Things seem one sided sexually speaking

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Things continue to be one sided when it comes to intercourse here.

Last night we had an incredible session of stroking and cuddling. And it didn't lead to anything. I could tell it was better not to "go" anywhere from there.

When we woke up, she was not in a good mood. But I really wanted sex. So we cuddled for a few minutes and I asked if I could come in and she said yes. The sensations were amazing but it was pretty one sided. I guess the price I pay for this when she's really not in the mood. But I think it's very helpful and important even when she's not. Still, I wonder.

Maybe it's just me. I feel so much more centered and floaty and better when we have intercourse. She doesn't feel this way I guess.

I'm going to continue on this path. But sometimes it is so frustrating. I realize I'm at it again, whining and I am so much happier this way than before. But it is a very slow process. She is still breast defensive and not really aroused when we have intercourse and sometimes it really bothers me, especially afterwards.

I don't say she's having a bad time. No, not at all. But it's something that sometimes I sense she would rather not do but does to please me. She doesn't mind it but it isn't really what she wants.

That isn't a good feeling for me. But I think gradually things will rewire and rebalance. Her sexuality will wake up. It is waking up. Slowly. I suppose.
 

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I hope so

It doesn't really matter, I suppose, how long it takes, or whether it happens, or whatever "it" is. I am deeply in love and would never want things to be like they were before.

If she's happy with things as they are for her, that's enough for me. I think I will be better off forgetting about some imaginary future and just being present here and now with what is. It's pretty sweet. But that's difficult for me sometimes. I suppose it is my life's work right now.

I wonder if clitoral stimulation wouldn't be helpful

When I see Sparkles I see someone without a lot of dopamine stuff. She doesn't have addictions. She doesn't lean towards overdoing things. She doesn't have wild enthusiasms for things. She is a steady-as-you-go person. Which is probably why we love each other so much -- she and I are opposite that way.

I wonder if waking her up sexually is a matter of clitoral stimulation? Maybe to kind of jumpstart her arousal and get the dopamine flowing so to speak.

That goes against what I've read in Richardson's books, but hey, this is our journey and we have to take it our way. In a way, she's perfect as a receptive woman, and doesn't let desire and arousal get in her way.

But just for kicks, isn't there a position that provides more clitoral stimulation? Maybe this is a good way to get her more excited. It kind of goes against what we've been doing, but I thought I'd throw it out there. Can't hurt to try it.

Or we just continue as is.

 

Emerson

It would be so good if the two of you could just relax, have fun, enjoy each other, and be comfortable. Be in the moment. Do what feels good right then. Don't do anything with intent or purpose or ulterior motive. Just play. Smile and be happy! It's all good. All bliss! Give her love without expecting anything in return. Just give because you love to give. What else can you do?

it would be cool

if that happens. I hope it does. But sometimes a search for a solution or for something else leads to breakthroughs. I found this whole way of life through such a search.

Why isn't it possible to improve things through continually searching and finding?

I feel there is a disconnect here between us in the pleasure we are each receiving. I want her to begin experiencing the pleasure that I get. If that is possible.

You are trying too hard

Read, learn, listen, enjoy, and stop trying to force something upon your wife. Enjoy your body and how it feels when you are with her. She will open up when she's ready. But I think you need to get out of your head. Stop trying to think of ways to increase her "pleasure"~~if you give her some space, maybe she'll tell you what she likes.

Grinding the corn

Here's one possibility:

http://www.marriagescience.com/

I hasten to add, although the technique is about increasing the likelihood of female orgasm during intercourse through increased clitoral stimulation, there's no need to take it that far. 'Grinding the corn' is a slow process, we find; so neither of you is likely to 'flip' over the edge, unless you want to.

You shouldn't need the video. It's a pretty simple procedure.

thanks Sood

this is very helpful. We'll try it.

Darryl had posted on a thread elsewhere here and it got me to thinking. Maybe this type of sex isn't stimulating enough for my partner. Maybe she needs clitoral stimulation. It's worth trying if she wants to and I think she will. Why not?

 

Again~

You are trying too hard, Emerson. If she "needs" clitorial stimulation, she'll tell you. (the best thing that ever happened to me sexually, however, was abandoning the clitoris!)

