My personal journal from the last 2 months. Wasn't planning on releasing this.

Submitted by Confinement84 on
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I am currently on day 34 or 35 PMO free I believe. After tracking my feelings of anxiety, feelings and attitude on a daily basis for the last 2 months including 2-3 relapses in between, it is interesting (to myself at least) to see the effects PMO has.

** I apolagize if some of my daily logs sound so cocky or big-headed, I am merely trying to boost my confidence in my own journals by wording my posts in a particular matter. I also did not expect for anybody to see to see this journal other then myself so I really did not write in complete sentences or for that matter, have correct spelling.

** changed names of people for the sake of privacy
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My Journal

5-18-2012 day relapse ==== GROUND ZERO
I was 24 days sober until today. I was overcome with sexual energy. Regretted it as soon as it was done. Hope not
to relapse more. Was feeling very anxious free for the last few days... BAH. I am a dumb ass. My anxiety was astoundingly
low. In many situations I was not really rattled. I wasn't even easily angry. I did not hold a grudge and barely had
negetive emotion. THEN.... I PMO'd. The PMO wasn't even that good either. Not worth it. Need to save the MO for a REAL
woman.

5-19-12 relapse again
5-20-12 Day 1
5-21-12 Day 2. Anxiety up and down. Definitely more up then few days ago. Amazing how different PMO free can make u feel
Oh. I also got in another fight with Jennifer yesterday. Everytime I PMO i end up getting into fights with Jennifer. Even
Mary, remember? GRRRRR......

5-22-12 Day 3.
5-23-12 .... Anxiety high, could not talk properly. Stuttering... RELAPSE FAILED. Socially very retarded as we worked at
the state job. Could not resist the urge to PMO... once you even briefly look at photos my mind goes in a completely
different direction.
5-24-12 Day 1

5-27-12 DAY 1 AGAIN
5-28-12 Day 2 completely angry with Jennifer.... it is out of control... for no reason..... it is obvious that PMO definitely
make itt difficult for myself to control my mood and feelings in a negetive way.
5-29-12

5-30-12 Day 4
6-1-12 Day 6... Went to movies... out 1st time since laser.... Anxiety... lots of anxiety.....
6-2-12 Day 7...... Anxiety....lots of uncomfortable anxiety... piss frequently... AHHhhhh!!! face still red..... why would
I ever PMO? its rediculous? To feel this way? All the time.... i have no confidence at all....
6-7-12 day 12
Anxiety is beginning to go away again. I feel much better today then I have felt last week. Need to continue on this path.
Also I can feel that my arousal is starting to come back. That sexual energy. Becareful of that energy... Be VERY careful.
6-10-12 Day 15
Anxiety feeling lower and lower each and every day. went to the movies yesterday and felt no anxiety at all really. Today I
washed my grandma's car for the hell of it. Been running a lot. Going to try and lose more weight. Summer school
started today, seems easy. Also tomorrow I will have dinner with G-ma.

6-14-12 day 19
Anxiety low... did see some nude images. But did not PMO.
Anxiety felt slightly higher next day but probably due to all the caffeine and lack of sleep.
Stay away from Caffeine!
6-17-12 day 22
Anxiety kind of up and down, definitely much lower then in the past. Went grocerie shopping, went tog randmas, seen uncle and
cousin. Probably anxious from caffeine as well. AC broke!!!! AHHHHHH

6-18-12 Day 23
relapsed... 1 time.... short and sweet. Do I reset timer? Hmmm.. Anxiety was so low today.. working with Don, Danny and the
homeowners. Damn. Do I reset timer? Lets see how I feel later.

6-19-12 day 0 relapse....
6-20-12 day 1
Starting Fresh today. Surpisingly not that anxious today. Drank alot of caffeine too. Worked at vet clinic, talked with
ladies there a little but I did notice my confidence was not quite that high. Time to go PMO free again. URRHHHHH!
6-22-12 day 3
Not quite as anxious as you would think. But some anxiety. Bleh. Harder to keep feelings of anger at bay.
6-25-12 day 6 Anxiety hopefully going away. No real bad anxious moments. Worked with Rammy at Eagle Cove
6-27-12 day 8
Eagle Cove Court repaint. Went to Jasmine's retirement party... she is so great. Anxiety surprisingly low considering how much socializing.
Did Feel rather down as far as the scars.. after the party... not sure why I didn't feel so good. Ate alot of pizza...
went home felt sick from being so full. ran like crazy.

