Self Love

Submitted by diamondsoul22 on
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Can't sleep, so I'm up doing affirmations in the mirror. Maybe my inner child is craving attention and that's what I have so much energy at night

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Self Love

Hi Diamond,

That's interesting.

I've been doing affirmations in the mirror combined with EFT for quite a while now and they seem to help. Recently, after visiting my naturopath who suggested that a good objective for me would be "sexy guy" to which I strongly disagreed, I searched for a better one. I came up with "Loving and Lovable". Like you, I have a strong craving to feel loved (which undoubtedly has its roots in childhood bonding trauma). Loving isn't so difficult for me. So I included "I am Loved. All is well" in my affirmations. It seemed to help.

It's starting to make sense now too. Now I see most of what happens to me as efforts of existence to help me to see my attachments and become more familiar with the eternal "me" (witnessing consciousness) that can never be unsafe.

I don't struggle with sleeplessness, but I do struggle with stress. I hope this helps.

Sincerely,

"Arnold"

Inner child

I'm happy to say that I'm connecting more and more with what I now know to be my inner child - actually more like my inner 1 year old or newborn. it's like raising a child from the moment they are first born. It's like undoing everything in my brain and rewiring it all over again. All the self help books are beggining to click.

When I thought about doing my to do list today which I'm not enthusiastic about another thought occurred to me : "you are my number one priority; as long as your taken care of everything else will fall into place" my mint plant and my friend and my career searching aren't as important as this newborn child. I'm rocking myself and singing the sh sh sh song. When my neice was an infant I discovered early on that the only thing that could calm her down when she became a cranky monster was to sing the sh sh sh song. and before I knew it she would be smiling- it always did the trick.

important insight.

I've been doing Alot of affirmations lately. I was sitting on the sofa giving myself a hug and I started to affirm repeatedly "my father loved me in the best way that he knew how". When i look back into my memories to in an effort to validate this affirmation, i realize that him loving me in the best way he knew how when I was young meant giving me a gift or money when he would come and visit me and my brother.

It occurred to me in an insite while repeating this affirmation that the owner of the restaurant that I previously dated had what I would consider to be an unusually large amount of money - i think he might have been an exagerated version of my father.

i mentioned that the owners would often times give me discounts when I went to eat there. lately since I've gone there these past couple of months - and after the fact that i stopped dating the younger owner, i decided that getting discounts (them paying for my food) would assure me that they still "loved me" and of course I've had to pay for my meals now. So I decided that it meant that they liked me less or Didnt like me anymore. Perhaps they like me just as much as they did before even though I stopped dating one of the owners

Still going strong in my self

Still going strong in my self care practices. Hugging myself figures prominently into this practice. Sometimes imaging I am hugging a small child helps. Still maintaining communication with my inner child. It must be about three months now since I feel the urge to numb out with sexual fantasy and masturbation. Ive been juicing for the last month, therapy is going well, and I'm moving to a wonderful knew location close to the city very soon.
I think that being aware of my inner reality and honoring my reality by having healthy boundaries and expressing my needs is one of the most challenging parts if the inner work that I need to do but I'm working on it.....

Yay!

Thanks for checking in. I hope your new location acts like a "skin shed," and that you let the new you shine!

