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Submitted by enlightenmentgirl on
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I stumbled upon the concept of Karezza in research for a story I was writing. I found this site and was moved by the stories. This practice speaks to me. Unfortunately, I am single, and I have somehow lost the ability to meet single men. Actually a male friend and I went out a couple of weeks ago to pick up a single guy for me to have "hook up sex" with. It failed miserably, which was actually a blessing in disguise. I had just started reading about Karezza, and even though I was longing for male attention, touch and sexual release, I started to realize semi-anonymous one-night stands were not going to do it for me. I would have been happy if I could have exchanged numbers with someone and followed through with coffee or something else, but I didn't even get that. Instead, I felt shy, reserved and afraid of coming across as a pervy, desparate middle-aged woman trying to play Mrs. Robinson (or Demi Moore) with a college guy.

I have stopped looking at porn several months ago, out of feminist concerns. I think what I am addicted to are the pretty boys of anime. I don't even look at anime porn (hentai), but art that shows these impossibly good-looking young men. That's what led me to go hunting for college students rather than men around my age. I am struggling with my guilt over my atttraction to good-looking men. That male friend I mentioned could be a potential cuddle buddy, but my body recoils at his touch and the kind of emotional openness and intimacy needed. I feel torn by my desire for attractive men (even as cuddle buddies, not procreative partners) and the guilt that that is not what Karezza is supposed to be about. I've been told I'm attractive in an old-fashioned movie-star way (A lot of people say I look like Ingrid Bergman, even though I have now dyed my hair platinum blond), I'm not overweight, I can be charming and engaging and a good listener and conversationalist. But I'm starting to feel invisible, touch-starved, and lonely.

I hope I haven't triggered anything in anyone here. I just don't know how or where to meet the kind of people who would be receptive to practicing Karezza, and I feel stuck.



Thanks for jumping in

I think you need a Courtly Companion, so sign up when you're ready. It can be really heartening to have an anonymous cyberpal of the opposite sex to share things with. 

Isn't it amazing how much your story sounds like what the guys are going through from watching too much hyper-stimulating Internet porn? They sometimes lose attraction to real women/realistic partners. An overstimulated brain tends to become desensitized. If you don't mind visiting our sister site, you may want to watch this series by my husband. It explains better:

Did you read these two articles for women?

Vibrators and Other Pleasures: When 'Moderation' Fails

Sexual Energy and the Single Woman

Also, another forum member, Aimee, is experimenting with her own "self-love" practice, so you could try it too.

The good news is that brains are plastic, so your normal sensitivity and attractions are likely to return as your brain feels more balanced. A partner is "ideal medicine," but in the meantime, there are lots of other techniques that help with brain balance on this page: ♦Solo Tools

And even some good socializing ideas: ♦Tools to Connect

If you don't mind my asking, are you orgasming very frequently? If so, have a look at this journal letter: Costa.Masturbation.pdf and Women: Does Orgasm Give You a Hangover? Sometimes the "cure" of orgasm isn't as effective as it seems in the moment. Wink

My sense is that as you feel less "stuck," you'll see more potential partners show up. It's worth a try.

So good to have you here!

thanks for the welcome!

In reply to some of your points: I've never been into sex toys that much. The price of the best vibrators often put me off. I also have a teenaged son, so I feel uncomfortable about having that around, even if I hide it. I had a friend (the same who went trolling for college boys) perform oral sex on me so I had an orgasm last week, but I didn't have one for at least two weeks before then. My inital response to the question of "use" is that I see it as a stress relief, and one that does lead to me crying, "What is wrong with me?" I've been exercising more in the past two weeks and that helps with lessening the need for that.
I did read Aimee's story and in some ways, her first blog post was similar to mine. The closest experience I had to Karezza was with an older man. We had conventional sex, but the emotional connection and the tenderness and touch were so strong, that it moved me (and the memory even now) to tears. I miss that feeling of being loved and loving in return. So I read her experiement with Solo Karezza and that is something I will try soon. It's funny, but my breasts were never that sensitive, so the idea of caressing them without the goal of arousal sounds interesting.
I love looking at my anime boys, one character in particular, and in my good moments, I see him more as an animus/muse than a love object. But in my darker moments, I think that I am as addicted to him as many of the men are addicted to a porn actress ideal, and it pains me to think I'd have to let him go. Reading and writing about this character has given me so much joy and creativity since the new year and has helped me make cyberfriends in the fandom that I don't know if I can say, "This is a Bad Thing! Stop right now!"

Welcome enlightenmentgirl

I'm new to the site and to the idea of Karezza as well. It's great to have another woman here.

As Marnia was asking, have you considered how you use orgasm in your life? I was quite surprised to see how it was affecting me and have seen an incredible difference since abstaining (I'm at Day 35 today).

Also, while I'm still very new to it myself, I'd second Marnia's advice on having a Courtly Companion. I'm lucky to have a sweetie I'm sharing this Karezza journey with, but I have also taken on a Courtly Companion as well and can already tell that it will be an added dimension to this experience.