6-29-12 day 10
Anxiety really low so far. Love it. Drink way too much caffeine and very tired though.

7-2-12 day 13
Worked in the Bay today. Anxiety pretty low over all. Caffeine increases anxiety a little but mostly makes me tired.
7-3-12 day 14
4th of July Party. Did not feel too bad over all. Was able to hold some conversations.
7-6-12 day 17
Drank a ton of caffeine today which makes me feel slightly anxious. Finished up the job site and opened a Chase account for
the extra 200 dollars. Will be able to waive the monthly fee by keeping 1500 dollars in the account at all times. Don't
like going grocerie shopping in my work clothes as I look and feel grungy. Went for a run today and had the attention of many
woman. Almost felt like PMO but was able to withhold from the madness. I am sure I will be happy I did by tomorrow morning.

7-8-12 day 19
Look so sexy at times. Smoked weed yesterday... for the 1st time in 1.5 years. Didn't really like it, doubt I will ever try
it again. My hair is long. My body is in great shape. On Zig Zag diet. Hard to really tell if my anxiety has improved a LOT
since I am extremely buzzed on caffeine all day every day.
7-11-12 day 22
Finished up 2 walls at Eagle Cover for theDoctor with Don. Drank a ton of coffee, energy drinks and finished
another job. Went to the gym like usual but I feel kind of tired from all the caffeine. Anxiety... hmmmm..... meh.. not bad.

7-12-12 day 23
Ran into Jeff at the taco truck. Anxiety felt low.... very low.
7-16-12 day 27
Anxiety low. Worked at Man-eaters 800 Danberry drive spot. Seen College woman and get an immediate "porn-like rush" look
away and ignore it immiediately. Went to gym but it is shutdown for 5 days... Guess I'll be running outside. Anxiety lower
each and every day.

7-20-12 day 31
Anxiety low. Barry said he was thankful I quit smoking and I am going to college because I am so much more intelligent and
on top of things. He even said Thankyou. Yes, he said Thankyou. Amazing. Ran at night... getting attention from woman when I
run shirtless. Love running at night. Went to get Pizza with Arnold. Tomorrow I will take my 5 year old nephew Mikey
to see BATMAN!!!! DUN DUN DUN

7-22-12 day 33
Dropped Mikey off today. Got a taste of father hood as I had to watch the nephew for 24 hours. We went to the movies, went
swimming at the pool, went for ice-cream, went shopping. I also had several woman checking me out today as I was walking
in my swim shorts and shirtless. What can I say ? My body is sexy. Too bad I have little confidence with woman. Really need
to work on that. Anxiety pretty low over all. Pretty stupid as I can tell many woman are really into me physically as they
always try to catch my attention by messing with their hair.

Comments

There are so many tips

on how to connect with women....and I'm sure you're right that they find you hot. So why not start trying some of the ideas.

Ask at this forum for ideas of good pick-up artist sites.YOURBRAINREBALANCED.COM  Some sites are actually quite useful for helping guys develop basic social skills. I suspect that's all that's holding you back.

Do you make eye-contact? Do you smile at the women? When you smile at them, do you think, "Wow. You're lovely."? Or do you think "Don't talk to me."? Secret

Do you think it would be possible to come up with a long masturbation schedule for now...say 3 weeks...and stick to it without binging? It'll probably be very tough to avoid the chaser at first, but guys report that the chaser calms down gradually. That way, you wouldn't have a reason to get upset with yourself.

I honestly think connection/touch is all you're missing now. I know how busy you are, but could you squeeze a dance class in there too?

You're ready for a breakthrough. Let's "get 'er done."

 

I am not sure what you mean

I am not sure what you mean by a Masturbation schedule? Do you think that would help me? I feel every time I end up masturbating, I eventually lead back into PMO. As for now I attempt to stand clear of everything. I have NEVER had a wet-dream in my life which goes to show how much I Masturbated since puberty. I would not mind going to some type of schedule after I have a wet dream. Even after 60 days of zero orgasms, I never had a wet dream. Doesn't this mean my body is not "reset" yet?

