things are great

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Submitted by emerson on
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We've been at this adventure for about nine months.

I've stopped worrying about my wife or her lack of libido or whatnot. That's just crazy and I finally figured out that it is totally unnecessary.

We have sex every few days and I really enjoy it more than anything. And she seems to enjoy it too. 

They say "actions speak louder than words" and those are the actions. The rest is just a bunch of garbage my mind churns up and I don't have to listen.

In essence, she is teaching me to not try to work on other people. What a lesson that is. Mind my own business. I'm a huge fan of Byron Katie and as she says here:

 

Notice when you hurt that you are mentally out of your business.

If you're not sure, stop and ask, "Mentally, whose business am I in?"

There are only three kinds of business in the universe: mine, yours, and God's.

Whose business is it if an earthquake happens? God's business.

Whose business is it if your neighbor down the street has an ugly lawn? Your neighbor's business.

Whose business is it if you are angry at your neighbor down the street because he has an ugly lawn? Your business.

Life is simple—it is internal.

Count, in five minute intervals, how many times you are in someone else's business mentally. Notice when you give uninvited advice or offer your opinion about something (aloud or silently).

Ask yourself: "Am I in their business? Did they ask me for my advice?" And more importantly, "Can I take the advice I am offering and apply it to my life?"

I still hope my wife can gain more of the sensations that I do but I'm no longer fixated on it.

Things have been really, really busy for me and I don't spend as much time here as I would like especially with guys with porn issues. But I will share that I have still not masturbated or looked at porn all this time, nor do I care to. If something seems a potential trigger, I look away or skip over it. I have no desire in that direction. And no desire to have an orgasm either. 

Sometimes when I reflect on it, I'm mystified at how easy it has been to stop cold and really never look back. I think it's all the very strong and constant bonding my wife and I do together. I mentor a few younger guys and I have found that when I get them to do bonding with their SOs, they get incredible results not just in their sexual realm but in their business life too. 

Plus, the feelings I have are so incredible that I never want to give them up. They have not worn out or fallen off. Sometimes I still want to just stare at my wife in joy and awe. It is still ecstacy to be inside her. I don't want that to ever end.

 

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Thanks for the update

I'll add it to your account. It's amazing that something so simple and cost-effective can be so powerful.

But I guess the reason it doesn't catch on is because those who find it early don't pass on any genes. It's a loser evolutionarily speaking. Smile

Thanks and Congratulations

Kudos Emerson!

I have no more things to say but congratulations and thank you for sharing that story.
You are perfectly right ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS

Our actions that are done wholeheartedly can go way beyond words because are feelings come across too.
The sensations of our touch are also like our eyes, they are windows to our soul. A touch can transfer what we feel for the other person. I feel that is one of the great things in Karezza, to extend our love to our partners or ourselves through touch.

TOUCH is a powerful tool in expressing our feelings, and we can feel which ones are true or not.

Congratulations and Thank you

thanks Aimee

you are amazing, and I love your optimism. Don't be afraid to share anything here, positive or negative (not that there really are such things but we like to think so.)

Karezza is so wonderful as a way of transmitting our love and feeling the love that we really are made of. I feel so blessed that I found it.

You are most welcome!

Thank you
thank you
thank you

To be quite honest, I am on my positivity that is why I know I can Recover!
I discovered that what made me go into my addiction is that I am so negative about everything
And being able to see the changes in me when I became optimistic, it was so infectious that I have to share it with you guys, and I hope I get my message across and helped everyone the way Optimism helped me.

Karezza is a great experience and I love it! I dont have a partner right now, but just enjoying Loving Myself is already bliss! And with this little knowledge I have in my body, I know I can learn more and share it with the someone I will be with!

Congratulations and you are great!

Thanks

I enjoyed reading this because I see a lot of myself in what you write.

I have also had a tendency to worry about my wife and her lack of interest in sex. I wanted to have that bonding, and she didn't seem to care, and that really bothered me. I am now learning how to let go of expectations for how she needs to behave, or how she needs to grow. That is her business.

It took a long time, but I eventually got past the idea that I needed her full coopertation in order to conduct my own sexual healing. I weaned myself off of fantasy MO. I have been gradually stretching out my periods of abstinence from ejaculation. And (this is the one that really shocked me) my neediness surrounding sex just kind of fell away. It is not that I stopped wanting sex. I would happily make love with my wife any time. It just is not as urgent any more. I no longer desire sex like a drug that I must have. I now desire sex in the same way I desire a good social event. If the opportunity comes up, and we can both relax and enjoy it, then I am game. However, if it is going to feel forced then I would rather not.

It is a sweet kind of liberation to know that something that used to create such suffering in me (our libido difference) has now become no big deal. It no longer has the power to strain our relationship.

I used to think that if we ever reached this point (no stress about sex) it would be because my wife's libido came roaring back and sex was frequent again. I never expected that I would be the one who decided to chill out and just go with the flow. However, since it was me who had the emotional hang-up (and started all the fights) it seems appropriate that it was me who did the personal healing first. Now that I am no longer so resentful, I can now reach out to her in ways that are loving rather than pressuring. That is what I am doing with the cuddle therapy.

