Day 76 Reboot, Age 25

Submitted by Featherstone on
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I noticed some odd changes during this reboot, largely shifts in mood quite atypical for a banal personality like myself. At first I just plain craved porn; then I felt dead inside; then at some point I felt like superman, my anxiety vanished, women were coming on to me, and I was genuinely curious about other people and as much attracted to women by their quirks as by their appearance. Thereafter, I reverted back to my original self--as I mentioned in my previous post--followed by a two day superman phase (occurring the day after my last post, incidentally), which concluded with me being more anxious than ever before.

My anxiety is a tricky thing: I have no problem engaging in obligatory human interactions, ordinarily--but I'm a nervous wreck around available women to whom I'm attracted--though the pornography smoothed things out to a flat, empty feeling. Throw in some obstacle or social ritual and I'm back to normal. However, I've never been good with people I have minimal interest for--and this covers quite a number of people--with the superman phase being the exception to the rule. However, these last few days have had me wanting to interact with more people, but I find myself suddenly quite anxious--possibly due to the fact that I've typically loathed small talk in the past, and now want it, and haven't the slightest inkling as to how to go about it. My easy-going and legitimately curious self (I've lost interest in most yet again, yet crave the small talk, oddly) would have done fine, and I do hope that that part of me will return and that it wasn't some odd confluence of hormones that aren't liable to return when and if I stabilize.

I understand the advice to push myself into the social arena, and I'm the first to advocate hard knocks and tough love. The trouble is that I really find the idea of potentially making people uncomfortable hateful. It's odd: when I was feeling confident during this reboot, my own moral sensibilities morphed a bit, too. I found myself having thoughts that said it was all right to say something if it potentially made someone happy--and that if it was received poorly it was self-evidently the result of their own personal issues. Then again, I felt like James Bond the whole time and permitted myself to interact, because I felt that I couldn't make people uneasy. Now, I feel that I shouldn't talk to people if I'm going to make them uncomfortable, as I know I will, judging from the tense muscles and racing thoughts.

This missive is a bit more disorganized than the last, though I hope that it will be a useful window--and hopefully, eventual footnote--into my madness for those undergoing longer than average reboots.

Before signing off, I would add that I just feel a torrent of new emotions flooding in my head, and I've no ability to make sense of any of them--I don't know what to do with these feelings and it feels like there's a constant primal yawl in my mind. I found the reboot a delightful idea because it offered me a firm goal to pursue: endure discomfort for an indeterminate number of days and my brain will sort an awful large portion of the mess out. Of course, I've been experimenting with new activities to challenge my mind and encourage neuroplasticity to expedite recovery and keep my preoccupied, as well as finding outlets to vent my frustration and procure my dopamine fix: exercise, more cerebral activities, and what-not. But, bearing in mind my minimal number of sexual experiences (four, to be precise), and the fact that I wasn't able to ejaculate in three of those cases, nor enjoy the experience overly much--as well as judging from the length of time--I feel as though a typical recovery is not forthcoming, and that I need to do something more. If only there was some target I could aim for, some summit to scale--I'd carry on merrily. Of course, I intend to see this through (success being defined as the forming of a healthy, intimate relationship with enjoyable intercourse), but in a curmudgeonly fashion, more than likely.

Also, I'd like to add that I appreciated the feedback everyone has given before--I'd normally chide the notion, but I will admit that I find the support very helpful and comforting. Thank you all.

Comments

Maybe you're being too

Maybe you're being too cerebral about it all. I can relate to not wanting to say something if it might hurt/offend someone. This all depends if what you say is truly offensive or are you thinking for others and assuming it?

Maybe try saying whatever you have on your mind and if it offends and you notice it, then immediately take repsonsibiity for it and apologize. Don't beat yourself up over it and maybe gradually you will find the right balance over time and it will come naturally?

It's sensible advice: funny,

It's sensible advice: funny, I'll have similar thoughts sometimes during this reboot, but only during certain periods will it make 'sense'--as in, intuitively feel right to me. I think your view holds merit, though--I think I'll give it a chance when I feel ready.

Im in exactly the same

Im in exactly the same position bro.. We must be able to conquer this, i can't envision spending my whole life like this. Some times i question my health but deep down i know that porn, fantasy and masturbation coupled with the lack of real-world sexual experiences has screwed me up.

My last serious reboot attempt lasted 55 days and i had all the crazy mood changes that you've experienced. I made out with a girl and got a solid erection and had a rush of feelings i haven't had in a long time,im almost postive i could have performed if it gone any further. So i must have been on the right path, i just wish all this rebooting wasn't so hard. How the fuck do you not fantasize? lol. I can get erect to fantasy but get nervous and have problems with the real thing so this is where im at. Day 1 giving all this another go.

Good luck bro im routing for you.

For a bit of good news, I've

For a bit of good news, I've been feeling like the man again--the day after posting (same as my last post, as well), but it's a real roller coaster ride. As for avoiding the fantasies: well, honestly, try to think of it as not thinking of a pink elephant. If you try not to, you obviously will: just throw all of your attention on something else that compels you and cling to it for dear life. Fantasy might very well be a healthy thing under normal circumstances, but because my whole sex drive is wired to a bunch of dysfunctional habits, I steer clear of it entirely to better allow the brain some time to heal--much akin to the metaphor of laying off a leg that's been broken, though one would ordinarily wield it under normal circumstances. Good luck. Try to think of the discomfort as pain you were fated to feel: either in the form of dysfunctional relationships or plain loneliness--or just manning up, getting it out of the way, and facing and embracing the challenge life has thrown at you--if that makes any sense.

I have. But giving it a

I have. But giving it a second thought--while I get a lot of this, already: I do feel that I could stand a bit more affection in my life, and am now considering signing up for one of those cuddle buddy sites after I've stabilized a bit--the idea seems particularly therapeutic in that during my short-term relationships or one night stands, I always got a lot more out of the cuddling than the sex--while naturally always ignoring the former and pursuing the latter. Thanks for putting the idea in my head.

One piece of advice I can

One piece of advice I can give you is not to feel like you need to jump right in and be an expert at socializing. I have found that the a good way to get better at small talk is to talk about some really cliche things. "How 'bout this weather we're having?" is a good one. Or "How 'bout that baseball game yesterday?" (if you are into sports). Or, "how 'bout that big story in the newspaper yesterday?". The thing is, most people are more like you than you know. Nobody ever likes to break the ice. Otherwise, there would be no ice. I think the key is to become a good ice breaker. And to be a good ice breaker, you need to get better at having the nerve to break the ice. And in order to have the nerve to break the ice, it really really helps to have a few easy, simple, cliche, back-pocket things to start a conversation with. After you do this a few times, you'll start to naturally get a little more creative with your openers. Of course, everything I'm saying is not necessarily aimed at attractive, single women. You can do this with everybody around you. The better you become at talking to anybody, the more comfortable you will be talking to the cute girl. That's when you get really creative. "Hey, I noticed you have a Disney World key chain. I've never been. How did you like it there?"... stuff like that. Good luck man. Just remember, start small and push yourself just a little at a time.