Crash and burn. Call me the Relapse King.

Submitted by Confinement84 on
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The title says it all. I failed. Again. Failed miserably. With the absolute worst possible timing. I have quit and relapsed more times then I can count with 2 hands. It was just 2 days ago I was posting about how awesome I was doing (62 days), but within the click of a mouse I was doing a nose dive to hell. It has now been roughly 24 hours since my binge and I still feel AWFUL. Honestly, I did not even want to show my face on these forums with the bad news but I need to.

Today, we celebrated Easter like we do every year and boy was I in bad bad shape. First off, last night after my binge, I spoke with a female friend of mine by phone and her exact words were, "you sound different. Your voice sounds so sad." It is pretty bad when a person can tell your fucked up over the phone. So I sleep on it and wake up feeling terrible. I was so incredibly groggy and with the lack of energy that even 4 cups of coffee did not wake me up. I don't think I fully woke up until 5 in the afternoon. My brother comments on how terrible I look, my eyes look "tired and wrinkly."

I was so mean and rude in general today during Easter. I was short with my mother, to my nephews, my brother. My sister-in-law even stated how "mean" I was acting. And you know what? I knew I was acting that way. But I just could not stop myself. I feel awful. I feel like I wasted would could have been a pleasant afternoon. I am looking forward to tomorrow . Maybe I won't be in such a haze.

But I am so pissed at myself. 62 days down the drain. I binged pretty bad. I think I PMO'd more times then humanly possible. Embarrassing. Foolish. Regretful. Anger. All words that come to mind as I type out this pathetic blog. But I want to capture how F*cked this day has been. How shitty I feel. So I can hopefully reflect back on this message in a time of distress to remind myself why I want to quit PMO. Why I need to.

P.S. SERENITY NOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!! - George Costanza

Oh ya... I almost forgot. We took a bunch of family photos out in the back yard. Looking at the photo you can see how absolutely weak, distressed and anxious I look. I am completely hunched over like I had no self-esteem. My eyes look like I am hung over from alcohol. And I am not even smiling. I guess it is true what they say, a picture is worth a thousand words. I should take this photo and post it as my wallpaper on my laptop to remind me of how ridiculous I look. Hahaahahaha! It is so sad it's actually kind of funny.

Comments

The good thing about this is

The good thing about this is that you know it's not something permanent and you have the power and tools to make things change for yourself. People tend to forget about how we looked or sounded a certain day. There is always the chance to redeem yourself, even if it's piecemeal. Nothing is lost in the process, no matter how many times you relapsed, you only gain.

Be easy on yourself. In the end, it's about the relationship you develop and heal with yourself. Doesn't that start with not beating yourself up over mb? Would you beat up a friend or family member over wanking?

Everybody moves at their own pace...

First of all don't beat yourself up man. Relapse is a BIG part of my story. I first attempted to quit porn back in 2007! I made it about 11 days on my own and felt some relief but then I went right back to it. Guess I was hooked. For some they get on here and within a few months they are off and running, no longer watching porn. Not me! it took me a long time, more than a year in fact and many more before reaching out to this web community and let me remind you there are men twice my age that have had way more time in addiction who ultimately were able to quit. You are ahead of the curve brother.

Now, I'm happy to say, I have about 9 months of no PMO. I can barely believe it myself and I can choose to go as long as I want now, instead of feeling like I'm not the one deciding. I have gotten such a huge boost of energy from this practice of temporary abstinence. I realize now that the relationship I chose to start while trying to quit porn was also part of what kept me addicted but I didn't realize that until months after I broke it off. I will end my abstinence only with a woman that I feel is good mate material, I'm willing to wait as long as it takes to find the right person.

When I got to reuniting in 2010 I was a total mess. I had just had a short term relationship with a woman years my junior who I found soooo irresistible. Problem was there was *no* possibility of a real relationship with her and she turned out to be extremely immature. Somehow through this nonsense and drama her being absent from home for one night without calling her parents (she was 22 by the way...) somehow convinced her insane controlling family that she was a missing person. So I had the cops going to my school and my apartment checking up on my facebook and violating my privacy trying to find out where I was! All this for a little sex?! It's not worth it and I needed to find help.