Channeling sexual energy

I have a book that I pulled out today of my closet by an author whose story had really inspired me. This particular book, would probably be classified by most as erotica. I think that the line that separates books stories and photographs that shed light on the beauty and potential of sexuality from material that exploits and degrades the sexual act can feel very blurry at times because they both have the potential to be triggering. What is the difference between feeling triggered by sexuality and feeling awake to your sexuality ?? Does it come down to whether you can consciously direct your urges? I think for the most part I avoid sexual feelings because I fear that they are going to trigger more PMO cycles. Tonight as I was flipping through this particular book a rush if sexual feelings came over me like a hunger. And with it came a great feeling of loneliness and just a longing to express and embrace my sexuality which once again I often feel like I must repress I order to keep myself from getting on the dopamine roller coaster. I thought I was maybe gonna be at the bottom of the roller coaster by the end of this episode, but with the intention of experiencing my sexuality in a way that affirms my life, I made every conscious effort I could this time to stabilize this energy by focusing on the more stable and loving sensations in my breasts rather than fanning the flames. I think it's fair it say I succeeded. I just spent a really long time giving attention to my breasts. It was still very pleasurable but I could feel a more nurturing and loving energy within the physical sensations. I think that the self hugging practice that I have maintained over the course of the past couple of months has helped me to get in touch with the energy of my breasts or heart energy more than I realized because I realize that simulating and focusing on my breasts doesn't really feel that different from hugging myself. Since Having stopped consciously stimulating my breasts I have used the surplus of energy to hug and myself and rock myself. I can feel the intention to love myself more strongly behind these hugs .

The difference

Hi DiamondSoul,

"What is the difference between feeling triggered by sexuality and feeling awake to your sexuality ?? Does it come down to whether you can consciously direct your urges?"

In my mind, it comes down to what the sexualized activity is doing for you. Is it serving fear, anger, or anxiety or does it serve Love (and healing)?

I've noticed that when I'm frightened, the urge to pursue sexualized imagery and masturbation can be strong. Often its right on the heels of something I've done for myself that is profoundly freeing. It's almost like my mind freaks out at the possibility of being free of past trauma and tries to dump energy somehow. Once I recognize what's happening and allow it to take it's course, it usually passes and the deeper change starts to slowly integrate.

I've been doing alot of work with mantras recently in addition to the affirmations and EFT I use. I'm finding them to be quite powerful. Deva Premal and Miten had another of their on-line mantra journeys recently. The ones I use tend to be centered on healing and trusting life. There is one I've learned that is about blessing children and can be used for blessing your inner child. If you are interested let me know and I'll describe them in more detail.

Congratulations on all your inner healing work! It sounds like you are making great progress.

Sincerely,

"Arnold"

Part of what you're learning

is how to trust your own instincts. Most of us learn that by trial and error...and we integrate it best that way. So be gentle with yourself and keep inching your way through as these issues come up. You're doing well.

It's been quite a busy couple

It's been quite a busy couple of months

I slipped back into my old habits of Pmo and fantasy lately / like for the past 2 months. although one good change I notice is that I'm treating myself kinder afterword and trying my best to avoid putting myself down.

Moved into my new apt at the beginning of month.

Have still be seeing the same therapist all along. I'm about to start group therapy with her too

I just recently opened up to her about my masturbation habit.

Just trying to find the right balance for myself

And hopefully form new healthy attachments to worthwhile people Smile

Some of my explorations.

Hi Diamond,

I'm wondering if some of the healing work I'm doing has parallels with yours. It's been busy for me too. The driver for me is physical health. It's a powerful motivator!

I've found a couple of things related to masturbation and the urge to view porn. For me, the urge to view porn is usually associated with fear and often connected to my mother (opposite sex parent who sexualized her connection with me in my youth). Once I've identified the fear, the urge usually goes away. More recently, I've been fantasizing about women I've met. These women are generally much younger than I and powerfully attractive (really nice people, beautiful physically, and have a very warm loving energy to them). When I allow the fantasy to take it's course (both in bed and out) I realize that it contains the problems I've experienced in the past (great sex, little input from her, feeling of withdrawal and disconnection emotionally afterwards). It's helping me see through the illusion that this is "Love" and noticing that it is much more likely just plain old lust (and longing for the nurturing I never got in my early youth from my mother). Finding out whether these women share my interest in a healing approach to intimacy and searching for sources of non-sexual touch (see my comment under: http://www.reuniting.info/science/asexuality) seem to help.

There's a website for covert incest that has helped me a great deal recently (see:http://blogs.psychcentral.com/sex/2014/07/childhood-covert-incest-and-ad...). The two books mentioned on it: "Silently Seduced" and "Emotional Incest Syndrome" have been quite helpful to me.

I hope this helps.

Sincerely,

"Arnold"