I look forward to reading more of your posts!

Thanks for the welcome!

I'm actually astonished that men outnumber women on this site. I was even more surprised that many of the blogs and posts I have read have come from men in the 20s. I figured that Karezza would appeal more to men my age (mid 40s and up) as some thing that allowed greater closeness and affection without the pressure of erection and orgasm. But the world is full of surprises, eh?
My last orgasm was Friday, and it was with something I like as a friend, but not more. I don't even want him as a cuddle buddy because I feel myself recoiling from his touch and closing myself off to him. Basically, I owed him for dinner. So I will try abstaining in order to see what happens.
I'd like the idea of a Courtly Companion but I'm afraid of abusing it. It sounds like one is a sounding board for another person's concerns and that it is to give freely and lovingly of one's advice and experience. But I'm afraid I'd end up using it as a way to get my needs fulfilled and I don't know if that's the purpose of it.
I wish I knew what the rules were about it. Could a Courtly Companion turn into something more or is that against its purpose?

It may help you get out of that "falling" mindset altogether.

There's an attitude that love is something we helplessly "fall" into, but we ought to feel more powerful about it; your CC could help with that. With a CC, healing is the main goal and you're aware of that - not a high risk of 'falling'. Hopefully, the closer you are to your CC, the easier it will be to 'stand' in love when the right man comes - you need a boost of self-belief, and you'll feel a lot better in yourself for helping another on the way.

Given that it's modelled on chaste Courtly Love, you could anticipate a *safe* level of affection between you and your CC, but it's only natural to feel gratitude in a healing relationship. I'm sure you won't worry about 'using' your companion after a taste of healing. :)

But feel free to discount all this - I fell for my friend at Reuniting and we weren't even strictly CCs! It's wise not to expect it, but it can happen. (My love and I were moved by each other's stories and only later discovered we were pretty compatible.)

Good luck. :)

I see...

Okay. I teach World Literature and the whole idea of courtly love and the later concept of platonic love in the Renaissance are very familiar and welcome to me. I think I could do that and doing it over the interweb without fear of attraction (or not being attracted), I think I could be more generous and selfless in love. And if that makes me better able to go out into the "meat world" and meet people, than I am willing to try it.

I'm Curious

to know more about this male friend of yours, who helped you pick up some other guy, and who also gave you oral sex. That sounds to me like much more than an everyday sort of friendship! It sounds like he is willing to do a lot for you, and that you trust him enough to talk about some rather intimate matters, like you wanting to hook up with a younger guy.

And if there is already a lot of trust and friendship between you two, then I'd suggest you think more about how to turn him into a cuddle buddy and perhaps more. I think you recognize that your recoiling from his touch is _your_ problem, not something that is wrong with him. Perhaps you could approach cuddling gradually, for example by holding hands and talking (if you both enjoy talking), stroking his hands, giving him a backrub, walking around and holding hands, watching TV or a movie with your arms around each other, etc. Those are things that a lot of guys would enjoy, so you don't need to feel like you are imposing on him. By taking it in small steps, and by you taking the initiative to do the touching, I think the recoil reaction would gradually dissipate, and you might start to enjoy physical contact with a real guy.

Regarding Courtly Companions, I think the "purpose" is whatever you and your companion want it to be. I'd also suggest that you be more specific about your location in your Reuniting profile. If there is some Reuniting guy that lives near you, perhaps he will contact you.

Ah, my weird friend : )

My friend and I have know each other almost 10 years. He is older than I am, married, but essentially separated from his wife. He is more attracted to me than I to him, but he's been umm, useful, if you know what I mean. Not sexual intercourse but other forms of release. And we enjoy talking to each other and I let him hug and hold me, but I don't receive any pleasure. I recognize that he is starved for physical affection and that that can sometimes make him feel needy and clingy. That puts me off. On the one hand,I recognize my letting him do those things to me (hugging and stroking me) would be a very, loving selfless thing to do for him. But the thought of touching him, returning the same kind of touch (stroking his back, etc) just makes me flinch. I feel like I am doing something that I don't really want to do, and that taps into a deep part of me that feels powerless and dominated by others, emotions that go back to childhood. Because of those early experiences, I rebel against doing something for someone (even if they would like it and need it) that I don't want to do, that I am obligated to do.
And that brings me to this question: Am I supposed to settle for someone or something instead of trying to have it all? Am I supposed to say to myself, "Well, this is all about selfless giving, bonding, and here's an available friend who'd appreciate it, but not the one I want. So I'll do my duty, give him some loving exchanges, and forget about finding someone i'd really like to touch and be close to, because that's just biochemistry tricking me." Even writing these words make me feel like a door has closed shut upon me.

First of all,

you're an adult now. No one can make you do anything, mating-wise, that you don't choose to do. Wink

Do you believe that you get back what you give out? If so, then it pays to learn unconditional love, however you accomplish it. Using someone is risky for the same reason.

