The title says it all. I failed. Again. Failed miserably. With the absolute worst possible timing. I have quit and relapsed more times then I can count with 2 hands. It was just 2 days ago I was posting about how awesome I was doing (62 days), but within the click of a mouse I was doing a nose dive to hell. It has now been roughly 24 hours since my binge and I still feel AWFUL. Honestly, I did not even want to show my face on these forums with the bad news but I need to.
Today, we celebrated Easter like we do every year and boy was I in bad bad shape. First off, last night after my binge, I spoke with a female friend of mine by phone and her exact words were, "you sound different. Your voice sounds so sad." It is pretty bad when a person can tell your fucked up over the phone. So I sleep on it and wake up feeling terrible. I was so incredibly groggy and with the lack of energy that even 4 cups of coffee did not wake me up. I don't think I fully woke up until 5 in the afternoon. My brother comments on how terrible I look, my eyes look "tired and wrinkly."
I was so mean and rude in general today during Easter. I was short with my mother, to my nephews, my brother. My sister-in-law even stated how "mean" I was acting. And you know what? I knew I was acting that way. But I just could not stop myself. I feel awful. I feel like I wasted would could have been a pleasant afternoon. I am looking forward to tomorrow . Maybe I won't be in such a haze.
But I am so pissed at myself. 62 days down the drain. I binged pretty bad. I think I PMO'd more times then humanly possible. Embarrassing. Foolish. Regretful. Anger. All words that come to mind as I type out this pathetic blog. But I want to capture how F*cked this day has been. How shitty I feel. So I can hopefully reflect back on this message in a time of distress to remind myself why I want to quit PMO. Why I need to.
P.S. SERENITY NOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!! - George Costanza
Oh ya... I almost forgot. We took a bunch of family photos out in the back yard. Looking at the photo you can see how absolutely weak, distressed and anxious I look. I am completely hunched over like I had no self-esteem. My eyes look like I am hung over from alcohol. And I am not even smiling. I guess it is true what they say, a picture is worth a thousand words. I should take this photo and post it as my wallpaper on my laptop to remind me of how ridiculous I look. Hahaahahaha! It is so sad it's actually kind of funny.