Again, thanks for the post. It spoke to me on several levels.

Wonderful!

You are doing great, Emerson, and learning so much about yourself. And you are benefiting from her yin energy in ways you may not even realize, just from cuddling (and she, too, is getting things from you that will help her balance out over time and possibly even regain some libido).

Thank you for the update!

thank you Rachel

I am so grateful for your presence here. I think I am benefiting from her yin energy. We both get a lot out of this, I am 100% positive of that. It's the best time of my whole life...

Have you ever wondered about it this way

>I've stopped worrying about my wife or her lack of libido

Question: hows this for an idea. I'm just thinking out loud here. Does she even need a "libido"? What is a libido anyway. Are we comparing our women folk to ourselves, expecting them to spark, and fire like we do. Im not saying that women who have lots of interest in sex are wrong, but just what if another way to see this is that for those of us that have women with "low libodo" start seeing this as a more normal state of affairs. Our role is to spark theirs to receive, to tune into and just meet our spark.

You said it yourself, when she gets there she enjoys it and gets a lot out of it.

Libido

After we had kids my wife's libido tanked, and it has not returned since (our youngest is five years old). I have given up on waiting for it.

I knew that I had to do something to make sex enticing for her again, but I chose the wrong approach. I worked on becoming very skilled as a lover. I became very consistent at giving her good orgasms. However, this meant that sex for us became a big production. It lasts for an hour or so and involves a lot of passion. After our last love making session it took me two days for my arms to stop hurting because I had essentially been doing push-ups for 30 minutes. It is physically exhausting to make love that way.

Because it is such a production, my wife has become very discerning about when she is willing to do this. She has to be in the right mood with enough energy etc. In that sense my strategy totally back-fired. I put sex further out of reach by making it too elaborate.

With karezza I want to take things back to being very simple and not at all strenuous. It has to become something that is comfortable to do at the end of a long day. It has to be soothing and relaxing. I think that will go a long way toward making it accessible on a regular basis again.

My wife enjoys sex. The problem is that she thinks that it will require more energy than she has most days. Hopefully karezza will change that impression quickly. The cost to benefit ration will improve dramatically.

Eradicating sexual performance pressure

is one of the huge gifts of karezza. Often both partners discover it increases enjoyment. There are some very demanding ladies out there, too, these days! When Gary and I got together, one of the funniest things he said after I explained this concept and asked if he'd like to try it for a while was, "I can't believe it...a woman who is asking me to do less." Biggrin

Louis

All my strategies have backfired. Every one of them. I tried being a wonderful lover. I tried making her into my science project -- that REALLY didn't work. I tried this and I tried that.

Finally I realized she isn't my science project LOL.

The only thing that worked was doing a lot of bonding and having frequent sex even if I perceived that I was the only one who really wanted it. 

I wrote a note to you on another of your posts encouraging you to have sex soon and frequently. I think there is a lot of benefit to it if it's done the Karezza way.

When my wife realized I was serious about not having orgasms she was very, very uneasy at first. She was worried I'd always want to have sex. And I did actually always want to have sex. But after some months that settled down and it's all good now, no feeling of lack and we have a lot of sex compared to any other time in our life together. As long as I don't start analyzing her and getting in her business (I love that Byron Katie wisdom, don't you?) and don't make her my science project.

Point is, Louis, try it a time or two and mean it (non orgasmic) and your wife will begin to trust you about having sex and it not being a big deal this will take time, a number of months perhaps, but it will lead to what you wanted in the first place -- having a lot of sex with your wife.

Amen to that

No need to convince any further my friend. You are now preaching to the converted :)

I will try to have sex with her soon, and I will focus on myself and my own energy. Most importantly, I will not try to ejaculate.

We will see where it goes from there. Like you said, it is a process. There is no point in trying to plan it all out in advance. You just have to dive in and see where the current takes you.

Treehouse

I see my wife as perfect in a "Richardson/Barry Long" kind of way. Barry Long was where Richardson learned a lot of what she teaches, and he taught that you should make love without a lot of arousal. My wife is perfect at that. 

I don't really see how she should have more libido anymore. My *mind* wishes she did, but that's the mind talking and it chatters about a lot of nonsense LOL. I can't begin to tell you how much garbage my mind churns out on a per-minute basis. "She should have more libido" is another one of those garbage mind thoughts that is total rubbish.

I am demonstrative in bed, I make noise, I am into the act. My wife isn't really that much and she is quiet. I was thinking today, and this isn't easy to write, how much of what I do is "sex theater" designed to try to elicit something from my wife? 

I think a lot, actually.

I do feel great pleasure when we have sex, and I am aroused and it is the best thing in my whole life without a doubt. It's the reason for being. But I also think part of what I notice myself doing is designed to get her to do something. It's manipulative. 

I think it's good to notice that, and be gentle with myself, as I think about it. The mind likes to cast blame and feel guilty. I think that just noticing is interesting here. Maybe it can lead me to drop some of that theater and will result in a better energy flow and in some way, less pressure on my wife so she can move more into my space, as Darryl always says quite wisely.