Also know that bonding behaviors actually shift perception in the most astonishing way...just as the neurochemical cycle of (intense) orgasm can too. For example, look what this guy recovering from porn addiction reported:

Is it possible that oral sex is having a similar effect on you? Have you read this? Women: Does Orgasm Give You a Hangover? Not all women are affected the same way, but those who are have trouble staying in relationships while their emphasis is on "heat" over "bonding." Who knew???


NoFap and bonding

I haven't masturbated for three weeks and when I do, I don't do it to anime art. I find myself almost completely focused on erotic fiction or just so phyiscally goal-focused that I don't have pictures or even scenarios in my head. With last week and my friend performing oral sex on me, I distanced myself by imagining it as a short story based on anime characters. No visuals, but lots of dialogue and exposition. It was like I was trying to make what I was doing more acceptable to myself by imagining it happening between fictional characters. But now I am thinking that when I meet with my friend I might tell him I'm doing a no-orgasm experiement and see what his reaction is.
I can work on the unconditional love, although I don't want to end my search for a real partner by settling for my friend. He needs kindness and some physical touch, but he gets so needy, it becomes hard to deal with. Even though he is impotent, he gets goal driven in getting me to orgasm and when I say enough, he doesn't get that I mean it. So that bothers me a lot.
I read about the Orgasm hangover and found it interesting. It really does go against one's expectations!


I see a lot of words like "duty," "obligated," and "supposed to" in your writing. Where is that coming from? It seems to me that people should associate with each other (whether it be a business relationship, or a romantic relationship, whatever) only if both parties benefit from the relationship or simply enjoy hanging out with each other. If I had to associate with someone because of a sense of obligation, it would be pretty horrible. (Actually, I've been in that situation. My wife and I were estranged for 7+ years. I didn't want to get divorced because I didn't want our kids to have a broken home. Now the kids have grown and moved out, I no longer feel _obligated_ to stay together, and my wife and I are back together again and both are reasonably satisfied with the relationship. I think we get different things from it. I get a cuddle buddy and karezza partner. I'm not sure what she gets from it. Maybe some feeling of security?)

So I'm wondering if you can lose that feeling of duty or obligation? Just hang out with your Weird Friend (or someone else) because you _want_ to? Because you like what you get from the relationship?

I'm also wondering if you get that recoil reaction only from WF, or if you get it from most or all guys? Is WF particularly ugly or creepy in some way?

Duty and obligation

Those words show up because I was perceiving or misunderstanding that people thought Weird Friend would be a good choice for a cuddle buddy/karezza partner, when he is not what I want. I also felt my own conflict between duty (do what is the "christian, loving thing" to do, whether I enjoy it or not) and desire (I don't want to make Weird Friend my cuddle buddy because I feel unable or unwilling to give him what he wants). As to recoiling, he's the only one I can think of from recent experience. There's another unavailable man I have had contact with in the past, and if he were more readily available, I'd be all over him. So I don't think it is most or all guys.

To me, I think it is that I don't find Weird Friend physically attractive and he does seem to have a weird factor that makes other women anxious as well. I enjoy talking with him and going out to dinner with him, but I start to feel this dread when he gets all clutchy and huggy. For example, he tells me about going to a restaurant, chatting with women who seem friendly and willing to talk to him, and he or they take their leave. But more than once, he has had a manager come to him afterwards and quiz him about what he's doing there, why he's bothering these women, and he figures out that the women who were so willing to laugh and chat with him then ran to the manager and complained about him. For the record, I don't get that kind of mixed message either. But he's told me of two instances where this has happened, and I don't know whether it's women's fear, Southern inability to be direct and tell him to go away, or him.

I'm just being an entitled princess who thinks she deserves better than Weird Friend.

I'm confused

How can I be the solution to his impotence as a matter of information? Do you mean that I tell him about Karezza, slow sex, the consequences of porn addiction? I honestly don't know how much porn he watches or whether it's soft core or more extreme stuff. Guess I could ask.

My dog just died suddenly a few hours ago and he was a source of physical affection and unconditional love to me. I don't know if this is the universe punishing me or making space for something new in my life. All I know is that it hurts.

If I were single...

I would not hesitate to register on more than one of those online dating sites. That would have to be better than just going out on a search. I've never tried it since I was married long before the internet. However, I do know of couples who have met and connected this way. Also, I'm with Curiousfellow. You could very well find someone right here. Who knows.....

Online sites

I have used a couple of different online sites in the past and I've had decent experiences. I don't have the discretionary income to go on a subscription site, so I'll try some of the free ones. OKCupid, Cuddleconnect, and plenty of fish sound more like my speed, right now. I was even thinking of posting an ad on my city's craigslist but panicked and wondered what kind of danger I would put myself in.
I've been reading your blog and I am so impressed with what you have written. That line about how heterosexual people have done more damage to marriage than gay marriage ever could? So true, so true. I am moved to tears (yeah, I'm prone to weepiness) by your account of how you and your wife have committed to renewing your relationship. Good for you, be blessed!