She has no libido - what to do

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Submitted by emerson on
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If you've read my blog you know that my partner is low libido and we've been having a lot of Karezza sex. Up until a week ago.

Then I just got tired of it. She hasn't been really into it all this time. She has kind of put up with it, I would say, without any real enthusiasm or interest. So I said I wasn't interested in that path anymore.

We've had some discussions since then and a few times we've had intercourse. It's like I'm trying to "fix" her and she's extremely defensive, obviously. 

When we cuddle, I end up trying to get her aroused, which of course makes her more defensive. Duh.

Don't know what to do. This is a biggie for me.

I'm a guy who's very much a problem solver. She has to want to fix this problem, in my humble opinion. I suppose that makes me very pushy but I just don't know what to do.

I am trying to get her to try Daedone's Slow Sex just to get her in touch with sensations. Everything I suggest or do is an attack on her at this point.

I feel that this kind of God's plan for me, if you want to put it that way. I was not happy with our sexual life and got onto Karezza without asking or consulting my partner. She was perfectly happy just going along before as we had, and then I mucked it up. I wouldn't take that back for anything though. So now, the plan is, for me to figure this out. It's my problem really, not hers. But I don't really feel like having sex with her and experiencing incredible pleasure and she doesn't experience much of anything.

She says I always knew she didn't have a high drive, and that is so. But that doesn't mean she can't experience pleasure when we have sex. 

Am I off my rocker here? Is this just a matter of being more patient? Am I being a jerk here?

Honestly, this is such an issue for me that I wouldn't want to stay married if this is how it is going to be. I didn't say that, but she knows it. I have no interest in having a marriage with little or no sex. It is very, very important to me. And I don't want to have sex with someone who isn't into it either. Screw that.

We agreed to schedule sex three times this week. I would really love to hear any ideas you have or suggestions. 

 

 

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Well

Im the last person to be suggesting much to you mate, you being my mentor and all. But our spouses share this lower libido thing to a degree, so ill give you my rambling train of thoughts on it, as it stands just now.

Firstly theres the degree to which we make this thing a 'self improvement' program to use your words. My beloved isnt really the kind to aspire to much more than some basic material dreams. But she does have some little women's daily wisdom/meditation books that she sometimes draws on when she's stressed. And lately she does seem to appreciate how better breathing, body awareness, bonding and connecting improve our lives and relationship. But she badly needs to get some exercise into her life, and get her junk food diet tamed.

On the diet front, i wonder to myself how my increased meat intake as a result of this paleo/blood group/Price thing ive got into the last couple of years effects my libido. How do we go about defining a baseline for "normal" libido? Is hers too low or is yours too high? That is the question. Some sources say high meat eating increases libido. She prefers pasta and cheese.

During my first reboot, i so really enjoyed the flatline libido mini death. It was like a holiday from constant nagging cravings. Now (back up to day 12 or so), I still have lots of these cravings and to be honest they are slightly annoying, certainly distracting. So high libido=good? Not sure on that one.

Lastly the pleasure factor. The Daryl/KevinJ hypothesis. That karezza should be pleasurable. Now while i dont have anywhere near the combined experience of those two wonderful guys, not by a long shot, but at the moment approaching our karezza sessions with pleasure in mind would only be a recipe for lots of frustration for me. I consider myself lucky that she just lets me in.

But i notice that its certainly a theme in your writing that the pleasure is a big factor for you, and i wonder how reframing that thought somehow might be a lever for some movement for the two of you. Changing the objective somehow?

Certainly the connection for connection sake, the meditation component of the karezza definition, is something that i feel is worth pursuing. At least it is bringing quite some personal healing to me, but maybe because im more screwed up than average :)

thanks TH

I think you are on to something. I was hoping that posting this would bring some new perspective and you have provided some for sure. The pleasure objective might be confining me. It has been hugely pleasurable but there's always this nagging feeling that "not for her however" and that's what precipitated my talk with her and this kind of difficult period.

Her diet (and mine) are pretty good and we both exercise and have a healthy lifestyle really. No soft drinks, good food, no nasty soy products, etc. I read a book last night be a physician about women and libido and I don't identify any issues that I could recognize and say "not enough testosterone" or anything either.

She doesn't have the sensations or the attention to them, or really seem to care about them.

The truth is that I have made this a project and that is not good, not good at all. I need to stop and appreciate her the way I was doing for those months and not try to "work on her". That's lunacy. It's myself that I need to work on, and even that is lunatic :)

Thanks mate, I really appreciate it.

 

Good advice

You are so right. That is a recipe that works every time. Us guys need to do more of that stuff cause it works. Give it a try Emerson, you might be surprised!

Scheduling

All I can think of suggesting is that whatever schedule you agree to, you also agree to take turns deciding what actually occurs. 

This gives your wife an equal chance to do things her way.

This made a huge difference for us. Even though - or perhaps because - what happened wasn't always what I wanted, 

thanks for your comments

@infinity...thanks for your thoughts. Affection, romantic gestures, dates, yes. Check. For sure. Our marriage is really strong except in this one area and I suppose it is strong even then if I realign what I "expect". I don't forget any of the things you mentioned as it's how I feel and I show it all the time. And so does she. 

@sood...we did agree on a schedule. Thanks for the tip about "get what you want when it's your turn" idea.

Last night we had gone out and had a good time and I think Treehouse's observation about expectations really made a difference in my thinking. Honestly, I think I've succombed to comparing myself to some imagined possibility (insane) instead of loving what I really have (fantastic).

We had our first scheduled sex ever really. And it was super awesome, about 60 minutes and she said she felt more than she had at other times, which is in the right direction. I know she really enjoyed it. And she acknowledged wanting me in her way.

(I also experienced a kind of valley orgasm thing when in scissors, which I had never experienced before, but that's another post sometime, although it's somewhat relevant here...it was INCREDIBLE for me, this time, way beyond any other time...and I wasn't even erect at the time, just a little inside her...)

I think this is the beginning of a great new phase in all this. I think that it is turning out to be exactly what should happen and I'm glad that it's going in this direction. I'm glad I didn't just continue on the same path. That was good for awhile but then it wasn't good anymore.

Your comments and thoughts are super helpful. I wasn't going to post on this separately as I think I've posted a few of my complaints in other threads, but I wanted to be super honest and figure things out and you've help me do that.

Celebrate

I celebrate your ability to be vulnerable. With us guys its just always so much im ok, im tough, suck it up. However it seems that when im gutted back to the bare metal, i find peace, and answers.

infinity, sood, these are always great reminders for all of us, even us old timers, thanks!

This also happened to me..

This also happened to me.. trying karrezza. She did it because I wanted to.. the issue i had though was that I could've convinced her that it was the WAY if we didn't have to use a condom.. that kind of killed it. the one time we had karrezza without a condom we both just about died of intense pleasure.

anyway now we are not together, but still in contact.. was your wife on birth control ever? (or currently)? that killed my ex's libido when she started up.

very sorry to hear your story there

My wife was never on birth control. We used to use condoms. I hated them. I think it is possible to do Karezza with condoms. You have to be willing to sometimes withdraw and put on a new condom if you've gone a bit soft. But it can be done and it's what I would do if I wasn't in the situation where we don't need condoms.