"I knew you wanted to do it"

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Submitted by emerson on
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My wife loves me very much. Tonight we were laying down and she was tired, I could tell. And she started to stroke me and then said, do I want to come in? So I did. For a bit. Maybe 10 or 15 minutes. And then I stopped.

I asked her if she had enjoyed it. And she was honest, bless her heart. She said she wasn't really in the mood. I am always grateful for her honesty. I asked her why she invited me in. She said she knew I wanted to.

That's all there is to this story. While it would be nice if she really enjoyed sex she still doesn't seem to really enjoy it that much. I could tell during the sex, of course. It was a loving thing to do on her part but it isn't a great joy for me either, of course.

I've been careful not to pressure her at all last few weeks. I wish I could tell you that I've been perfect but I did ask her if she wanted to have sex yesterday and she shrugged and so we didn't. Today she offered which was nice. I wasn't in any way pressing her. I think she perceived that I wanted sex, which wasn't that difficult and something I don't hide. I was kind of stressing out inside, it's been three days. Funny, before this, we would have sex almost entirely on weekends, and now I miss it if it isn't every other day.

My actual machinery works very well these days. Erections happen quickly and last a long time, compared to the old porn days. I'm pretty much always ready.

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yeah

I've done that a number of times. "Do you really feel like it?" and we discern, No.

But didn't feel like that tonight.

It's called, to my mind, looking a gift horse in the mouth. I felt like sex tonight and she read my mind even though she didn't really want to. I can't say it wasn't pleasant. It was. Not great. Would I rather not have done it at all? No.

Consider not discerning for

Consider not discerning for her or with her. I see two prongs. Either she's responsible for what she offers or you only comply when she really wants it (and then she's responsible). Do you know why she's not willing to be responsible for her wants and is deferring to yours?

Perhaps looking a gift horse in the mouth isn't the strategy that will get you where you want to go. The fact that sex was pleasant might be beside the point given that you're clearly not as happy as you want to be with things repeatedly going this way.

One question...

You say that you are not pressurising her to have sex, you also say that you don't hide the fact that you want it... Which are you doing? Given that your wife loves you and wants you to be happy then you being blatant about wanting sex is surely putting pressure on her?

I get that it is incredibly difficult for you not to do so, but I feel like having sex with her when she doesn't really fancy it, and you know that, is just reinforcing her belief that she does not like sex... I'm maybe being a bit hardline here. I've got serious health problems which make my sex life a whole lot more complicated and I've had some pretty unpleasant experiences, but also some truly amazing ones. It all depends, for me, whether I really want it, whether my body is in a position to recieve or whether I am merely enduring it for the sake of someone else.

My thoughts are that you should focus on other types of bonding, which don't carry the same kinds of pressure - massage maybe, or any of the many activities suggested in Cupid, or invent some of your own - and try to only have sex when she is truly enjoying it.

I hope she does grow to enjoy it more

I don't regret having sex with her. She offered and she wanted to make me happy. I do things for her because it makes me happy to make her happy, so I assume she got some enjoyment out of making me happy. If I am unhappy about that, then we both lose.

But I do want her to feel good about having sex.

I spoke to her yesterday about arousal. And she said she isn't much interested.

I think I just have to back off and just keep things going and let them take their course.

 

 

Hmmmm

Has she always had a low libido, or has it happened as she has aged? Is she taking any medications? High estrogen / low testosterone can cause low libido.

Quizure

If she's willing, there's help.

If it's lower since menopause, then bio-identifical hormones can help.  They've helped me a lot.   And bio-identical creams are what I'm talking about, not any of the scary pills that the regular medical profession hands out.  Balancing estrogen, progesterone, testosterone and DHEA/DHA are all very important to a number of things, including bone health, as we age.  

 

Quizure

she had done the progesterone cream

bio identical. But I have read that there is a lot of evidence they don't increase the body's supply of progesterone although they do appear in the saliva. Dunno. We were following the John Lee protocol but there seems to be evidence that it doesn't really work.

She stopped using that cream a few years ago. Not sure it did anything to be honest. She still has hot flashes regardless. I think women ought to have a libido even at menopause. Hers wasn't high but she says she doesn't really feel like she has much of one at all now.

Thing is she says she doesn't care about it. I think that is a reaction to where I'm at and our circumstances and in the fullness of time that will change. We do have sex quite often compared to what we used to. I'm not sure she used to enjoy it all that much either in recent times, before Karezza, and she says she often did it because I wanted it and to keep things in our marriage going.