The weirdest thing happened the other day. I've been incredibly easily orgasmic since I was 19 or 20 years old (lucky me!) and would sometimes think myself into an orgasm in a matter of seconds. The other day was the first time that's happened for me, though, with that feeling that comes after a half hour of motionless, eye gazing sex. The transcendence of yubyum, communion with the divine. I was in my kitchen, a brief sexual fantasy and I was in that state 100%. My head lolled a little, my eyes glazed over. Colors, the colors of things shift for me. Bliss.
For the previous couple few weeks I have felt so calm and stable. My life is flowing according to plan. It's really nice. I had been feeling in transition for so long! It was getting really old. The phases of change are absolutely critical to growth, of course. But they can be so disorienting! So many strange emotions stirred up, reactions that don't feel like me, confusion, uncertainty. I love the straightaways, the plateaus, the simplicity. With this most recent skin shed, I am getting used to my new self. So many things that used to be so complicated have become so easy.
I've been thinking about something Marnia said in the comments on my previous post: "We'd all like to fix ourselves first, but we may be passing up some of the best medicine available."
This post has been a long time coming. I've held the beliefs, but didn't feel I could back them up. And I didn't want to offend Marnia. I so appreciate this website and Marnia's constant attentions and advice, that I was cautious about directly contradicting any of her central points. I avoided posting very much because I wanted to get away from the advice I disagreed with. Finally, I've gathered enough data to feel confident that my initial intuition was correct. It is NOT a good strategy to find someone, anyone to cuddle with.
It has happened once again that as soon as things really start getting romantic, the guy I'm dating gets all annoyed with me for nonsensical reasons. I guess I used to have some vague idea that this pattern was about some kind of "intimacy issues." Now, I always suspect that they masturbated to intense orgasm while thinking about me and are plagued by brain worms. It seems to happen more and more the older I get, and I wonder if many older single people are single because they are so affected by passion cycles that it destroys all of their relationships. Sigh.
I just realized it's my one year anniversary! Wow.
"It was at Harvard not quite forty years ago that I went into an anechoic [totally silent] chamber not expecting in that silent room to hear two sounds: one high, my nervous system in operation, one low, my blood in circulation. The reason I did not expect to hear those two sounds was that they were set into vibration without any intention on my part. That experience gave my life direction, the exploration of nonintention."
edited for privacy
My birthday is coming up soon and I was reviewing how my life has changed in the past year. I've let go of so many compulsions - coffee, weed, alcohol. Oh yeah! And orgasm. I take it so for granted now that I forget. Really, though, I think my sexual conversion is central to the changes I've been through. My spiritual practice has deepened and become much more satisfying. I no longer feel like I am seeking, more like I am unfolding, watching curiously.
I realized the other day that it had been three months since I'd had an orgasm. I thought back to my life as it was three months ago and was stunned. So much I take for granted now is really so new. I've had an enormous spiritual growth spurt. I've started attending sweat lodge regularly and am living a much more sober, purposeful life.