So here I am back at Day 1. I managed to get to 26 days no PMO, but then something got hold of me and wouldn't let go. I think it was too much focus on counting the days, too much focus and worry about when I was going to see a change in libido. I also think that I needed that failure to have a point of comparison between me off the porn and back on it. I'm ready to eat humble pie and realise that I don't know everything just because I read a lot of posts.
I had a good solid three day binge. Basically ignored the phone and all responsibility and just went for it. I learned a few things:
- once you have churned through a few thousand images, they all look the same. Once you've come they suddenly don't look hot anymore.
- it takes a massive amount of energy out of you - there is no comparison between my energy levels after 25 days and after a day of PMO. Its not just normal energy, its that go-getter energy that has you expanding your life.
- I now get what various posters means when they talk about "brain fog". I have been thinking to myself "wow, is this how its been for all of these years". I just feel out of it, lacking motivation, couldn't care less.
Its strange, because through all of the weird moods I went through with abstaining on my first attempt, I would rather have those than this strange numbness that I feel now. I was also starting to take some healthy steps to deal with stress and anxiety and I want to continue with that.
This time I'll introduce myself properly. I am a 34 year old male in a stressful profession. I use PMO as a coping mechanism for work and relationship related stress, and have done for a long time. I don't suffer full on ED, but I have had some problems with PE and also have noticed that I don't stay fully hard for very long when having intercourse, dropping to half-mast early on. Finally, I need to resort to some hardcore fantasies when I'm having sex, without which I often can't come.
Its ridiculous, because my fiance is smoking hot, with curves that turn heads everywhere. I should be all over her, like she wants me to be, but I'm not. I know she's attractive, but it doesn't stir me.
My goal for this reboot is to get that energy back, to recover my mojo so that I can be the man she deserves.