I knew from this episode that my addiction to porn, masturbation and immature women who don't love me were completely linked. Then once I started acclimating myself to the, at first, esoteric notions on this website I began to have a glimmer of hope. It wasn't long after that I became a Marnia and Gary convert and started trying to implement some kind of reboot and at the same time wanted to be in a relationship with someone who could try Karezza with me.

I chose badly but I did get something out it. After a year of relapses was I able to finally "take the cure" - for me I have to quit masturbating for a good long while. For the longest time I gave myself a pass, I'll be honest, I wanted to do anything and everything but quit masturbation. Porn was just a means of having really good masturbation so for me those things are really intertwined. I thought I could quit porn and still masturbate but I realized every time I tried to masturbate without porn I just wanted porn because it didn't make me feel as good doing it on my own.

Masturbation is where it began, even before there was hardcore and freely available porn in my life. I now occasionally contend with the desire to masturbate but that is usually when I'm really stressed out. I have not yet listened to that side of my brain because I must tell you - it *does* get better! Find that hope again and cling to it! Also take some of the advice about finding something else to do and try to hold yourself accountable by telling another person. That impulse to *hide* is very powerful so you did a very good thing coming around and telling us what happened. How else can you be helped?

I realized that everything starts with fantasy, then masturbation, then porn (maybe for a long session, maybe a short one) then orgasm. I needed to nip it in the bud with fantasy first and then masturbation. I have had experiences where I thought I was going insane! My feelings and sexual side kept telling me to masturbate but my rational brain said no. And that is what has to be constantly encouraged here. Your rational brain, your thinking brain can "outsmart" the lizard brain that is attempting to just feel good all the time. Who can blame it? We live in an unloving, fucked up world of greed and exploitation with many of our basic needs of love and belonging are never met.

You are a smart guy Confinement. Start using that big noodle of yours and begin *planning* how you will avoid relapse - at all costs. If you need to be reminded of how much you hated yourself and don't want to feel that way be my guest but I prefer to encourage myself by remembering how much *better* I will feel and ultimately a positive vision of my life arises from the healthy decisions I choose to make that has its basis in beating this addiction. You will beat it my friend. Take heart. Positive reinforcement works way better than punishing yourself, in my experience.

Again, now is the time for ACTION, put self pity aside, it won't help you where you are headed. You are *not* confined anymore. You will be made free by doing whatever you need to do to prevent yourself from masturbating (not looking at porn is a given here) for an extended period of time. Don't worry about how long you need to go, just go as long as you can. Give yourself some credit, you went a good long while! On one of these runs of abstinence (and I can't tell you which one) ...the time will just keep adding up if you stay away from triggers, tell another human being what you are going through (either on here or somewhere else) and put healthy alternatives in the way of the next relapse.

I cannot emphasize enough how much good old fashioned exercise has helped me in this process. I run or go to the gym now with the same frequency I used to masturbate. This makes me feel good about myself whereas PMO used to make me feel, well, just the same way you described yourself on Easter. I never want to go back there but it takes some work, dedication and determination to make such a big change so cut yourself a break buddy. Help is here you just gotta use it.

No matter what just don't jerk off! Come on this website *before* you relapse! Tell someone about your triggers *before* you allow it to slip past the point of no return. Above all get out and do something else, anything that is healthy. Try not to replace addiction to PMO with some other addiction, unless you want to get "addicted" to health food, exercise, backgammon, reading, writing, singing, music, caring for an animal or plant or something (anything) else that isn't harmful and is actually healthy for you.

Do whatever it takes!

DC

Good advice guys.

Thanks for the advice.Yes it was a 1 day binge a very bad 1 day binge. It has now been 5 or 6 days and am beginning to feel a little. Keep on keeping on.