Long time, no post. With each relapse I learn something new, reinforce my beliefs against porn and start the next battle. Although today only marks the 83rd day PMO free, my war against PMO began nearly 30 months ago. In those 30 months a lot has changed.
I have recently read a book called "The Mood Cure" by Julia Ross. It has some rather interesting information in regards to people who are anxious/depressed and how they tend to seek medications such as SSRI's (selective serotonin re-uptake inhibitor). The long and short of it is SSRI's make people feel more "normal" or less depressed and anxious because it increases the amount of serotonin in the brain. Of course, this comes with many side effects.
I can't do anything in moderation. I can't smoke without eventually falling into a daily ritual. Same goes for alcohol. And the most obvious, porn and masturbation. I have steered clear from the Alcohol, Marijuana and Nicotine for nearly 2 years now. Though in recent months things have changed. I have had a major issue with caffeine. That sounds stupid right? Well, I literally drink 4-5 monster's a day and it is really effecting my anxiety. More so, the effect it has on my brain has made me even more weak. I started drinking on weekends. I smoked weed once since quitting...
Relapsed today. 1 PMO. Hopefully it stays at 1. Instantly regretted it.
Ya. I thought that title would get your attention. A coworker of mine is your typical construction worker. A real a-hole, rude and disrespectful. He also had very little understanding or knowledge about computers so watching porn was out of the question without going to an old fashion porn store. A few months ago the company handed out new smart phones for Navigation to employees who did not already have one. It was only a matter of time before he discovered the magical world of porn.
I pretty much gave up all Caffeine products 20 months ago when I started my PMO-Free Journey. On occasion I would drink a diet coke and the effects of caffeine were rather apparent. I became so sensitive to caffeine that a diet pepsi at 9 in the morning would make it difficult for me to fall asleep 14 hours later. When Spring semester ended 2 months ago I started a little caffeine binge. First it was a coke, then it became 3-5 cokes a day. Soon Cokes did not even phase me. I started drinking Monster and Rockstar drinks. Then 2-4 Energy drinks a day.
It has been awhile since I was able to sustain clarity and focus for over 50 days. Feels good. Feels real good. I hate relapsing. I even hate the idea of it. Just finished up Summer School and will soon be starting up Fall Semester. Other then that... not much to say.
I am currently on day 34 or 35 PMO free I believe. After tracking my feelings of anxiety, feelings and attitude on a daily basis for the last 2 months including 2-3 relapses in between, it is interesting (to myself at least) to see the effects PMO has.
So it has been awhile since I last posted. A little over 2 weeks ago I relapsed on PMO for the millionth time. With the PMO came the anxiety, lack of focus and diminished confidence like always. I am now currently 15 days free again and it feels like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Sure, I have a long ways to go but it is much easier to focus on my goals when I am not feeling so down and despressed from a recent PMO excursion.
Over the last 100 days I have spent about 95 of those days orgasm-free. No matter how early I go to bed, how tired I may be, during those days I can only sleep 8 hours MAX. The 4-5 days that I did orgasm, I slept 10 hours easy. Some "expert" doctors and psychologists would say this is due to being more relaxed, which I find completely untrue. Immediately after orgasm, sure, I am more relaxed, but within the hour my tension/anxiety/stress is definitely on a up-swing (especially by the next morning).