As for the woman, I do smile back. I just have no confidence to walk up to a complete stranger. It is much easier for me to do it at school if the woman is my class and we are just having a casual conversation ( usually related to schoolwork.)

I honestly get 3-4 looks a day from random woman so I don't know why I have zero confidence... I dress well, I am handsome, and I believe I have a perfect body( I actually had a woman tell me I have the body of an Abercrombie model a few months ago from school). However, I do have some acne scarring on my cheek bones from when I was a kid. This scarring is pretty minimal but I hate the way it looks under sunlight from certain angles. I am very subconscious of this. It is just one of those weird hang-ups I suppose. I feel like I would have 100X more confidence if it wasn't for this scarring. I had a laser treatment done 2 months ago and some of the scars filled in but the doctor used a very "conservative" setting the first time around to see how my skin would react. I go in for a second treatment in about 2 months. These procedures are very pricey but will be well worth it if I can improve the scarring on my cheek bones back to normal which I know is possible in time . Until then, I feel like I can't get too close to a woman or anybody for that matter.

In the mean time, I do feel like I am making progress. I have bad social anxiety when I relapse on PMO but this anxiety is nearly non-existent as I get to about 4-5 weeks out(depending on how hard I relapsed.) It is pretty obvious at this point now that I have been trying to overcome porn for the last 1.6 years. Every time I relapse hard I just feel so ackward in most social situations. Even more so, I have a hard time controlling my emotions. Things such as dealing with snarky comments from rude coworkers, to aggressive behavior such the road rage incident story I posted about previously when the guy actually crashed into the middle divider or the physical fight in the 5-star resteraunt. To getting in stupid arguments with this girl that I have been chatting with.., which reminds me...

I have been chatting with this woman for about 6 months who lives in another state. We chat on webcam or talk by phone just about every day. This woman is really into me and I think she is pretty sweet too. She says once she finishes her employment "contract" with this company she is doing some work for, she wants to come visit with me here as she basically contracts her services out and doesn't work for any specific company. If this will ever happen I really don't know. I feel like it is a weird situation because we never met face to face yet we know about each other's lives very well. She knows about my laser procedure, she knows that I don't masturbate or have had any orgasms for an unusual lengthy amount of time. However, she does NOT know about my long-stint of porn addiction, though I would just assume that every woman thinks all men look at porn. In a way I feel weird because I feel like if I get "friendly" with other woman in my city then I feel like I am being unfaithful to this girl yet at the same time I want to keep my options open incase her plans never come to fruition.

I just feel so confused and lost. All I really know at this point is I should continue to work hard in school and avoid PMO. At least avoid MO until I have my 1st wet-dream....ever.

Ah...very interesting

You sneaky devil! How delightful. An admirer who wants to come see you. Someone with whom you feel a genuine bond. Hmmm.... Definitely invite her.

As for the scarring, it's fine to do surgery if it's worth it to you, but confidence is an inside job, not a matter of cosmetics. I suggest you start looking in the mirror again and telling yourself how gorgeous you are...until you get it that the gorgeousness is YOU, not your body or your skin.

What if you set yourself a goal to invite one girl a week out for a coffee? Doesn't matter if she says "yes" or "no." Just show yourself you can do it. This is important, because if you don't see that you can do this, you're likely to clutch this web girl like a life preserver...and drown you both. Wink

Honestly, I don't know the right answer to your masturbation schedule, but this binging cycle is not helping you, so it might be better now...after all the work you've already done...to try to get to a masturbation schedule. I think the neurochemical "hangover" can be as long as two weeks, but you probably already know how long yours is. That's why I said 3 weeks, so you get a week of "bliss" before going through a cycle again.

In any case, wet dreams are just a marker for some guys. Who know if they would mean much in your case?

The truth is, I'm really proud of you. You've come so far. You're just about over the...um...hump. Trust me.

Did you check out some pick-up artist ideas? Some of the "games" work really well, and women like them too.