new kind of depression

Submitted by crissyp on
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I just landed on this site in hopes of restoring my marriage. I am into this man for over 2 decades and he has always been into PMO to some level. I ignored my needs to the point that I finally acted out and had an affair with disasterous results. Now that my husband is on board with karezza and giving up PMO. my problem is now that I have hurt for so long with his empty promises, I am not even happy that he is willing to try this method. I am noy hopefull at all. I am drained emotionally and I don't believe anything he says. will I ever turn a corner or is it too late ? if there is hope, then what is the number one thing to do to get where I need to be ?



I'm sorry for what you've been through

No one can say. But it's definitely worth "going through the motions" for a bit to see if your feelings unlock. You may want to read this article: The Lazy Way to Stay in Love. Understand the power/strategy of daily bonding behaviors.

In our book (lefthand margin), we recommend at least two weeks of these before you try to put intercourse back in the picture.

You might also find the FAQs here to be useful:

The shift takes time, but can be quite powerful. This will inspire you: Guys Who Gave Up Porn: On Sex and Romance | Psychology Today

Let us know how you get on.


I have committed to going through the motions of karezza. my husband is very committed to it as I have threatened divorce if he relapses one more time into unacceptable behavior. (I have had over 20 years of his crap). I have seen that his obstaining from M and P and O has made him more interested in me and even this morning found that his level of arousal was noticeable. not a towel hanger by any means but there, more than 'normal" , non the less.
getting hopeful.

still struggling

I have , for some time, in my relationship , felt like I was a parent to my addicted partner and he felt like a kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar when I found him doing something inappropriate. just a cycle of getting caught and then the punishment. in fact, in one our heart to heart talks he admitted feeling resentment when I caught him as he didn't get to finish his rush that PMO gave him. my redirecting was viewed as a punishment.
now the question is this, he recognizes that PMO is an addiction and he knows that we need to reconnect but I still feel that he resents me for not getting the immediate reward that PMO offers and now has to develop new skills to achieve the same affects . it seems that anything else is more rewarding but is more "work" and my guilt is overwhelming. as silly as it sounds, when he isn't happy , I feel its my fault even tho the end results are much better. I am at a loss right now .

It's good to acknowledge your feelings,

and remind yourself that in the long run he may be delighted you both tried something new. The problem is the time lag of withdrawal. The symptoms can be subtle or severe, but the addict feels somewhat anxious, restless, unsatisfied, "needs-unmet," etc.

This is not your issue. His brain may be improving for 1.5 years according to addiction experts. If you blame yourself every time he feels less than full pleasure (due to unfortunate changes he engineered in his brain without your help), you'll be miserable a lot.

Keep smiling and help him be patient.

He can learn more about the realities of withdrawal here: What does withdrawal from porn addiction look like?

In no event should you try to compete with his porn harem with your behavior. Although he doesn't realize it perhaps, most porn addiction is addiction to novelty, not sex. Just be yourself and as long as he keeps progressing, keep encouraging and loving him. Hold a vision of him as completely himself, restored to normal arousal patterns with both of you much happier. Be patient. This will take time.

You might like this book, written for both husband and wife: Love You Hate the Porn. The therapist has good suggestions for both. You need to be able to emote. He needs to listen. You need time to regain your trust. Daily affection, even small efforts, pay big dividends - although they too need a bit of time to register fully as pleasurable.

Just keep trudging.Dance 4


Ok, so I was told to go thru the motions; I am not sure that I have accomplished that yet. What I have done is not be so resistant to his advances towards me to show affection. Well, that was not a good outcome. I had been sexually neglected for so long, and emotionally just deprived to numbness, I over reacted to his newfound attention and did what I can only explain as "binging" and had several days of "catching up" on O and now I am regretting it. I really thought that I deserved it and he was willing to give me what I thought I wanted all the while denying himself O. I am proud of him, but I am now prickly, non affectionate, no desire for any kind of touching.
tired etc.. I am not sure , but I am sure there is a name for this ??
the truth of the matter is that I wanted to do karezza , only after I caught up but not am reconsidering my tac.
I guess we were both way out of balance.

out of balance can last awhile

and you can try to be okay with it, expect it. You are now more aware than ever before of this balance, right? That's a huge achievement in itself.

It is VERY encouraging that he is already working on avoiding orgasm (at least sometimes?). I think you have a great chance of developing a new fantastic relationship.

The prickly, no desire to touch, I call it "orgasm fallout". That's my name for it.

Daily cuddling and other bonding behaviors are the most effective way to bring you two together. This takea  a few weeks but if you do 30 minutes or so a day for two weeks you'll see it's a different world together.

It is an investment

We went through the rough ride too. Almost split up because of emotional issues and past hurts. What we realized about karezza is that it is an investment. It takes time, with no obvious reward until the receptors get formed in the brain. All in all, it took about a year and a half of daily practice, through the conflict, before we started to really feel the wonderful oxytocin "highs". Now we both can see how this approach, though slow, is the only one that leads to a soulful, satisfying bonded relationship. Good luck...


i was having a really bad day today and the encouragement helps me a lot. I was wanting to end it all today by , crawling into a hole and pulling the hole in after me.