Have you asked her if she likes karezza? Or if she wants to go back to conventional sex? (the grinding thing is just conventional sex with the intent to produce an orgasm in the woman~~which takes one completely out of the present moment and into a moment in the future)

Rachel I agree with you, all

Rachel I agree with you, all the focus on the external clitoris is unneeded. But I don't think any of us women really can abandon the clitoris, given how big it really is and how it embraces the vagina structurally. I think that much pleasure from penetration is in fact stimulating the inner branches of the clitoris, tho there are a lot of other sensitive spots too, as you well know! But the FOCUS on the clitoris, its such a relief when this is gone, I agree.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cWRO0IIN_QE

It seems a bit odd that some

It seems a bit odd that some (/most?) women don't about their inner hardware given that most tissue structures exist in some form in men and women. If more knew, perhaps there would be less penis envy. Or maybe women know and are in some form of denial.

Yes, Hotspring

I guess I should have said, "abandoning trying to make a woman have an orgasm through oral/manual stimulation"~~I'm so relieved my lover and I no longer focus on that anymore. For one thing, it can cause the vagina to restrict, rather than relax. Also, a man is so far away when he is down there, lol. I like that when my lover is loving my breasts, I can still kiss his head and have my arms wrapped around him. I love that feeling of closeness.

As far as interior pleasures, for me, now that I have learned to relax and open up and welcome my lover's penis completely, the area near the cervix ("garden of love") is the place that sends me into complete and utter ecstasy. It seems to have the same effect on my beloved, as well. It's something a woman can only do with someone she trusts completely, which is why it is so special, I think. Most men in conventional intercourse are blocked from that area (too much risk of hurting with all the pounding that goes on during regular sex). Makes me sad for all the women (and men) who have never experienced a deep, still, throbbing penis! Smile

Suggestion

May I make a suggestion? Consider taking one whole month and let her be the one to initiate intercourse. If she doesnt go there, you dont go there. This means no hinting, no body language, no indication of any kind, leave it totally in her hands. Think you can do this? Cuddling..yes, bonding behaviors..yes, requesting/suggesting intercourse..no. Clitoral stimulation..bad idea, this isnt going to jump start anything you want.

this is quite upsetting to me

and therefore there is something to it :)

What upsets me is, to have sex with Sparkles when she doesn't really want to. And to be inflicting and pushing myself in other ways on her.

@Darryl, A break in my initiating intercourse seems to be a really good idea. Yeah I can do that. Why not? No hinting, no pressure, no looks...just totally cool with cuddling and whatnot but not initiating at all in any way, shape or form. Sure.

What concerns me is what if she doesn't initiate? I guess that's something I can find out. There will be a lot I'll learn in that time.

@Rachel, sigh, yes, I know you are right. It is that mind of mine going off in these directions. She does like Karezza but she'll say "I don't always want to have sex, I really like to cuddle but sometimes I'm not in the mood". She does like this much better. I have asked her and she said she does and I really believe she does.

Thanks for your comments, they are super helpful. Thank you also, Sood and Freedom and Marnia. All very helpful, you have no idea!

Slow process

You mentioned it being "a very slow process" but is that really the case? It seems to me your progress has been warp speed. Three months ago, if I remember rightly, you were masturbating to erotica pretty much daily. You quit orgasm in the blink of an eye and haven't stumbled once. Maybe your wife is used to you changing overnight but still, it must have been a shock.

It's taken me more than four years of off and on Karezza to finally get to the point where I nowadays prefer non orgasmic to orgasmic sex; but my wife still thinks I've got a screw loose and so do I, sometimes.

I've come to realise we're all on different journeys, going at different speeds. Your speed seems amazingly fast, to me; and as you've often said your wife is very different to you, maybe her speed is, too. Perhaps she just needs some time to catch up.

that is perspective I never thought about

I do take to things quickly when I take to them.

It's true that I decided to stop masturbation and porn and did completely and without a single slipup of any kind. And I haven't had an orgasm since even though we've had wonderful intercourse many many times since then.

And it's true that I'm sure my brain is still re-wiring.

I'm also sure my wife's brain is re-wiring. Has to be.

