Well, I was at a good, long streak of abstinence from MO again but yesterday, at day 54, I messed up.
I didn't want to but once I started touching myself, doing this touch-rewiring-program, and realized that I wasn't getting hard, I started to edge, stopped, couldn't find sleep, started to M again half an hour later and puff, all self discipline gone with the wind. Another orgasmn with a near limp dick, hooray.
The whole thing was triggered buy my thinking, that I might still be cured by learning and wiring to a normal masturbation method. Every time I MO'd during the last half year, my thinking about this possibility is driving me nearly mad. Could it be so easy? Just masturbate every day, normally and in two months I'm cured? No more TMS cravings?
And then my addicted brain says, yeah dude, go for it, you know you want it, it feels so good. This time you can do it. It's always the same.
Today of cause, I'm a little bit more realistic. I'm still an addict, still have the everyday urge to masturbate TMS-Style and I still have zero libido.
And it might well have affected me that the girl I wanted to see last saturday actually cancelled our date in the very last minute on friday evening. Because she's got her period. Yeah, sure. I told her that I'm a little disappointed and we agreed that she will call me yesterday or today but until now, she didn't call. And I knew it. I knew it on Friday and I knew, that she wouldn't call me again. Great stuff, dating is sooo much fun. I'm not even able to get myself a cuddle buddy.
So now, what do I do? Is it wrong to relearn masturbating? Is is right to go forth with abstinence from MO?
I mean, abstinence means, that in a period of a month, I might have 5 good days out of 30. Another 5-10 that are okay, speaking of cravings and depression. And at least half a month is always a living hell, cravings and depression till I'am constantly thinking of suicide. I have done so much stuff to raise my dopamine with natural rewarding activities but it simply isn't working. It's never enough. No amount of sports, being social, time in nature, fishing, flirting is enough.
And relearning masturbation means that I'm having orgasmns every day for at least a period of a month. I think this will provoke a total relapse with TMS for sure. In fact, I know it WILL happen, because I know how I feel after having only a few orgasmns in a few days span.
And yes, I will try to date and yes I will try to get myself a cuddle buddy but damn it's not so easy if every girls always dumps me after one date. And I don't even know why. I'm funny, I'm slim and fit and I'm not bad looking either.
So what are my options here? Going on? Starting again with abstinence? I fear I don't have the strength to do so much longer. I'm as far from cured as one could be. Sad truth it is.
So I think I am at a point, where I can take this no longer without serious, professional help. I'm not even totally depressed today or having a crazy chaser, this is more likely to happen during the next days.
And today, it's not my depression speaking for me, in fact, I seem to see a lot clearer than I did in quite a while. All what I'm writing are my experiences from the last year of rebooting. I don't see myself getting anywhere and If I'm totally honest, nothing, absolutely nothing has changed during more than one year of rebooting.
Uff, I think thats it for today.