Summer update

Submitted by diamondsoul22 on
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Just thought I would drop by and say hi and give an update.

Been feeling pretty good lately. eating healthy, hanging out by pool and meditating.

I drove three hours to a neighboring city to attend a workshop on how to be more present in the body and make decisions based on how the body feels. It incorporated some EFT (tapping).

I also attended a cuddle party. Everybody was nice, yet i felt somewhat put off and I didn't feel like i quite fit in with the crowd...maybe because of the large age gap between myself and most of the members. I did however recieve a foot massage from a massage therapist while there. i

even though my experience wasnt what i hoped it would be, i do really appreciate the whole concept if cuddle party very much and would love to give it another try if I could find another one.

Comments

Just wanted to stop by and

Just wanted to stop by and say hi. Feeling somewhat lonely and down tonight. I met another guy (another neighbor) It seemed as though we hit it off when we met, but we were on bad terms by the end of the first "date".
....... I know I need to shift something. Obviously. Maybe on some level I've built and identity upon being alone. I want recognition. I want somebody to notice that I'm all alone. That I have no relationship with any of my family. That I have no solid relationships period with the exception of my roomate at the moment. I want attention because of this yet at the same time I feel ashamed of this fact and I feel like its a testimony in some way to not being loveable.

I'm just self trying to self analyze right now and be honest. Maybe I'm comfortable being alone despite how lonley it is? Idk.

Maybe I'm not ready to make a breakthrough in my life.....

I had an insight.... don't

I had an insight.... don't know how much this could be affecting my dating experiences, but I wonder if I am not/ or am on some level resisting embracing my feminine energy. And I know this also is affected by my relationship with "God".

I think because I don't

I think because I don't really trust in God. And i feel Angry at God in someway. God is something unstable... Something That you can't rely on. So naturally im resistant to trusting, surrendering, yielding, being receptive ect - which are more feminine qualities

the god that I resist is distinctly masculine in my mind. I haven't quite made peace with this masculine - And i would go as far to say Christian/western - God. And I'm sure this Image of god is somehow tied in to the experience I had of my father.

I can do as much yoga and chanting as I want, but if I can't accept and trust god compleltly, then maybe it's blocking me from being fully myself

No I don't think this guy was

No I don't think this guy was coming on too strong.

I'm still trying to figure out why this went sour

I think we were not fully ourselves, and also there was a lack of clarity as to what the intention was behind our interaction.

I felt myself becoming touchy, sensitive and resistant over some of his actions and behaviors during our interactions and it caused in me a strong emotional reaction that escalated things further, or rather, caused us to retreat from oneanother. By the end of the ordeal I was feeling indifferent - like my amigdyla had put up a steal wall between us.

I'm not sure honestly. I feel

I'm not sure honestly. I feel like I'm in a place where I'm to easily inclined to blame him or myself. I'm just not in a clear place in my mind. It feels like I've got brain worms. It seems easier to ignore the whole thing. I feel like I'd be coming at him from a place of need rather than true understanding.

I understand what you're saying

Any chance of socializing with new people? Improve your odds...even as you continue learning how to handle those attachment scars.

You might find some good tips at a 12-step meeting for sex and love addiction. I know that's not your issue, but attachment challenges are a big part of coping with that challenge I think. Good tips are good tips, and you might make some new friends you can really talk with.

Thank you Marnia for your

Thank you Marnia for your suggestions. And for being understanding. That sounds like a great idea I'll have to research to see if they have meetings in my area. In the mean time, I found an organic co op in my area that is volunteer based that I'm trying to participate in when I have time. And my phenomenal roomate....who is so comforting to be around

Just had an insight about my

Just had an insight about my behavior during date. We went to the mall and as he was asking me what he should get his mom for her birthday I felt like I was a kid again and my needs were being overlooked. I wanted him to take care of me and as irrational as it sounds ( I was in an emotional state) I felt like I wanted him to buy me something. Or rather I felt so small because his full attention wasn't on me. It was just to much to handle. I was in a receiving place or a give me place rather.

I was really frustrated when he asked me if I wouldn't mind driving ( he doesn't have a car here) and he wanted to go the mall and look for a pair of sneakers. It made me feel used on some level and like the attention wasn't fully on me

Even though, objectively speaking, i dont think its the sexiest thing to do to have a woman drive you to the mall so you can look for a pair of sneakers....Then again, I could be subjectively speaking, because theres a great probability that he didnt look at it that way - he actually told me that he did not intend it the way I saw it) nevertheless, his actions were activating some of my emotional wounds from the past.

Basically I was so resistant to his behaviors. I just could not see any other way. His behaviors did not conform to my expectations and my mind just could not handle it. His actions triggered me like clockwork

I wonder in what way I might have hurt him as well. I know he is a good guy but we were clearly activating each others painbody's ( emotional wounds )

I guess there are at least two ways of

looking at dates. One is formal courtship, which is what you were craving. The other is "doesn't matter what we do because the point is to get to know each other better. A low-key activity with a purpose (which tends to make conversation more natural and less strained) is just as good as anything else."

