so what have you learned this year?

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Submitted by emerson on
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I'd love to know what you've learned this year, especially if you've been practicing Karezza for some time.

I'm still learning all the time. Our sex life is great, very stable. Very enjoyable on all fronts. It is better than ever.

I am still figuring out how not to come when I don't want to. It doesn't occur that often, but more than I would like. I'd prefer not to come at all. 

I have never "solved" the "low drive" on my wife's part, but it doesn't really matter. We have a lot of sex and it's very pleasurable and we have a wonderful life.

What about you? What have you learned this year?



One Thing I Have Learned

Our 'Yoga Chair/Sofa' is little used; Karezza in bed works perfectly well for us.

The Yoga Chair readily enables fun things -- e.g., alternate positions, better thrusting, better penetration, better visibility -- but those are the things I actually need to avoid, as they more often than not result in me having another bout of inadvertent ejaculation.

So, our Yoga Chair sits out in the garage, hidden under a blanket. I cannot leave it in our bedroom when the kids are home, as they might figure out what it REALLY is for, and I would be in deep trouble with my wife, who is a private person.

Or, maybe I will bring it back in the house after the New Year and use it largely as a meditation chair, as I used to do.

Yoga chair sounded promising.

It does seem that using it could challenge one's karezza brain. Still, if we had somewhere to put it, we'd want to try one as a means of being more comfortable. We're not old relatively, but some positions can make us feel like geriatircs. Seriously, how do the old love birds manage?

Has it worn well? Does it work better for meditating than other optoins? 

It has worn well, freedom.

It has worn well, freedom. It is good quality leather, and shows no signs of wear from 10 months.

It works fine for meditating; it is comfortable, just like a chaise lounge. But, when reclining, it does not allow a straight spine and one is not upright, so the spine does is not in an ideal shape or orientation to serve as an 'antenna' for prana.

The chair works well for reading and relaxing; the ability to easily straddle, having feet on the ground, makes it really comfortable.

For Karezza, the ability for the person on top to have one's weight on one's legs, instead of one's arms, makes it a dream. And, it frees up the two arms and hands. Great idea and great design.

That support aspect is what

That support aspect is what we suspected. Do you have the green or the pink? Could they possibly find less neutral colors? Does it have a brand that I might hunt down elsewhere than Amazon?

Can it stand on its end or otherwise be moved out of the way easily? Perhaps it could have been made to open like a trunk/bench for the foot of a bed.

We have green. It is avocado

We have green. It is avocado green, just like from the '70s. I like the '70s vibe from the color. I am a product of the '70s, and enjoy select things from the '70s, such as my mood ring, paisley shirts, desert boots, etc.

I think I have seen the distributor offer other colors, including red and brown, periodically. You may want to send them an e-mail with a request for a specific color; they are friendly and responsive.

It does not have flat ends, so it cannot stand by its own on its end. But, it can certainly be propped up on its end and lean against a wall or corner. It is not heavy -- 40 lbs. or so -- but it is bulky, which makes a bit tricky to move around regularly.

Sharing a Bathroom

The biggest thing I learned in the last year is how to share a bathroom with a girl. I get one of the four drawers in the vanity. I also get room in the medicine cabinet for my deodorant, shaving cream, razor, tooth brush, and contact lens solution. That is all, about half a shelf of stuff. A year ago this last summer my girlfriend and I moved in together. Considering that my only siblings are two younger brothers sharing a bathroom with a girl is really different. I have learned more about tampons and pads, with wings, than I care to know. I do really love her—even though she hogs the bathroom!

Karezza is easy stuff compared to the bathroom. Living with her full time has made Karezza a better experience for us even if we are not exactly always “Orthodox” Karezza practitioners.

Ha ha!

I grew up with a sister, so just imagine....

The upside was that she was very observant and I tend to be rather absent-minded. So I could just start a sentence, such as, "Have you seen my...?" and before I even filled in the blank, she would answer that the missing item could be found on the back of the toilet, or wherever. Bet your brothers couldn't do that!!

It's Real

I just wasn't seeing it. It starts about 3 days post orgasm by day 5 I'm a needy mess looking for any way out. I read about post O symptoms and didn't really see it in me. It became clear to me, clear as the sound of a bell, a few weeks ago. I was intending karezza but oops and there it was, like clock work on day 3. The wanting started. Day 4 "Why can't I have the relationship I want?" Day 5 wanting porn, a lover, a way out...Yikes! I thought the problems in our marriage were, well, problems in our marriage. What has become clear this year is that there is a HUGE load of chemical crap thrown into the mix post O.
Much love to y'all

Sucks, eh?

