormous focus to put your attention on your partner's enjoyment and stop obsessing over the thing you've been obsessing over for so long.

But if you take it slowly, you can work a lot of that out before you feel a need to "perform."

I say, stop all the excuses and therapists and pessimism...and jump in.

You are right Marnia, I'm

You are right Marnia, I'm having a lot of excuses and my pessimism might me my biggest weakness. I'm fighting it with all I have and if I'm in an okay mood, I'm funny as hell quite often. But I still feel so numb you know. Deep inside, I'm still the lonely little looser guy, who isn't able to get it up.

I simply don't feel the change, that might well be there.

Have you tried that thing on

Have you tried that thing on ybop about the self massage for guys who take to long to recover? For me, I knew I was over the hump physically when I stroke myself and start getting quickly. There was a time when I thought I was MOing the right way and had recovered, but would take a minute or 2 to get hard and could lose it fast. I was worried about my performance. after doing the light self massages, I think I was able to wire myself to touch a lot better. Each stroke just feels absolutely amazing.

It sounds like your not wired to visual which is great, but you need to wire yourself to touch.

I don't have the link and gotta run, but search on ybop "taking to long" and it should come up.

I tried that technique but

I tried that technique but once I start, I get into edging-mood really soon and mostly there is no turning back from that point and I simply let myself go. Touch, other than real stroking does nothing for me. I don't know how to do it right you know. I simply doesn't feel anything when touching myself.

I mean even after all this time of rebooting, I still want to fuck my matress... I don't want any other thing but that. I simply have absolutely no desire for sex.

I will give this sensual touch thing one more try, lets hope I won't get over the top this time.

This is what YBOP tells about the sensual touch thing:

Tip: There's no point in attempting to wire to normal sexual touch until your reward circuitry is capable of responding to normal stimuli. Wait until your reboot has been underway for a couple of months. Premature action is discouraging. You won't be able to feel subtle sensations yet, so you will be tempted to overstimulate yourself, edge...and perhaps relapse.

The passage about beeing unable to feel subtle sensations is exactly what I feel. BUT I've done more than 10 months of rebooting without relapse. So, how can I do this? All in all, this is very near to learning a normal masturbation technique which should be the ultimate cure for me, if I believe in healthystrokes.com.

I simply don't know what is right for me and to Marnia,,,, if you are reading this maybe, this is no excuse. I don't know what is right and wrong anymore. One thing is for sure, if a girl touching me downstairs, it feels even more alien, as if I do it myself.

Oh boy.

What about trying

the energy circulation and energy focus ideas from that page if the touch is too direct? Go back to this page and read until you get to them: RebootTaking TOO.LONG.

I know it's scary for you. All I can say is that we've heard from a number of guys that they didn't feel much until they got with a partner, and then things rapidly improved. But it may take a few sessions so try to aim for a connection that's more than a one-night stand.

I hate seeing you young guys suffer. This kind of trouble should simply not be happening. There's a lot of bad advice out there...and combined with innocent maneuvers such as TMS...there are some big messes being created. Stay optimistic...but understand that you may have taken this as far as you can take it alone.

*big hug*

Well, I'm not really into

Well, I'm not really into things that seem so... spiritual to me. But I will give it a try. I'd also like to meditate but I find it very difficult to do. I haven't tried it in a long time but I think it might be very well for me once I get into it.

And the partner thing - thats what I'd really like to do, more than any other thing. The girl I was talking about has actually called me yesterday and again we had a nice long talk. I also told her that I want to take things like really really slow and she seemed to like that idea. We can't meet each other this weekend but we want to meet at the next weekend, so I'm really looking forward to see her. I hope so much that she will not get anxious or whatever and cancel the date one or two days before we want to meet. But only time will tell, I guess. Overall, she seems just really very nice.

And there is this other girl from my town, which I dated on wednesday and the date itself was going very well, as we had a lot of fun. But when I brought her home, I pushed her too much, as I told her, I'd really like to cuddle with her for a while and she told me she only wanted to sleep right now. I've seen her only shortly the last two days and she wasn't much into talking with me. Than again, shes got her head stuffed with her seminar paper and thats really bothering her right now. On monday shes going into vacations with a female friend of her and will be away for 10 days.
So once I saw her today, she was actually smiling a bit shy but she wasn't like cold to me or something and I told her, that I'd like to meet her again, once she's back in town after her holidays. She agreed and I think it wasn't the kind of: okay, okay, we'll see, no just let me be.... I think she liked the idea but was a little shy and insecure, how to show it.

So I will not be needy and give her some space and after her vacations, maybe I'll give her a call.

And the thing with TMS is, most guys like myself discover this masturbatin technique at a very early age.. And I bet that even IF somene wood have told me at that early age, that I might get ED from it, once I'm an adult, I couldn't have stopped. It simply feels incredible..... Compared to a normal orgasm, it's like ten times better. Maybe that's why it is so hard to let this behaviour go.

Thanks for hugging me and a big cyber hug back :)

All that sounds great

You sound centered and realistic, but confident (or as confident as one can get in the dating business Wink ).

Don't think of those energy exercises as spiritual. Just do them and see what you notice. There are lots of different ones from various places here. Choose one that feels kind of normal. Energy Circulation Practices

*another cyber hug* Kiss 2