Coltrane's blog

Relapse After 2 Months, Back to the Start

Submitted by Coltrane on

For 2 months I was free of PMO- I thought I had successfully rebooted. And then I moved back home from school. Coming back to an environment where my parents are always fighting triggered something in me, and I had a horrible relapse for the past five days, PMO about twice a day. It's also a return of that numbness/ apathy towards life that I experienced when I was first trying to kick this habit.

Here we go again.

Relapse After 50 Days, Back to Day 1

Submitted by Coltrane on

As the title reads, I relapsed pretty at around day 50. Didn't have a K9 blocker on my ipod touch, and the motels I was crashing at all had free wifi. PMO'd daily for about a week or so.
I really felt like I had a hang on things. Don't really know why this happened.

Interest in sex has gone way down in the past week. Back to square one I suppose, and back to the drawing board.

[March 7th, 2012, Day 43] drained, but planning an escape

Submitted by Coltrane on

43 days into the reboot, and I'm still stuck in what I believe to be the longest flatline period yet. Don't really sleep too well at nights, so my days are drowsy and blurry. My workouts have been pathetic lately, and I haven't really been able to push myself lately. Procrastination is dominating as well. 3 exams on Friday, and there's no studying being done. I'm sort of sitting around and feeling numb. Well, at least i've been reading plenty.

[February 29th, 2012, Day 36] ED Strikes and ruins a perfect date

Submitted by Coltrane on

Last night, I took a girl out on date. Fancy little restaurant. Everything went perfect at first. We had some good food, and ended up just sitting around and talking for about four hours. I took her back to my place afterwards, and we popped in a movie. About ten minutes into it, we started making out, and things got pretty hot. At first, I was really happy, because I felt an erection from just a little touching and kissing. It kept up as we got naked, and then as soon as I reached for a condom, BAM, i'm soft, almost DEAD. She told me not to worry and relax, and took over for a bit.

[February 25th, 2012, Day 32] A Breach in the Castle Walls (One Month Mark*)

Submitted by Coltrane on

I have broken any previous records in abstaining from PMO. However, it is no time to celebrate, because the process is really only getting started. The week has been one of ups and downs, with many spells of insomnia and depression. I also realized that my addiction to porn is still very much there.

[February 11th, 2012, Day 18] Keep On Chooglin'

Submitted by Coltrane on

I'm glad i've made it this far. Still no true reaction from my penis, sprouted a random semi-hard one in class the other day, but nothing to celebrate over. I've read posts talking about how just the sight of a girl made some guys hard... still hasn't happened to me, although I guess it's just the pace of my reboot. I think I'm at a flatline without ever experiencing any highs at the beginning of the process, as if my sexuality just doesn't even exist.

[February 7th, 2012, Day 14] It's about giving the finger to everything that doesn't matter

Submitted by Coltrane on

Two Weeks. Tomorrow morning will mark the longest I have ever gone without PMO in my life. And the journey is just beginning.

Aside from the broody/hormonal moods that have been affecting me since Sunday, a few other withdrawal symptoms have sprung up. I feel tired all the time, and my head feels like it's stuffed with cotton. I don't really feel "present" in life right now. My penis still looks and feels dead; haven't been able to get much of a reaction out of it. Doesn't help that it's freezing cold outside.