time to have an orgasm

emerson's picture
Submitted by emerson on
Printer-friendly version

it's been about 10 months since I had an orgasm and that long since I masturbated.

For a few days I've had a surprising re-appearance of blue balls. Not sure why. But it's been aggravating. I think my body was saying it was time to get the ol' prostate doing its thing.

I didn't tell my partner what I would or wouldn't be doing, just figured, hey, if I feel like it I will.

And I tried to encourage her to. She says she feels self conscious about it but I said, hey why not do what you want? I encourage her because I want her to find her own space and I think she has to feel freedom to do that. She's the perfect Karezza partner really. (And she's the perfect life partner, so it figures.)

We had intercourse and I got her kind of riled up and she had an orgasm. Then I had one. It was cool, it was nice, it was great. I think my body wanted it.

She was kind of surprised that I had come.

A bit later, she said, "I like that other kind of sex much better."

"What kind?"

"The kind where we don't come. It's a lot nicer and feels a lot better, more intimate."

I totally agree. I'm glad she said it first too. I've been the initiator and we have sex every other day, sometimes every day, and I am never sure she would do it if I didn't initiate. While I try to get over that, any positive sign from her about sex is highly desirable in my book. So this was nice that she said this on her own, and was quite emphatic about it.

I am still continuing my Karezza. This wasn't an accident. But it was a good thing I think. And a great learning experience for me and for her.



The middle ground

Orgasms are not evil. They are a healthy and normal part of human sexuality. It is OK to have an orgasm sometimes. When the body has excess sexual energy or too much tension, an orgasm can really help to loosen things up and get sexual energy moving again. However, this is an occasional thing.

The problem is that most people seek out orgams too often. They use it as a way to self medicate. This drains their sexual energy and throws their brain chemistry out of whack. Too much of a good thing is not a good thing.

When the body needs to orgasm or ejaculate, then don't fight it. Semen retention can become just as single mindedly goal oriented as conventional sex. Don't get stuck in a rut where you are fighting with your body.

Having said that, don't orgasm until you need to either. Let the body decide for itself when it needs to release, and when it needs to conserve. Once you have broken the addiction to frequent orgasm you will be better able to listen to the body and recognize what it actually needs here and now. Most of the time it will want to conserve. Sometimes it will want to release.

Your body told you that it wanted to release. You listened. Now it wants to go back to conserving again. Listen to it. Eventually it will want to release again. You just keep listening to what it actually needs and you get into a nice flow. You keep yourself inside of a healthy range where you are not too hot and not too cold. You are just right.

Sexuality is a spectrum and I intend to enjoy the full range of it, not just one extreme or the other.

One note (this goes for both men and women) when you do choose to orgasm, relax into it. Do not tense up. Being tense kinks the flow of energy and will incresae the amount of prolactin that is released. Try and relax and exhale deeply as you enter the orgasm. This will greatly mitigate any negative effects and also leave you feeling much more satisfied.

I kind of agree, and kind of don't

I think orgasms are fine. But I don't really want them particularly.

I think there is a lot to be said for resolve, and deciding what you are going to do and not do. Intention is very important to me. 

Our brains have many parts and the most primitive part, the amygdala perhaps, seems to want to orgasm when it has sex. The higher self in my case doesn't want to do that. It takes decision. My decision has been and will continue to be not to orgasm. If it happens on its own, fine. Or in this case, if my body really really "needs" to, then sure.


Not sure why my body wanted this but I think it worked out great.


Nice going Emerson

@ emerson How delightful that your wife could distinguish between the two experiences. That's a good sign, eh?

@Louie, your advice is great, but I think it sets up a straw man of sorts. No one here thinks orgasms are "evil," including emerson, so there's not much point in starting with that straw man.

I happen to think orgasms affect different people differently, and it pays for each of us to learn what's right for us. That  may or may not be the middle ground you are thinking of.

Marnia wrote:


@ emerson How delightful that your wife could distinguish between the two experiences. That's a good sign, eh?



I'm really stoked about this. I think it is outstanding. I can't tell you how thrilled it makes me because it is the first really positive statement she has made out our journey and she said it on her own. A great sign.

Middle ground

I agree. Each person has to figure out for themselves how they (individually) are affected by orgasm and then take that into consideration when determining when to do it.

I think it is generally true that men need to ejaculate less as they get older. Other than that, it comes down to how each person's brain chemistry is effected and how that balances with the need to maintian your energetic equilibrium.



I apologize if I seemed to be critical in my response. I was not intending to criticize your desire to avoid orgasm. At least, that is not what I meant to do. It certainly reads like that though.

This is an issue that touches on an inner conflict of my own. I have struggled with the question of how disciplined a man should be in semen retention. I tend to swing back and forth on this issue. Lately I have been swinging toward "let the body do what it needs to do." However, I have been guilty of fighting with my body at times as well. I still do not know what the right answer for me is yet.

So, I apologize for going off the handle a bit. I was ranting :)

Louie: apology not necessary

it didn't come across that way and actually I can understand the conflict and the discussion is very helpful. I love reading your ideas and thoughts and I didn't find anything critical :)

I will just say that "doing what comes naturally" if you will, doesn't work for me. It doesn't create the best life possible.

I think a life that is lived with intention is much more fulfilling than one that is lived without. I've experienced the best times of my life since I decided on quitting orgasms. That might not work for others, and it may not be what I want in the future, but it's serving me very well right now.

You always talk about "semen retention" and I'm not sure of that term.

It doesn't feel unnatural or like an act of will to keep my semen. It seems more of an act of intent not to have an orgasm, but I know orgasm is quite possible without ejaculation. And even edging causes a lot of the orgasm type fallout for me that ejaculation does. And women experience issues quite often with orgasm without ejaculation. 

I mention this because thoughts are important. If I viewed this journey as one of retaining semen I think I'd feel differently about it.