[February 25th, 2012, Day 32] A Breach in the Castle Walls (One Month Mark*)

Submitted by Coltrane on
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I have broken any previous records in abstaining from PMO. However, it is no time to celebrate, because the process is really only getting started. The week has been one of ups and downs, with many spells of insomnia and depression. I also realized that my addiction to porn is still very much there.

Last night I was watching a movie that had a pretty intense sex scene (To be honest, I knew about this sex scene, which may have had some sway in me choosing that movie...) After it ended, I immediately started searching for my favorite pornstars on google, as if all self-control was broken. Fortunately, my K9 blocker did its job and did not show ANYTHING relevant to my search interests. But I found a way around. [and] started watching. About fifteen minutes in, I managed to shut down my computer, without successfully O'ing. My body was shaking. I felt like a crack addict.

The urge to look at porn was a DIRECT RESPONSE to the feelings of depression and anxiety I have been fighting all week. In the past, when I felt sad, I would look at Porn and MO. Old habits are hard to obliterate I guess. I was really close to breaking down everything I've worked for last night. I can't screw up like this again, because I may not be able to stop myself next time.

Before even taking this on, I thought that by one month I would be completely recovered. Mostly because one month seemed impossible to live without my daily intake of PMO. But i'm here, so let's shoot for three more.

On a brighter note, I've got a date on Tuesday night.

Stay Strong, Stay Golden

Comments

That's good news man.

Even after 4 weeks, it's still hard. The moods are still swinging. I hate the fact that we got so messed up over all of this. it's horrible. But keep pushing through. I find it's easier for me to resist porn watching. However, my stupid brain figured out how to O with out M (!) - so I can sometimes "think" myself to O. It feels like a drug. Today while I was driving home from the Gym, I felt urges in my head to O. Before I didn't notice this as much. But now I can tell where the urge starts. Anyway man, good luck, keep on going!