Day 101- Update

Chris Jay's picture
Submitted by Chris Jay on
Printer-friendly version

Well today I had a science test and it was worth 100 points and I studied hard the night before but for some reason I couldn't memorize why convection currents caused plate tectonics so I writ it down on a sheet and put it in my pocket right before the test. I new pretty much everything on the test so when its time for me to bring my sheet I put I get caught cheating and I got a zero.Its just been bothering me because I could've done SO well on that test had I not pulled out that sheet..This was my first time cheating in there and my last.I really want to retake that test tomorrow so I'm going to have to ask my teacher about it tomorrow.Its been really bothering me and I'm trying not to beat myself up about it because I work hard and I take my grades more seriously then anything.
I always need everything to be perfect before I am satisfied which is an annoying trait about me. Sorry but just needed to verbalize it before I nervously walk up to my teacher and plead that he let's me retake it.Anyway, reboot update um not much to say about it really I do sometimes get stirrings and feel like I'm horny but I find that as soon as I'm horny my mind digs up porn scenes so not sure if its real libido or not. I still do have dopamine rushes for guys and almost little to none for girls in real life unfortunately. Its also inconsistent as well. As far as dreams haven't had any wet dreams since my last blog and I do have erotic dreams of porn scenes some gay some straight. And not even of stuff that I've seen more like my brain creates porn scenes in my subconscious.My moods no longer flat line but things still aren't 100% back to normal. So that's pretty much everything that's going on right now.

Comments

I'm sorry

OCD is a bitch, and it sounds like you have a leaning in that direction.

Life is not perfect and learning to love yourself and even your (possibly) imperfect grades is really important. Chasing perfection is crazy-making...in part because the end gets so glorified in your mind that it seems to justify bending rules--rules that can't be broken without unfortunate consequences.

I wish I knew some good articles about the subject, but do some digging. The time to nip this in the bud is now.

it sure is

I couldn't stop thinking about it yesterday the image kept replaying in my head and it made me feel like a hole was inside of my stomach.I even had a dream about it and woke up with my heart racing.But its all okay because I am so happy that he offered to let me retake it Yahoo now I need to just review the material and I'll be set for tomorrow I-m so happy

Well, re-took the test

pretty easy sure I got a couple wrong though,but that's okay some points are better than no points.I find I have weird erotic dreams some gay, some straight & some porn scenes that I've never even seen before...its like my mind "creates" porn scenes in my subconscious. Like I just had a lesbian dream last night its like my body is just confused after all those months of it being trained by porn I don't blame it. I'm struggling at the some to avoid typing in some porn scene that my brain has been craving lately I haven't even attempted to do it which is great! It's just the matter of just learning to say no that i think will help rewire my brain the best.

The brain sure puts up a fight

when it "thinks" you're giving up something vital to your reproductive success (it doesn't understand "fertilization" as such; it just understands "hot"). But you can absolutely steer it...over time. You just can't instantly "tame" it. Biggrin

Maybe you could think of your

Maybe you could think of your brain as a little kid that's always begging for candy. But it's a diabetic little kid and you're the parent and you have to say 'no, little one, let's get you something healthy to eat instead.'

'Redirection' works really well with little kids. It's basically turning their attention to something else. Like
Child: 'Give me candy.'
Parent: Hey, let's play catch! (Or chess, or let's ride bikes, or look! I got you some new books from the library!)

So, when your brain says 'Give me gay porn,' maybe just have some redirection strategies ready. You could redirect that urge into exercise or running, or maybe something that'll keep your brain too busy to think about it, like SAT math practice or trying to translate something into or out of a foreign language. But probably it's best if it's something that takes you far away from your computer.

That's my advice: have strategies ready. Also, that was a great insight you had that your brain/child is just confused by how it's been trained. That's totally right. Don't let it ruffle you! Just be a good parent and help your brain/child get healthy!

Thanks!

This was excellent advice! I am also noticing after wet dreams matnia that I'm feeling more and urges to mastufbate, that are not porn induced either! I just had a wet dream probably 2 days ago and you were right! I also notice that "down there" is getting a lot thicker and isn't so dead looking.I dont want to lose this and risk it by masturbating i want to be sure that I see steady progress then attempt a masturabtion and see what happens. But as far as sexual energy just like you predicted Its like popcorn you start with a few kernels then...

You will be a jedi of sexuality

by the time you get all this sorted out. Seriously, there's a lot to learn about human sexuality. Self-observation over time is a great teacher. It's amazing how orgasm can set off ripples of horniness. Many people report this, even thought it's counter-intuitive. It's kind of like bingeing on your favorite junk food. You have to use the executive function of your brain to stop, or you can much away indefinitely.

You're doing well. Once you're back in balance it will be easier to stay in balance.

it' so difficult

at times I found myself after so long actually googling trying to find a porn scene I watched last year. I eventually found the scene after searching for a few minutes and ended up looking at pics.Then I started thinking about all of the new porn that I HAVENT seen yet since rebooting... oh the temptation. Its like the devils standing on one shoulder and an angel is standing on the other. I then started to think about how people get so far in rebooting then end up relapsing...I do not want that to happen to me I don't think I could even bare all of the guilt.It feels like I take 1 step forward and 20 steps back. Which is why this addiction is so damn hard to conquer at times.But I know I have to reverse this because I cannot/will not live the rest of my life like this don't think I could...

This battle will go on for a while

Someone sent me a thread about this very problem today. It's about an MD (I think) who screwed up his life with a drug addiction...and then sorted himself out and wrote a book about it. I haven't read the book but I've read about it, and it sounds like he really understands addiction neuroscience. The whole thread is interesting.

http://www.memoirsofanaddictedbrain.com/connect/relapse-and-the-problem-...

Looking up that porn was a very dangerous thing to do, and guys tell me that they are more prone to bingeing for several days after they act on an urge. The poor limbic brain is so dumb that it just can't understand the risk. It's telling you lies. Stop

You're doing well. Just shrug off the urges and keep pedalling.

This battle has been going

on for a while now that I think about it.My brain juggles between genres of porn often going to back further and further to earlier experiences. Porn comes in my mind almost 50% of the day I get these huge dopamine highs and it just makes me feel like I'm not actually progressing because I'm watching porn still rather its in dreams flashbacks fantasies etc.And it sucks because it seems like EVERYONE my age is wanting to get into relationships with actual people and having sex with real people yet I'm still a sexual slave to porn my mind just can't seem to give it up.

Actually, I think the regression

is a good sign. A number of guys who recovered remarked that their porn tastes first "regressed" back to the earliest stuff...and then quit. Maybe that's just how the brain cleans up the mess. It starts with the current "thrills" and when it can't get you to act on them, it goes back through the progression trying all the stuff you found hot in the past.

Maybe real people will be in the lineup shortly. Wink