I broke down, even thinking about what I was doing and just not caring. Unfortunately I don't feel much regret or shame during or after a PMO craze. I tend to not focus on negative feelings. So I'll remind myself of the positive things that have happened after I describe what I believe caused my relapse.
I'm feeling a weird frustration and the desire to run around the block of few times and bench press a couple cars. My mind feels oddly sharp, but the bastard keeps telling me to work on my fellowship application for grad school.
I'm also feeling a re-kindling urge to join a jiu-jitsu gym and hit things. This hasn't happened to me since my SO broke up with me and we were separated for 8 months before getting back together.
Have felt a bit of a pull toward porn today, stronger than since I quit about a week ago. I can handle it, but it is annoying. Yesterday my and my SO had a successful karezza experience yesterday. It didn't go all that long, maybe 30-45min. A regular "O" focused encounter usually lasts us about 45min to an hour. For the moment I don't feel all that frustrated about the lack of the topper. That may be because of my recent feelings of a lack of satiation after any type of O - as it goes, not much of a problem up to this point.
My lady got too exited for her power over me and made me uh... go. So here's to day two. We had to have a talk about doing what feels right, not making the other go because we can.
Karezza may be more important to me than I thought. At least in the way that makes sex less of a duty and chore and something that is meaningful while being directionless. I didn't get any tonight - though I could have, but I decided that it was okay not to do something even though I knew I wouldn’t fall back to PMO for relief. I feel much better about waiting until the time feels 'right' and less frustrated at giving up the opportunity.
Though not much time has passed, thus some discussion of advancement or struggle is not forthcoming, I did want to post more in depth on my relationship. If only for my benefit after I manage to cure myself. I've only been in one serious relationship, in fact - only in one romantic relationship. It has to this point been an enjoyable experience with few drawbacks (We're still together 10+ years).
Day 1 - for positive reinforcement, I use past tense to describe my actions.