My wife was in shock. Even a week or so ago she asked again, "are you really not going to come?"

I quit drinking this way too, maybe ten years ago. Just decided not to drink and that was that.  And years before that I quit marijuana. That's my personality, quite intent on something when I get my mind to it.

Hmmm....

I can totally relate to your

I can totally relate to your energy Emerson. I'm similar when I get my mind set on something, but it sure get's people's back up when I'm expecting them to keep up with my speed or join me in what I think is the way to go. I often go back to this insight I read somewhere: "If we are invested in the outcome, the other person will always sense this and usually will respond defensively and with resistance."

But then I've also managed to achieve a lot of things that required both high expectations and persistence in countering resistance with new solutions. But it seems when it comes to relationships (as you've advised me in different words), that it's better to move ourselves forward and then step back and see if the other person wants to come with us. That reminds me of my daughter. When she's on the playground, I'll tell her it's time to go and inevitably, she refuses and fights me on it. The harder I push her, the more she resists. So then I just start to walk away, slowly and casually, trying not to peak back, and inevitably, she runs and catches up willingly, often joyfully, without a power struggle.

From reading your posts though, I always feel so envious of your position. You're with someone who seems committed to you no matter what. You have so much power. You can relax (as hard as that is) and do nothing, and she'll still love you. She'll probably even do what you want. If I were in her position, having intercourse everyday (?) and suddenly my partner stopped asking for that, I'd start taking action. That commitment you've got so beats the anxiety of single life in a porned-up world, where people move from one relationship to the next so quickly that when I meet someone, I feel compelled to hook them quick, let them experience great sex, show them I can be a really good lover, before they get bored or scared and move on...[I say that in full recognition of what's wrong with that thinking and am not acting in that way anymore, but the angst is still there]. I guess what I'm saying, is just step back and appreciate, as fully and deeply as you can, the commitment to loving you that she gives you.

I love your response here Zia

I learn so much from you. Thank you. I am very lucky indeed. We do have a wonderful commitment and she doesn't expect too much or too little.

Time to give her a bit of her space and stop focusing on my needs for awhile.

Just some thoughts

A few things that popped in my head when reading this thread and a few others of yours.

Stopping booze and dope is something you did on your own admirably, but sex is a dance with two people. You can fast forward your own changes, but you can't drag someone with you who has different needs and wants. If you were to train for a marathon with your mrs, you wouldn't expect her to go at your pace at least initially.

I'm learning that I need all the cuddling bonding stuff to take the pressure off etc, but that's me discovering my needs. My wife has different needs and 'conditions' for great sex. For her its being relaxed, had a good night sleep, having less stress at work etc and fundamentally feeling no pressure to have sex.

I know my wife's biggest turn off is when something is expected, in some ways you could be putting similar pressure on her to the pressure you put on yourself.

Have you asked her what her needs are? Not from a "how can I get more sex out of you" perspective (A mistake I made in the past), but to ask her what she really wants/ needs.

The majority of women won't orgasms without clitoral stimulation. There are plenty of positions that allow you to do this with your hands while you have sex. It works for me and allows you to control when you both orgasm if you wish.

I'm not alone

I have similar issues with my GF of 5 years. Sex has never been high on her list of priorities, she'll do it but it's more out of obligation vs. actual strong sexual desire. I'm noticing some improvements since my practice, hopefully this will only continue.

Non-ejaculatory!!

:) Because I believe men can have orgasms without releasing.

Well my Practice is VERY one sided. I have realized a few things about myself and her during this process. About me is I didn’t ask her enough questions about her sexuality, I allowed certain things to take place or become acceptable in our sexual relations, I have been selfish and harsh. About her I’m realizing because I’m her 1st long term relationship (we’re both in 30’s) I need to take the lead in sexual areas due to her lack of passion due to multiple reasons (emotionally jacked up).
So even though we have been a couple for almost 5 years I feel like we are starting from scratch sexually. And I am leading this rediscovery.
I started to create bonding events about a month or two ago. We hug and kiss morning & evening, she has been surprisingly receptive to this. As for intercourse, it’s all me. I see this as a long journey and I’m unsure if I will be successful.