The Sports Illustrated Swimsuit edition comes out the week after I start my reboot?! Seriously? As a red-blooded American man, I have to say, I feel left out. Before I had logged onto YBOP, I never would have thought twice about browsing the pictures online, but knowing what I know now, I'm forced to just sit here and try to ignore the fact that some of the most beautiful women in the entire world are wearing bikinis in the most exotic locales imaginable, and all I get to do is sit here and yearn. It's funny, because the swimsuit edition, and my mom's Victoria Secret catalogues, were my first foray into the world of porn, and considering where I ended up, they don't seem so innocent anymore. They are like the gateway drug, the weed, of the porn world, and all I looking for is a quick hit.
If I hadn't started this reboot, I never would have known what a strong hold the allure of two dimensional women had on my brain and life. It almost seems like an exercise in futility trying to abstain. Everywhere a guy turns, two dimentional beauties are there to sell products, or even more depressing, they are the product. On the internet, TV, Movies, magazines, advertisements, every single layer of the mass media is devoted in some sense to objectifying women, and the funny thing is, I never minded until I had to give it up! And now? The word excessive is an understatement.
I've been having a tough time staying away from google image searches at work. I also find myself lingering on facebook for just long enough to sense I'm about to start some trouble. I've found that the key to absolving, is once I have the itch, I shut it down and move on. I just read a great metaphor that really applies. The father of Aikido, a modern martial art, was taking questions from his students, when one of them asked how he stayed so present during a fight. To which he responded that he wasn't particularly good at staying in the moment, but was really good at coming back from being distracted. I think that's one of the things we really need to do, is staying mindful of the mission, of "coming back" when I get the urge.
And speaking of urges, I was at the dentist getting a crown installed, and I'm wondering if every other guy ends up with a crush on their dental hygienist? Maria. Oh Maria, what a sweetheart, with these big brown eyes, and great laugh. I kept wanting to touch here, to connect physically, just something innocent and playfully like touching her forearm, but thought better of the idea. We definitely had a strong connection, and it was a lot of fun to flirt with her, and even though I'm sure it wouldn't have been a big deal, I'm always wondering where the professional line is, and don't want to be that guy who's hitting on her while she's working.
On the whole, I've been feeling the ups and downs of the reboot, and am just trying to ride them out without putting too much importance on my emotional state. One thing that has helped me is just getting out of the house, and forcing myself to be social, like a lot of the other accounts I've read. Even though the anxiety is there, and always is, sometimes it disappears completely when I'm "in the moment", and is getting to be more manageable by the day. I definitely have the urge to connect more with women, and people in general, and have noticed a measurable increase in their interest in me. I was never a guy that believed in energy, but it seems like staying away from porn and masturbation gives you an instant upgrade in your overall vibe. I don't know if it's confidence, or a spiritual purity, but I'm starting to believe, or at least accept the idea that energy is perceptible, certainly on an unconscious level, which I'm just chalking up to a mystery of the senses.
All right guys, stay strong, don't touch your dongs, so one day they will grow long. Cheers.