And there's a surprising amount of research showing neurochemical events in a cycle after orgasm...and yet none of the researchers connect the dots on how such changes might be altering lovers' satisfaction and perception of their lives and lovers. So sad.

Interestingly, a researcher just put out a call for articles about orgasm for an academic journal issue. Maybe that will turn up something interesting in terms of Big Picture insights. But I'll be surprised if it appears before 2017.

alright so here's my answer

her sex drive never has improved.

And we have sex 4 times a week, occasionally more often.

It's scheduled, Karezza style. I avoid orgasm most of the time, and so does she.

It has been very harmonious. I finally, finally realized that I have a strong drive and my wife has basically none, and that's okay. That's taken me years to get good with.

She's been fine with it, it has always been my hangup.

She gets a lot out of our sex life. So do I. I feel 100 times more pleasure than she does, but she gets a lot out of it for her level. So that's where I'm at.

Schedule it. Don't assume you both have to feel the same way.


In your other thread, you said "And I'm clear on what I want. I don't say "need" but "want." But I know that I will not stay in a relationship without frequent wonderful sex. And not sex that is out of duty or pressure.

So that's where we're at. I'm pretty blunt."

That sounds like a demand/threat/ultimatum. How did you say that without causing resentment and resistance?

I wanna hear from your wife

JB's question is spot on to my situation when we had scheduled sex. It's almost incomprehensible to me that a woman can get the message, "I love you but I'll leave you if you don't put out" without rancor. Is she economically dependent on you?
On the other hand, I'm glad you all have worked something out.

no she's not economically

no she's not economically dependent on me.

Women should know that sex is important enough in a relationship that without it, the relationship will break. My wife knew that. It's just a fact. I can't imagine my friends would be in dead bedroom relationships if they were as clear as I was. 

You're Right

my friend, " sex is important enough in a relationship that without it, the relationship will break", is an important point that is often misunderstood and devalued.

I know nothing about your

I know nothing about your wife, but in all honesty, my experience is that my sex drive has quite a lot to do with my hormonal balance, which has quite a lot to do with my liver and kidney health, which has quite a lot to do with the cumulative amount of medications (especially antibiotics), hormonal birth control pills, and general level of stress I have had in my life. I know that in my truly energized, healthy state, I have incredible sex drive. Especially since becoming a mother and overcoming huge setbacks due to a medicalized birth and taking a long view at the total toll of meds on my body in my life, I can say that I don't think that women have a naturally lower sex drive, unless you consider that due to our biology and the culture we live in, we are susceptible to more interference, manipulation, management and interventions physically in our attempts to avoid pregnancy and recover from pregnancy. So the real way to "rehabilitate" women's libidos, so to speak - above and beyond the most wonderful solution that is karezza - is to create a culture in which there are fewer medical interventions in women's bodies, better birth control options that don't tweak with women's hormones, more responsible use of antibiotics for things like yeast infections, etc, less medical domination in the sphere of birth, more knowledge of nutritional support for kidney and hormonal balance and recovery, more support of women in their caregiving years financially, emotionally, and otherwise, and more tools for women to deal with stress and their tendency to overextend themselves. Another factor affecting women and how resourced they are (ie, plugged in to energy sources that rejuvenate them and therefore make them more sexually excited) is economic factors. Many young families are moving around constantly for the husband's or the wife's work and the result is fatter paychecks but less community support during childrearing years. In short, most modern women have hardcore adrenal fatigue and this obviously affects sexuality. I realize your wife may not represent all of these factors or have adrenal fatigue, but without trying to overstate this too much, its my sense that women in this culturally are generally so overextended on so many levels and in some cases have been for so many generations that we are (mis)taking this state of fatigue to be their natural sexual constitution.

It's been sobering for me to realize just how far we have to go in this project of the balance of the masculine and feminine. I suppose that is why most of us chose to incarnate in this dimension, time, and place, in the genders that we have - to work on this project.

Big hug to all who are undertaking such an experiment of reprogramming for renewal, rejuvenation, and liberation.
Cheers all!

Thank you. This is very

Thank you. This is very interesting. My wife never had a strong sex drive and at menopause it really withered away.   We've reached a good accommodation. I've been the main problem when periodically I grew dissatisfied that I was taking through sex but she wasn't feeling pleasure that I was. Finally I have realized that she does get pleasure from sex even in my enjoyment alone, if not in other ways that even she is not aware of. She doesn't have to feel the same feelings, sensations or pleasure that I do. That has been a huge insight.