Day 2 - More Thoughts on my Relationship with SO

Submitted by CylusBA on
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Though not much time has passed, thus some discussion of advancement or struggle is not forthcoming, I did want to post more in depth on my relationship. If only for my benefit after I manage to cure myself. I've only been in one serious relationship, in fact - only in one romantic relationship. It has to this point been an enjoyable experience with few drawbacks (We're still together 10+ years).

Thinking back to when we first started dating, heavy petting and the like. If I can remember, I probably gave up porn for the first long while - I have always said to myself "when I'm in a relationship I won't look at porn" which changed to "when I'm married I won't look at porn"... then (I'm not married) it changed to "when I have children I won't look at porn". I can see that I was building excuses and drawing lines in the sand on a windy day.

One reason I'm giving PMO up is my concern at the circumstance that I receive less and less satisfaction with my SO as time wears on. Like I've said, I happily remain attracted to her, no ED, DE, or anything long term or severe. In some ways I used PMO to prevent PE, at times resorting to doing it just before intercourse, which actually never worked because I lost interest. Recently however, I've felt like I couldn’t get enough from my SO and that she couldn’t really satisfy me. I've now been talking to her about approaching sex with an attitude more towards bonding rather than showmanship and finish-line shenanigans. A change from all the pressure I was putting on her just days ago, saying "I need it at leas five times a day".

She is very open to the idea - which brought up some conversation between us. She said to me that she was hurt that she couldn't satisfy me - This statement was brought on by my recurring attitude in saying "round 2?" minutes after sex. She'd apparently felt this way for awhile. I asked why she hadn't told me this before. Her response was that she knew I would say "we don't do it enough" or "we need to do it more" or "you need to do this better". Immediately I saw that she was right to feel that way, and I had the opportunity to apologize and explain that it was my brain going for a rush rather than anything to do with her. I explained bits of Karezza and we made a go at it this very night - I think Karezza is a masterful fit for her, less so for me thus far.

In some ways I feel very strange in comparison to how others describe their post-coital state. I shut down and stop caring for 10 seconds or so. I've never noticed a lack of energy (though I consider myself somewhat of a low energy person to begin with) the next day. I do not fall asleep after sex, nor could I - it wakes me up. I remain interested in my partner - let’s say that we had sex at 10 AM, finished by 11AM, by 11:20 AM I'd have my hands all over her again.

Issued I've faced, which accelerated more recently. A lack of zest when it came to real sex - porn was cleaner, neater, and quicker. I'm a fastidious person when it comes to keeping my body clean. Lack of pleasure from PIV. Thinking I would rather just PMO instead of take the time and trouble to make her climax. This can be some work, as I think she's desensitized over the years, also her orgasms do make her tired - she can't walk for 10-30min after one. Like her legs really do not work, we like to call them seizures. I'm hoping Karezza will increase the closeness between us and take the "work" out of sex. At the same time I need to give up PMO in order to make real sex more meaningful.

From here I shall attempt to go for... 30 days without the big O. I failed today, got a little too heated.

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Have you read about "the chaser?"

It's not uncommon for the neurochemical ride after orgasm to kick in an insatiable feeling (especially if climax has been too frequent for one's system). Do You Need A Chaser After Sex?

In other words, "horniness" isn't always libido. Sometimes it's just a powerful craving to self-medicate the neurochemical swings after the big O, and no amount of climaxes can quite do the job. The result can be overtaxing the system further: Men: Does Frequent Ejaculation Cause a Hangover? Fascinating actually.

It's very cool that you're both willing to play around with karezza. It might ultimately bring you two into harmony (because intercourse won't deplete her or fire you up and leave you insatiable). But be patient, for a while it may leave you feeling a bit restless. Give your brain time to adjust to a new pattern (and become more sensitive to subtler pleasures). Then it will be more fulfilling.

I really appreciate your thorough reports. We're all figuring this out together. I think it's particularly telling that your pattern of insatiability has increased of late. Highspeed porn is a new phenomenon and it's causing all kinds of unexpected patterns because the constant novelty is so stimulating.

 

Yes I had read about the chaser effect

I guess I thought it didn’t apply so much to actual sex in my case - since people who claimed to experience it usually say it hits them the next day, for several days. I suppose I didn't link it to my situation because of the immediacy of which I felt it.

Thank you for pointing that out, I'll have to re-read those sections and get a better handle on what's going on in my head.

It can be either

Low dopamine is associated both with apathy and with cravings (for more dopamine), and different people get "hit" different ways. That's why I find it so fascinating that the ancient Chinese worked all this out years ago. For them, sexual insatiability was a symptom of depletion, but in our culture guys naturally assume it means they have surplus sexual desire.

The recovery process suggests the Chinese were right. When guys who have been hooked quit, many experience a temporarily flatline while their brain reboots. For more: "Help! I quit porn, but my potency, genital size, and libido are decreasing" This shows they were really needing a break...even though they were feeling like they needed more and more stimulation. Another clue about the need for a timeout can be an inability ever to feel satisfied (exhaustion sets in first). Or satisfaction is fleeting and soon followed by intense cravings.