Holy shit. I still can't believe it. I still can't believe I found YBOP. I can't believe it took me this long! After nearly 13 years of suffering in silence, of thinking it was my fault, of strained sexual relationships, of (I still can't BELIEVE I didn't put it together) not realizing that porn was causing my inability to respond to beautiful, naked, sensual women lying right next to me in bed, I can't tell you what a relief it was to find this website, and this group of men. Reading all of the stories and blogs over the last five days has been an inspiration, and so reassuring, I can't begin to find the words.
As for how I did find it, I came across an article on the MensHealth website, which mentioned that online porn kills your sex drive. Say what? You mean spending five hours searching for hardcore videos on a Friday night isn't normal?
The problem was, after reading it, I didn't click on the link to YBOP, but instead decided on my own to give up watching the creepy, and pathetically expansive, collection of hardcore videos I had spent years searching for, finding, and cataloging from free online sites. I also just decided to stop watching porn online altogether. And that was about two months ago.
What I didn't realize, is pretty much everything else I've learned from YBOP: about my addiction, the process of rebooting, the hope of recovery, and the steps to make that a reality.
I spent those two months rebooting on my own, freaking out about my dead dick, and all the while, continuing to view and collect much tamer, but still deadly, shots of facebook girls, then women in bikinis, which eventually lead to the women of Nuts magazine over in the UK, and finally graphic shots. I should say, I didn't masturbate to them, however tempted I might've gotten. I thought that viewing them alone would be fine. And since it was pics, and not the videos that I had always purged on, I thought I'd be fine.
After finding a surprising amount of improvement in the response I got from little Charles, I decided it couldn't hurt to masturbate with some lotion, and not with any porn. But soon, the chaser caught up with me, and I went back to the collection (which I DIDN't get rid of at that point), and proceeded to go on a two day binge on pics and videos.
Disappointed, ashamed, and noticing that my erection, by the end of the two day binge, wasn't responding in the same way it had just three days earlier, I couldn't ignore the direct correlation, and went back to find the MensHealth article for some advice. And this time, I clicked on the YBOP link. And here I am.
So on February 6, 2012, I gave up all P, all M, and committed to a road of recovery, but this time, backed by knowledge, a plan, and I'm hoping your support. I know that I made some big gains during the two months of no M on my own, but decided I wanted to give myself the gift of a three month reboot, because it can't hurt. Looking forward to the work and successes ahead, learning from everybody, and sharing my experience. Cheers.