I am currently on day 34 or 35 PMO free I believe. After tracking my feelings of anxiety, feelings and attitude on a daily basis for the last 2 months including 2-3 relapses in between, it is interesting (to myself at least) to see the effects PMO has.
** I apolagize if some of my daily logs sound so cocky or big-headed, I am merely trying to boost my confidence in my own journals by wording my posts in a particular matter. I also did not expect for anybody to see to see this journal other then myself so I really did not write in complete sentences or for that matter, have correct spelling.
** changed names of people for the sake of privacy
5-18-2012 day relapse ==== GROUND ZERO
I was 24 days sober until today. I was overcome with sexual energy. Regretted it as soon as it was done. Hope not
to relapse more. Was feeling very anxious free for the last few days... BAH. I am a dumb ass. My anxiety was astoundingly
low. In many situations I was not really rattled. I wasn't even easily angry. I did not hold a grudge and barely had
negetive emotion. THEN.... I PMO'd. The PMO wasn't even that good either. Not worth it. Need to save the MO for a REAL
5-19-12 relapse again
5-20-12 Day 1
5-21-12 Day 2. Anxiety up and down. Definitely more up then few days ago. Amazing how different PMO free can make u feel
Oh. I also got in another fight with Jennifer yesterday. Everytime I PMO i end up getting into fights with Jennifer. Even
Mary, remember? GRRRRR......
5-22-12 Day 3.
5-23-12 .... Anxiety high, could not talk properly. Stuttering... RELAPSE FAILED. Socially very retarded as we worked at
the state job. Could not resist the urge to PMO... once you even briefly look at photos my mind goes in a completely
5-24-12 Day 1
5-27-12 DAY 1 AGAIN
5-28-12 Day 2 completely angry with Jennifer.... it is out of control... for no reason..... it is obvious that PMO definitely
make itt difficult for myself to control my mood and feelings in a negetive way.
5-30-12 Day 4
6-1-12 Day 6... Went to movies... out 1st time since laser.... Anxiety... lots of anxiety.....
6-2-12 Day 7...... Anxiety....lots of uncomfortable anxiety... piss frequently... AHHhhhh!!! face still red..... why would
I ever PMO? its rediculous? To feel this way? All the time.... i have no confidence at all....
6-7-12 day 12
Anxiety is beginning to go away again. I feel much better today then I have felt last week. Need to continue on this path.
Also I can feel that my arousal is starting to come back. That sexual energy. Becareful of that energy... Be VERY careful.
6-10-12 Day 15
Anxiety feeling lower and lower each and every day. went to the movies yesterday and felt no anxiety at all really. Today I
washed my grandma's car for the hell of it. Been running a lot. Going to try and lose more weight. Summer school
started today, seems easy. Also tomorrow I will have dinner with G-ma.
6-14-12 day 19
Anxiety low... did see some nude images. But did not PMO.
Anxiety felt slightly higher next day but probably due to all the caffeine and lack of sleep.
Stay away from Caffeine!
6-17-12 day 22
Anxiety kind of up and down, definitely much lower then in the past. Went grocerie shopping, went tog randmas, seen uncle and
cousin. Probably anxious from caffeine as well. AC broke!!!! AHHHHHH
6-18-12 Day 23
relapsed... 1 time.... short and sweet. Do I reset timer? Hmmm.. Anxiety was so low today.. working with Don, Danny and the
homeowners. Damn. Do I reset timer? Lets see how I feel later.
6-19-12 day 0 relapse....
6-20-12 day 1
Starting Fresh today. Surpisingly not that anxious today. Drank alot of caffeine too. Worked at vet clinic, talked with
ladies there a little but I did notice my confidence was not quite that high. Time to go PMO free again. URRHHHHH!
6-22-12 day 3
Not quite as anxious as you would think. But some anxiety. Bleh. Harder to keep feelings of anger at bay.
6-25-12 day 6 Anxiety hopefully going away. No real bad anxious moments. Worked with Rammy at Eagle Cove
6-27-12 day 8
Eagle Cove Court repaint. Went to Jasmine's retirement party... she is so great. Anxiety surprisingly low considering how much socializing.
Did Feel rather down as far as the scars.. after the party... not sure why I didn't feel so good. Ate alot of pizza...
went home felt sick from being so full. ran like crazy.
6-29-12 day 10
Anxiety really low so far. Love it. Drink way too much caffeine and very tired though.
7-2-12 day 13
Worked in the Bay today. Anxiety pretty low over all. Caffeine increases anxiety a little but mostly makes me tired.
7-3-12 day 14
4th of July Party. Did not feel too bad over all. Was able to hold some conversations.
7-6-12 day 17
Drank a ton of caffeine today which makes me feel slightly anxious. Finished up the job site and opened a Chase account for
the extra 200 dollars. Will be able to waive the monthly fee by keeping 1500 dollars in the account at all times. Don't
like going grocerie shopping in my work clothes as I look and feel grungy. Went for a run today and had the attention of many
woman. Almost felt like PMO but was able to withhold from the madness. I am sure I will be happy I did by tomorrow morning.
7-8-12 day 19
Look so sexy at times. Smoked weed yesterday... for the 1st time in 1.5 years. Didn't really like it, doubt I will ever try
it again. My hair is long. My body is in great shape. On Zig Zag diet. Hard to really tell if my anxiety has improved a LOT
since I am extremely buzzed on caffeine all day every day.
7-11-12 day 22
Finished up 2 walls at Eagle Cover for theDoctor with Don. Drank a ton of coffee, energy drinks and finished
another job. Went to the gym like usual but I feel kind of tired from all the caffeine. Anxiety... hmmmm..... meh.. not bad.
7-12-12 day 23
Ran into Jeff at the taco truck. Anxiety felt low.... very low.
7-16-12 day 27
Anxiety low. Worked at Man-eaters 800 Danberry drive spot. Seen College woman and get an immediate "porn-like rush" look
away and ignore it immiediately. Went to gym but it is shutdown for 5 days... Guess I'll be running outside. Anxiety lower
each and every day.
7-20-12 day 31
Anxiety low. Barry said he was thankful I quit smoking and I am going to college because I am so much more intelligent and
on top of things. He even said Thankyou. Yes, he said Thankyou. Amazing. Ran at night... getting attention from woman when I
run shirtless. Love running at night. Went to get Pizza with Arnold. Tomorrow I will take my 5 year old nephew Mikey
to see BATMAN!!!! DUN DUN DUN
7-22-12 day 33
Dropped Mikey off today. Got a taste of father hood as I had to watch the nephew for 24 hours. We went to the movies, went
swimming at the pool, went for ice-cream, went shopping. I also had several woman checking me out today as I was walking
in my swim shorts and shirtless. What can I say ? My body is sexy. Too bad I have little confidence with woman. Really need
to work on that. Anxiety pretty low over all. Pretty stupid as I can tell many woman are really into me physically as they
always try to catch my attention by messing with their hair.