[February 11th, 2012, Day 18] Keep On Chooglin'

Submitted by Coltrane on
Printer-friendly version

I'm glad i've made it this far. Still no true reaction from my penis, sprouted a random semi-hard one in class the other day, but nothing to celebrate over. I've read posts talking about how just the sight of a girl made some guys hard... still hasn't happened to me, although I guess it's just the pace of my reboot. I think I'm at a flatline without ever experiencing any highs at the beginning of the process, as if my sexuality just doesn't even exist.

Depression strikes me when I get up early in the mornings for class. Felt like I was going to cry yesterday when I rolled out of bed. The mood carried on until the afternoon, but things kind of evened out as the day went on.

I used to have some OCD/anxiety problems when I was younger, and those resurfaced randomly this week. I read an article about a girl who was just diagnosed with some rare cancer, and BOOM my mind started creating symptoms. I think I may have convinced myself I was dying. Can't believe I'm reverting back to this shit.

But there have been good times too. I went out last night with the sole intention of just grabbing a beer with some buddies and taking it easy. I was at a point where I could have stopped drinking and gone to bed, or continued to enjoy myself. Screw it, I thought, I hadn't seriously gone out since last semester. Relocated to another bar/club, and met a great girl! She's a completely gorgeous Chilean student, and I probably would have never had the confidence to talk to her earlier, but I muscled myself into it. I caught her as she was leaving, and we talked for about ten minutes. Turns out she's in my politics class. She told me not to forget her, as she was leaving, because it would be "bad for both of us," and flashed me this deep smile as she walked out. I was on a high from that all night, but naturally, as I got home I started doubting myself. "She was just trying to get away from you" I began telling myself, or "You probably made a fool of yourself." I began regretting saying certain things to her, which I thought were really witty at the time. Then the "You don't stand a chance" thoughts started pouring in. I went to bed depressed and pissed. Why the hell do these self-destructive thoughts even exist? I seriously thought they were things of the past. I'm hoping that by quitting PMO, that these mannerisms will disappear. I mean, that's probably why I'm still a virgin, the second I get a girl in bed, I talk myself out of it by thinking "She's too good for you", or that "I'll be terrible at sex." This girl is great, I don't want to lose a chance with her just because I talked myself out it.

Anyone have any tips?

As you can see, the confidence and optimism of my earlier posts has dwindled slightly...

Comments

Hey!

Anything can happen in the game of love...but I'm sure she wasn't trying to get away from you if she asked you to remember you have a class together. As Darryl would say, "you need a bitch slap." Wink

Don't believe those old brain worms. Give them no attention. They'll pass faster if you don't analyze them.

 

You're doing well.