My first entry

Submitted by finbar on
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From the moment I became sexually active, I knew that there weren't a whole lot of benefits to orgasms for me (teen me would think - "well let's not do that again because I feel very lousy now"), but they were addictive and it took me many years to seriously consider what I would do about this issue.

In my twenties, I started seeing a girl who was usually up for sex, to the point where we were in bed whenever we were together, during the early stages anyways. I was feeling more troubled in the mind and body as this relationship went on and suspected that these orgasms were playing a part. I stumbled upon while trying to figure out if other men were feeling really lousy after orgasms too. I didn't commit to much at all back then, but over the years I had periods where I would abstain from orgasms and I felt better within myself, but in periods of stress it was way too easy to fall back into the habit and I didn't take it seriously enough. I also didn't have much of an understanding about it all, other than the concept that avoiding orgasm was beneficial for me (I've since read Cupid's Poisoned Arrow - a book that has given me more understanding than any other, after feeling like I was simply too broken to function in a relationship for a long long time).

Eventually, that relationship wasn't able to continue, it was too hard for both of us. The last big fight began within the hour after sex - we even came together, which many would think would bring us as close as two people could possibly be. But neither of us felt understood afterwards and neither of us felt like the other cared or listened. I ran away and she wasn't able to take me back this time. I truly believe that our approach to sex and intimacy was making things very tough between us because in reflection, this cycle had happened so many times before. We were often infatuated with each other, but this led to more sex with less of the important bonding behaviors. Both of our minds and bodies craved the pleasure and passion to such a degree that it was too hard to slow things down and focus on what our souls needed - the cuddles, hugs, stroking and kisses, eye contact, laughter and smiles.

I remember a time when we had decided that we could only be friends, but we still allowed for cuddles and holding hands. These times are when I remember real magic happening, being able to feel sparks between our fingers and it felt like this was the really good stuff. It felt like we were both sensitive to these feelings of connection, but I fear that it meant we were also very sensitive to the other side of the coin, and it wouldn't take long until that thought of "being even closer" would hijack us and we'd be in the same situation again and stuck in that passion cycle.

For so long, the main reasoning we could come up with for the disharmony between us was our childhood traumas coming together harshly. No matter how we tried to address these issues, it always failed and eventually "it's not meant to be" was the only thing that made sense, despite how much we wanted to live a life together. It's taken some real heartache and losing my favourite person to understand how different approaches to intimacy and sex may help bring about harmony in a relationship.

I enjoy reading the experiences of others and wanted to share mine too, so thank you for reading and thank you Marnia for the website and the book.



Thank you for being here and for

describing your experience so eloquently. I, too, found it comforting to know what was going on...even before I was successful in consistently approaching sex differently for better results.

I don't know if some of us are just more sensitive, or whether our "passionate neurochemical release" is just more powerful - thus producing more of a fallout. I do know that it's frustrating that scientists aren't doing a better job of delving into this.

That said, having experienced first-hand the resentment of sexologists who are flat out unwilling to question their (supposedly) sex-positive myths for long enough to investigate the neuroendocrine effects (and aftereffects) of climax, or even internet porn use, I guess we should be amazed at the amount of evidence that is quietly piling up. Perhaps someday its implications for lovers will also be properly investigated.

Meanwhile, I hope you may soon experience the pleasure of karezza. It's really not a bad "consolation prize." I-m so happy

Is it too late to educate your ex? You could ask her what she thinks of the book as a way to open the dialog. Or start with this short item: Why Stop Orgasm Research at Climax? Sounds like you two had a lot going for you.

Glad to be here

Thank you for the reply Marnia.

It sure can be frustrating, because it is actually something that can be easily tried and tested in a short amount of time - but no one knows about it! I really hope it reaches more people.

Being more sensitive to the feelings or having a more intense "passionate neurochemical release" certainly sound like viable explanations to what could be going on. I know that my ex and I are both sensitive people and interestingly, I brought up post-orgasm difficulties on a forum for those that identify as highly sensitive people, and both men and women responded with similar results. However, I certainly don't think this is unique to sensitive people and it may just be that the more sensitive folk have a greater chance of being aware of the more subtle sensations (although they sometimes don't seem so subtle!).

With regards to speaking with my ex, it's been a few months since we had spoken, but I decided to mention the book in a message to her the other day and how I thought things may have been affecting us - just mentioning the lust and passion overriding our desire for more gentle bonding behaviours that seem important in keeping things more stable. It would be great if it made sense to her too, but I understand the extreme hesitance she has to new solutions now, because we've thought we could make it work with a new approach many times before without success. We were both aware that we threw ourselves in fully and the passion clouded our sanity and ability to approach things with more thought and we tried to take things slower, but we never had any method or techniques to avoiding the madness, other than hoping sheer will would see us through. Having a method and structure to approaching this is very helpful, so thank you again for the book :)

That makes sense

Perhaps it's more a matter of willingness to observe, or even experience with self-observation. Truth is, I didn't see it in myself until (1) I saw it in partners and (2) a friend also said she suspected women might be affected too based on her experience. I've never thought of myself as highly-sensitive.

Hope your ex is open to a new approach.

I had the same experience,

I had the same experience, down to the sparks-between-fingers before we were intimate. To this day I can't tell if t the passion cycle was the problem, or if they were simply a psychopath. Some things like cheating etc complicate our interaction on their side of things - I guess this wasn't part of your dynamic. I tried to bring the idea of Karezza into things, but it wasn't what they wanted.

Best of luck finding someone you can do this with. Not enough people understand it.

Thank you for the reply :)

Like you, I'm not sure it can all be put on the passion cycle, but I was able to observe that all our neuroses were greatly amplified by our somewhat dysfunctional approach to sex.

I wish you luck in finding this type of relationship as well.

It's worth it

I hope she gives the book a try. Bonding is difficult to initially get excited about in the world of 140 characters. My wife was extremely hesitant at first and it took a couple of years before she was open to an honest go at it. And, to be fair, I have my issues with hungry touch and getting lost as soon as the clothes come off. It's normal, natural and it's what we have to be vigilant about if we'd like to get anywhere with bonding.

Another user on here awhile back used the analogy of "escape velocity." It takes time and the willingness to forgo the momentary bliss of sex to get the permanence of bonding.

I sincerely wish you the best in your journey. Pursuing this is well worth whatever initial efforts it entails.

Alex - Maryland, USA.

Thank you

I appreciate the comment. I have managed to open some dialogue with her, but have yet to discuss our approach to sex in any great detail yet.

Does your wife enjoy Karezza now?