I just wanted to mention that I've done the 300 day mark without prone masturbation. Isn't this quite incredible? From doing it once or twice a day to stopping, relapsing again and again and now I'm clean for nearly 10 full months. Insane :)
I've had good periods of days lately where my cravings are absolutely managable. Still - The bad days always strike back and depression and cravings are hard to deal with at these days. But maybe, just maybe, I'm having them a little less in the past couple of weeks.
And I'm getting out of the house a lot. AND I approached some girls. Whoot? Yes I did and even if I'm getting rejected, it doesn't feel half as bad as it used to feel back in the days.
I'm also actively trying to find myself someone to cuddle, because I'm really into the whole cuddlebuddy idea these days.
But this is very uncommon in Germany and most girls don't seem to like the idea so much.
So some good things are happening.
BUT - In over a year of rebooting there hasn't been any change in my libido and the thought of having sex is still totally alien to me. If I fantasize, I can't get an erection. Never. Seeing a hot girl does nothing for me. And seeing porn like scenes also doesn't get me in the mood for anything. I'm still avoiding those scenes in movies but if sometimes I'm not shutting them up, I'm often finding myself thinking: Shouldn't I get a hard on right now? Did I ever get erections just by thinking and fantasizing about sex or seeing porn? I know I used to but it all seems so far away. Morning wood isn't there at all and night time erections are totally like they used to be, when I was deep into my addiction everyday. Some days I get them, sometimes I'm very hard at those times and sometimes I'm not even close to having a normal erections. Strange.
And flatlining? Did I ever really? Maybe, but only for a couple of days and then I got crazy cravings again. But I'm having flatline-like symptoms every time I'm going without Orgasm for a longer time. Just not the way most guys here describe them.
And the worst of it all is the fact, that if I'm getting myself a nice girl, I know that only one orgasm with or without her will wash away every bit of feeling good that is so hardly achieved during months and more. Only ONE little orgasm. You know what? Reuniting and Ybop made me fear orgasms more than anything in the world and this is not healthy at all. For a guy with ED AND PE, telling him to stop orgasm to overcome ED is one thing. But telling him to find a nice girlfriend AND to abstain from orgasm with her is like a punch in the face. A hard one. Karezza seems nice to do but if I'm simply not able to? What to do? What to do.. Fact is, I would come on entering if I'd have sex with a girl. So avoiding intense stimulus simply isn't possible for me...
Guess I'm overthinking things a little bit. Again But I'm still actively trying to find myself a girlfriend or maybe just a nice girl to cuddle with and that my friends IS something very, very positive. I AM doing good, really good things for me.
Overall, even with ED and PE, I'm still a very handsome young man and I FUCKING WILL overcome this shit. ALL of it. Even if it's the last thing to do ever.