I wouldn't say either is wrong, but both people need to be able to switch gears to end up on the same page (to mix my metaphors Wink ).

There are men who have learned to enjoy courtship. Keep your eyes open. Give rose

I have a feeling that in my

I have a feeling that in my interactions with men, they're behaviors may fit me like perfect puzzle peices when it comes to pushing my subconscious emotional buttons/ triggering my past pain patterns. Or perhaps all encounters with men will......this is just an observation that I've come to while sitting here trying to deal with some of the more difficult emotions in the healthiest way I know how.

I relaize that a lot of these

I relaize that a lot of these strong emotions have a lot to do with my father neglecting to be a father in my life and I'm having trouble forgiving him. It was his responsibility to be there for me. Although I have trouble fully accepting it, it is not anybody else's responsibility to "show up". It's their choice

Dear,

Dear,
Even though its very hurtful not having heard from you, I know that your intentions are good at heart. It is nevertheless causing me alot of pain and anger that I feel justified in having and I'm feeling very resistant to seeing you as anything but the enemy. I don't want to push you or anybody else away but can you accept that I'm in pain. I know that you trying to work around my emotional needs wouldn't necesarily make this situation better or our connection better, but can you just accept with me that this is what I'm feeling without feeling the need to do anything but allow me to feel what I need to feel. It doesn't have anything to do with you

As you strengthen your ability

to regulate your emotions, I think you'll feel less dependent on others to do so. Then you'll be able to enjoy interactions "for what they are" and not what you wish they were.

That said, a longing for healthy intimacy is certainly not unhealthy in itself.

Sounds like you're working it all out, painful as it is.

For what its worth

I certainly experience very similar emotional reactions to yours in a great many social situations. My need is a little more specific than yours. It's the need of a newborn to be held with love. I can't tell you how many times I've run into walls around that one and been triggered by it being ignored. The anger in me can be intense and tends to generalize to all people. Since the need is so taboo in my birth family, the human culture that surrounds me and the communities to which I have access, it gets suppressed and turns on me and my body. The odd massage session and the many self healing practices I do are about the only relief I get. The cost to my health, however, has been huge.

Not sure if this is helpful to you or not, perhaps knowing that you are not alone in this and that some men struggle with a similar experience to yours is helpful. I hope you continue to find a way to work your way through it and heal yourself. If you like, I'll include you in the dedication to the chanting I do every day (one of my self-healing practices). Let me know if you would like that.

Sincerely,

"Arnold"

Hi Arnold,

Hi Arnold,

Thank you for taking the time to comment. I appreciate you reaching out.

I feel similar about being triggered into a strong emotional reaction when my emotional needs are not met. I find these feelings to be most intense during encounterd with the opposite sex, although on the overall I can say now with certainty after some reflection, that most of my relationships have functioned like this

Mostly I think that I just carry alot of anger and I want to blame somebody for what has transpired in my life. And I'm resistant to letting go of my anger.

Sure, if you could include me in your dedication when you chant that would be great. That is awfully nice of you to extend that offer

Wishing you well

Diamond

Is it that you want to blame

Is it that you want to blame somebody or that you just don't want to feel the anger? Not fully conscious anger/emotion is supposedly a source of many psychosomatically controlled maladies. Have you tried journaling reagrding your anger?

You are welcome

I'll include you in the dedication and pray for healing for us both.

Anger doesn't seem to be the fundamental emotion in me. It just seems to be the one that I feel safest expressing and feeling. Perhaps it's because I'm a man. Under it, is a great deal of pain. That has been much harder for me to feel. It seems to be surfacing these days.

I wish you well too.

Sincerely,

"Arnold"

Update

Hi Diamondsoul22,

This has been quite interesting and surprising for me. As I started chanting with my new dedication in mind, the floodgates just seemed to open and my tears just poured out! That's unusual for me. It's also unusual for me to know a woman who is actively seeking to heal her anger. It's not that I don't experience angry women. I run into them all the time. It's just that most of them hide it well and the one's that don't blame their anger on men. In that environment, I don't feel safe at all. Supporting you as you heal, seems to help me relax and allows my deeper feelings to emerge. Thanks for the opportunity. It's very healing for me.

At one point during my chanting session, I started broadening my wish to all women who are struggling with anger and wanting to heal, I also included all men who as boys were hurt like me. It seemed to deepen the feeling. I'm curious where this will lead.

Sincerely,

"Arnold"

Hi Arnold,

Hi Arnold,

Thanks so much for including me in your dedication. And I'm so glad that its helping you to deepen your meditation :-). And I Hope that you continue to feel the healing effects Smile

I attended a slaa meeting

I attended a slaa meeting last week and the week before....just to check it out and see what it was about. the one last week was a meeting focused on those who are "avoident" and I did feel more comfortable in that meeting. I didn't share very much but just listened. It was a little weird for me - kinda the way that going to church is weird for me - I'm suspicious of whether this is just is some collective practice of self deception or a pseudo identity With that said, there is a possibility I may go back to another meeting.

People say

that different meetings are very different in character, so you may want to try a few.

Good job giving it a try, whatever you decide to do.