I got through a complete menstrual cycle without M, even though it was very tempting at times. But what causes me to post today is this strange sad loneliness that could be a combination of factors. First, I went to my first anime convention and dressed as my favorite character from Axis Powers: Hetalia. I had a blast and it was an overwhelmingly positive experience. I got greeted by my character's name, fans took my picture and asked for hugs, and I got to goof around and admire beautiful and fantastic costumes. I met a couple of people whom I hope to hear from in the future; I'd like to be on Hetalia: Ask a Nation panels with them at some upcoming conventions in the New Year. I met a couple of straight male Germany cosplayers, but they were taken. Well, hope springs eternal or gets shot down, ja?
So why am I sad?
I have another conference this week, and it's a serious academic one. My paper is only one-third finished and I have a weird mix of confidence and despair that it will get done in time to present on Thursday afternoon. But I am also exhausted from getting back from the anime convention, going to class, playing catch-up with paperwork, and getting a start on the conference paper. I also think I am feeling post-convention letdown; I've gone from being Prussia, one of the most popular, sexy and awesome characters in my favorite series (and I was told by a couple of people that I made a good Prussia) to being me, single, lonely, overworked, serious middle-aged me. It also didn't help that I am teaching a short story in class about a time in the future when people are given drugs in the future that govern their emotions and connections to others. The story is called "Escape from Spiderhead" by George Saunders and I highly recommend it. But its depiction of chemically-induced love, connection, and indifference, it caused me to start crying and feeling depressed.
I am on medication for depression and I am highly functional almost all of the time. So, I wonder if this is a mix of exhaustion and post-convention let down or something deeper, something touching my longing for physical touch. The Hetalia fanbase is mostly teenaged girls (underage, illegal, unpredictable) or it seems to be lesbians (nothing wrong with that). I'm starting to wonder if I am bisexual and maybe I should transition into relationships with women just to get some physical touch. I wonder how frustrated another bi woman or lesbian would be if I told them, "No orgasms, please, but plenty of cuddles; I'm a Karezzanaut." Can it work that way?