It’s been a while since most of the (us) porn guys splintered into the multitude of sites on that topic. While I’ve visited some of those sites, I’ve not blogged/journalled/etc. on them. I tend to be private, probably to my detriment. I'm not sure why I blogged as I have here. Perhaps I somehow seperated myself from the content.
When driving, it's helpful to look where you want to go and not be too myopic about where the car is or seems to be heading. I've been trying to shift lately on not explicitly avoiding PMO as much as anything that takes a numbing form. This method is not working so well. Unlike driving, life has no road and things are non-linear. Still, I'm finding my brain is trying harder than ever to get me into whatever mischief it can. A logical conclusion is to find something to focus toward rather than to focus on avoidance.
I’m experiencing the return of (perhaps) subconscious sexuality-related brain worms. These came about suddenly just upon waking. I wake up a bit jarred. Today, I started to get them at times when going about my day. These are the sort of brain worms that could easily cause all sorts of acting out and ultimately perception shifts. These seem primarily a revival of older brain worms, though perhaps with a different intensity. I started doing some yoga again early last week, after a hiatus, just before these brain worms surfaced. I know yoga can cause some strange things.
Must I surrender in the sense that entirely giving up PMO and especially MO isn't possible for me without bonding? I'm not sure what the point is in going on fighting and watching. I can't force bonding to happen. That not happening then feeds the PMO madness. It can turn into an ugly cycle. Sure, to most people what's the big deal if one MOs here or there. Someone will say try scheduled M. All well and good, except there seems so much to be gained from giving it up entirely. Despite that, the journey inevitably hits a snag somewhere, at one day, one month, or several months.
If you settle with me, then the past is dropped. It is difficult and hard to drop the past, but unless you drop the past, the mind will never allow you freedom. The mind is your past; the whole accumulated past is your mind. Drop the past, and these moments will penetrate to the very core. And you will not think about "more," because you think about more only when these moments have not penetrated to the core. When they have penetrated to the core, there is nothing more. And when there is nothing more, there is bliss and benediction.
It’s hard to believe two years have gone by. The many hours not spent on porn and instead spent here, reading offline, and trying to do many things to find some way out of my rabbit hole. As with last year, porn seems so far away and yet always near as if I’m stuck in active duty mode. Vigilance and fight or flight are exhausting. The tour of duty is too long. No wonder computers are making us mad. We just can’t escape the ever-present nearness of the falling bombs (even if they are friendly emails).
The abyss between the extremes seems to a bit too bumpy for me to find adequate centeredness. I’m emotionally watching as I feel joy, sadness, or whatever else comes up during the day. It seems that anxiety and other stress responses are triggered while swinging between these dualities. It’s more joyful to feel not-joy than the numb and wild middle. That’s progress it seems as I’m wiring to bring self and no self together. However, this middle is often somewhat awful now, perhaps because it seems to be a form of out of control flight.