Desiring desire?

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I said that there was something wrong. That she shouldn't be having sex with me and not getting aroused. It was either hormonal (which I doubt) or it was me, perhaps, and I understood that and want to change so I am no longer a source of pressure and defensiveness.

Sparkles told me that she resented my not involving her at the outset when I decided not to have orgasms. Why didn't I consult with her? Truthfully she said she may not have thought it was a good idea. But she resented my not asking her and she feels she has to assert her individuality and be her own person and make her own decisions.

This is a breakthrough for us. It's good communication and important.

She said she'll read one of the Richardson books now and she said she can't promise anything but that she'll try.

I said that being interested in improvements in her sex drive and sexual enjoyment, just feeling like she desires more desire, is important. And she said it is.

Added:

At night she read some of Richardson's Tantric Orgasm for Women and we discussed breasts at length. I read her a few of Rachel's excellent posts and she was very interested. She said that it was true, that she had a defensive reaction and feels a bit nauseated when I touch her breasts but not when she touches her own breasts.

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That's great! My thoughts

That's great! My thoughts today were all about how achieving what we want mostly comes down to 'faith in the possibility" and "willingness to make it happen". I spent the day testing that theory (I worked alone doing the kind of work that allows me to philosophize, so I had lots of time) against all kinds of projects I've done and every relationship I've had and it seems to fit well! What seems to have always given me so much anguish in my life is forgetting that the other person (that I work with or am in relationship with) might not share the same 'faith' I have and that my immense will can't overcome the lack of will in another.

If she doesn't believe she can have a libido, then she's kinda stuck. But if she reads those books, sees some new possibilities and that belief changes, then maybe that will drive her willingness to make it happen. She obviously shares your will to stay in your relationship, that sure goes a long ways.

I am very lucky

We are totally committed to each other. That goes a very long way. I think these tough times can lead to big breakthroughs.

Faith in the possibility is all I am really asking and I think something happened and a light bulb went on tonight. I have to constantly remember that everyone has a different way than I do and a different pace. I'm becoming a better manager of my business interests as a result. And hopefully a better relationship with my partner.

Thank you Hotspring

It is I who is truly lucky. I have really found myself completely toning things down. Just loving her as she is. And she is amazing. This has made me far more relaxed.

I turned her down for sex last night because my penis didn't think she was into it. Today we had wonderful sex and what was neat is that I am really accepting her seeing her true nature and not trying to fight what is or create an imaginary ideal and compare what I see and experience to that imaginary ideal. It feels wonderful being in reality again.

These past few months there has been a lot of angst on my part from not doing this, and it all fell into place. And I think one reason it did was reading two of your recent posts and absorbing them.

So I thank you from my heart.

Yes, learning to work with

Yes, learning to work with what is is the start. I get lessons in that every day in the intentional community I live in. Ideals are not so helpful. I am constantly having to balance my idealism with developing skills of presence. What I've learned is that the universe/spirit always has it right. There is some alchemy that happens when we develop skills of presence, mixed with a deep attunement and recognition of our true desires (not our superficial ones), mixed with gratitude, mixed with trust. A recipe for manifesting a truly delightful life! And still, Spirit/Source will always be able to show us and provide for us, in that process, something or someone that exceeds our own imagination of our highest ideal. For example, my husband meets all of my ideals, but also exceeds them. And that is why I love him so: not because he is exactly what I want and need, but because he is so much more amazing than any man I could have dreamed up. He constantly astonishes me in who he is, how he meets me in ways I didn't even know I needed meeting. In short, he is totally himself, and this alone is a miracle. To share my life with him is the deepest honor. And it only stays rich through gratitude.

I appreciate having a place here where I can remind myself of that.
Heartfelt gratitude to you too, and all who are walking this path.