I can sense that I'm killing desire.
And I'm coming to a conclusion about the whole thing.
I'm trying to get her turned on, worrying about my erections, all this nonsense that I thought I got over a long time ago. I'm stressing out about it. So what I need to work on is not working on this.
I feel clearly that I've been very dopamine driven over the past few weeks. It's from months and months of wanting to be desired, pressing myself on her, and her pushing back quietly in her feminine way.
And further, what I see is that a marriage in this type of situation needs the opposite of what was happening previously. I was a source of pressure, so now I let go. I really, really saw today clearly how terrible this state of affairs is when I run this thing with my guy "fix it" mindset. I've said that lots of times in this journey of course, and it is the obvious truth that needs reinforcement.
I think this "opposites" thing is helpful. Louie is right, a man needs to figure out how NOT to make his sexual life the reason for his happiness or non-happiness.
My wife is quite willing to have sex with me and is trying hard to relax, if that makes sense. But I'm making way too big a deal out of the whole thing. How awful for her and for me.
So I'll stop.