New Partner / having sex

Submitted by diamondsoul22 on
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I had sex for the first time about a week and a half ago - just short of my 30th birthday. The guy im with is a really good guy. He treats me well and we laugh ALOT together.

yesterday he said " promise to me that if we stay together we will still go out on dates". That got my attention. I was like "uh yea!!" and then we hi fived each other. We like to make out in his car much more than in his house. While in his car yesterday I told him i don't want to create a reputation in my neighborhood for being the "get a room couple" . And I told him he should get his car windows tinted (for privacy); He found that so hilarious for some reason. he said that I hit him right in his funny bone when i said that to him . We both find each other pretty funny. He said he has been wanting to correct me for a long time on how i say "Espresso". I say "Expresso" instead. I told him that him correcting me was the Virgo in him. He said that its very "ME" to use astrology to analyze his behavior.

Sometimes I do have some feelings of ambiguity about him but im trying to just allow them to be and not let them be a deciding factor - I think its related on some level to attraction - what turns me on - But I try to remind myself that you cant be in a state of pure bliss 24 hours a day with someone your with.

I feel like it may take some time before the sex gets good. I guess you can say we have been practicing Karezza because neither of us have become overly aroused or come the couple of times we have been together. We have tried the scissors position but I dont think its his favorite.

He definitely has a conventional view of sex but he has been more or less open minded about the information I have shared with him on karezza and tantra

His conventional understanding of sex influences what he looks for - like he wants to be hard the entire time we are having intercourse. Ive tried to explain to him that he doesnt have to have an erection to be inside of me

I don't really feel very much on the overall in my vagina when he is inside me - even when he's thrusting . He really enjoys it but i just feel tight and there isn't much sensation.

another thing ill add is that he is in the mood to have sex more than I am. I feel like I can more easily go without having sex while he is usually ready to go. Like this morning He was really aroused while I was totally comfortable and cozy just laying there in bed with him. We did eventually have intercourse this morning, which I guess was fine. I feel somewhat indifferent/ apathetic about it.

any suggestions on how to proceed to make the sex better ?

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Low sex drive and low sensation

this reminds me of how my wife is. Pretty much the same. I read her your post in fact. She isn’t that interested (at all) in improving though. You sound like you are though.

I can only speak as a man, and as a student of Karezza and extensive reading etc.

Focusing on sensation improves sensation. It takes awhile, but the brain finds more and more sensation during sex. It is a goal-seeking master of life, and it will serve you up more and more and more and more pleasure than you ever dreamed. Eventually.

The rewards are very very high. Just when you can’t believe how much you feel, it gets even better.

Every time isn’t like that. Sometimes it’s off the charts, other times it (sensation is what I’m talking about, sheer pleasurable feelings) is 100 times off the charts.

For women, there are two methods. One is to direct your attention on your breasts, from the inside. You can focus on them, feeling them inside, any time, all the time, as often as possible. Most women feel them never, and never really put their attention there. Diane Richardson taught this and that is where I learned it. Rachel who has been a long time member here practices it as far as I know.

Women are used to seeing their breasts in the mirror, but never feeling them. It’s just directing your attention within, and every time a thought intrudes, gently and non-judgmentally directing your attention back there. It’s the act of re-directing attention that actually is the magic.

During sex, you can feel his penis shooting energy into you and dwelling inside you, and circulating out of your breasts back into him.

The breasts are often a gateway to sensation for women.

Another way is to do this focus on your vagina. Do this all the time, when you are driving, or sitting around, or visiting with friends or with your boy friend.

When you practice this, you won’t experience anything as far as a feeling goes. But it works. When you cuddle or have sex, you will find it easy to direct your attention and with that, more and more feeling will emerge and with it great sexual pleasure.

Each time is different. And I think one of Diane Richardson’s stories really struck me. It was in surrendering to the “no feeling”, crying abou;t it, that she had a breakthrough. It is in the experiencing of whatever, the focus of attention on it, the desire to feel what is there to be felt regardless of where it takes you, that can result in a huge breakthrough.

Great suggestions from Emerson

It may be time for you two to play around with Richardson's book Tantric Orgasm for Women. It's good for "thawing out."

You and your sweetheart may enjoy this trailer to her film: Trailer - Slow Sex - How sex makes you happy

Oops...trailer is gone. You can see it in German here: https://vimeo.com/60888832

It's wonderful that you've found a willing partner with an open-ish mind. No need to rush things. Eventually things will click.

Great news

Nice to hear that you have found someone you enjoy being with. You sound really happy.

About not feeling much sexual pleasure... I don't know, I'm certainly not a woman... but it wouldn't hurt to try doing lots of Kegels during sex, as I described in my recent post "Motionless karezza". It would be a way to focus your attention on your vagina.

Pretty sure your boyfriend would enjoy it too! Smile

update

ok. so we decided to try having sex without a condom last night with the mutual agreement that he cant ejaculate in me. I feel like it makes a difference. plus now we can try soft entry and use a natural lube which i'm pretty happy about. With a condom we are always waiting for him to get hard and you can only use certain lubes . I want to experiment with soft entry and "starting from zero" as Diana Richardson puts it, because it can be a bit painful for me at first even if my boyfriend takes time trying to get me warmed up. He's wiling to lie in scissors with me for a while but then eventually he likes to start moving. I feel like this time was somewhat better than last. its still not enjoyable per se - I think he enjoys it alot more than me - but it was an improvement I think. With that said, I have been trying to bring attention and awareness to breasts/vagina. I guess it just takes time to get the hang of it ?

you can use condoms even if soft

there is a glue you can use, 

https://www.amazon.com/Stays-Roll-Body-Adhesive/dp/B06XRHGQB2

It Stays - and then the condom stays on even if the penis goes soft and then hard and then soft...

I hate condoms with a passion, but sometimes they are necessary so perhaps this may help someone else.

It is great to read about your explorations.

One thing that confuses me. Is it better to focus on your breasts or your vagina? I really don't know how to tell which is better, or if it makes a difference.

I suspect it is the same as with a male. For me, I focus on my perineum area, and with about a quarter of my attention I focus on my chest and the energy that comes out of my wife's breasts circulating into me.

Sometimes it seems that my penis reaches up into her whole body and projects out of her breasts to my chest and back into my body. 

So I guess it's both...

Here is something that may help. People get discouraged because they feel their attention keeps wandering. But it is the very ACT of your attention wandering, and GENTLY bringing it back, that is the true meditation where you get the benefit. It is SUPPOSED to be that way, where your attention wanders...and goodness knows with sex there is SO much that gets our attention.

Personally I do not like scissors as it is not active enough. I love the activity of sex, and so we practice a "hot" karezza (without getting too close to orgasm)...I am more the initiator and she is the receiver and I like movement...I also like stillness but more between courses rather than as the main course...