Quick recap: I've been on this adventure since the middle of December.
Since then, no porn, no masturbation and no orgasms for me at all.
At first I was very needy and my partner and I had to work out this new way of living. I was so afraid of not getting enough sex.
It's smoothed out quite a bit. I'm not needy anymore. And she comes to me for comfort on her own and we sometimes have sex and we sometimes don't. We had sex four days in a row and none for a few days. We're really in sync now and I know what that means now.
Here's something that really changed. I can feel her responding in her vagina now when I'm inside her. I can feel the energy coming out of her breasts. We do kind of a dance during intercourse that is just so sweet and wonderful.
She doesn't have a strong sex drive like I do but she enjoys our sex too more now. She is still defensive about her breasts but that is slowly changing. I read Richardson's female orgasm book to her last night (she let me do that) and she is sort of getting the whole thing and how it will benefit her as she feels more sensation and enjoys sex. I think she enjoys cuddling with me more than sex but that is slowly changing.
I'm thrilled beyond words because my life is so wonderful in this space. I'm grateful for everything I have and have amazing feelings for her and for life. It's really impossible to put into words but it is sublime.
If I do have an orgasm I'm not going to fret about it. But I don't want one. I love these feelings I always have now. They don't come and go but they do sometimes increase or diminish a bit in intensity. I find edging without intercourse over a few days will interfere with them so now I avoid that.
As far as my penis is concerned:
Sometimes she kisses me and I get hard immediately. Sometimes we cuddle and I don't get hard at all. I always tend to be quite drippy with precum these days even if I don't get erect.
The greatest thing is my feelings for her but the second greatest thing is that I don't worry about my erections much anymore.
Interestingly: when I'm really hard, and I enter her, I get less hard and my penis does feel more snake like and more porous. And I feel her vagina responding. It's totally cool. The point is, that my penis doesn't like a full on really hard erection when I'm in her. But I last as long as she wants me to.
We don't have intercourse for a long time, maybe 10 to 20 minutes. I would go longer but she isn't quite there yet. But I'm always happy when I roll off of her and we cuddle because that's what she wants. She wants to get on with her day or go to sleep. I think as her arousal wakes up, she'll be more lubricating internally (she isn't that wet most of the time now) and she'll want to go for longer.
One thing that remains a growth area for us is when she is on top. It's weird because when I'm on top my feelings are amazing, then when she's on top I feel nothing in my genitals.
I think it's because she isn't into it the way she was when we were focusing on orgasms. Then when she was on top she'd be really into it and often orgasm but without that as a goal I guess she doesn't know what she wants to do and my penis senses that. She hasn't found her passion in that sense.
I'm sure this will all work itself out. I think she got messages in her life that sex was okay but nothing all that great, and these messages will come unraveled in their own time.
I'm more in love with her than ever and I tell her and show her that all the time. I always have loved her but the feelings are so much greater now and I love that and couldn't be happier.