freedom's blog

Dates can throw one for a loop

Submitted by freedom on

This part of dating seems astonishing to me. How do potential partners trigger us so much? I've been whacked all day and eating junk to subconsciously try not to confront the triggers I can't quite identify. I don't even know if this is good or bad. While common, this round seems to be worse. How do people go on a new date every night? I guess they go on shorter, simpler dates that are less intense. I've never been good at that as my dates are better defined in quarter turn of the clock units than hours. They could last forever except someone has to go home or is exhausted.

Dialing back busyness

Submitted by freedom on

As part of my socializing diet, I’m also trying to do less. I can plan more than any human can do and then that collapses at some point. I wear myself out. In that void, everything addictive can take hold.

This is surprisingly difficult. Perhaps I’m addicted to socializing as an escape or just for the novelty. I’m not socializing in the social butterfly sense. It’s more an intimacy quest that fails much of the time. I rarely go back to the same place twice, though there are exceptions for perhaps their own addictive reasons.

My dopamine master

Submitted by freedom on

We're such mysteries. Whatever shifted early this year sent me down a journey of seeking dopamine in what I guess might be a less traditional or non-genital masturbating context. There need not be any orgasm involved, though it sometimes happens. There's not really a fantasy. It sometimes doesn't involve the penis. It's shifted around, probably for novelty reasons. I suspect I'm getting an even larger dopamine hit than with porn. Though perhaps not because to some extent body-based masturbation isn't bad. It's hard to know given the trickiness of self-observation.

I’m tired

Submitted by freedom on

I mean deeply tired. Too tired to stay in myself and resist a sense that I’m being evicted from myself. I need a break and yet I don’t know what that means. How can one put this growth on pause for a bit and let a natural course evolve? Is this a natural course? Breakthroughs lead to more breakthroughs, abstinence to more abstinence, and relapse to more relapse. It’s an exhausting process. Maybe it’s because it’s all I really have at the moment. Without this, life would be just about empty. Maybe this is aging and has nothing to do with this here.

Socializing diet

Submitted by freedom on

Has anyone tried intentional periods of no socializing? I've adjusted my life to be a lot more social than in other times in the sense of trying to find groups I might like and like-minded people. For the most part, it's been a dismal failure and unsatisfying so I'm thinking about trying a contrary approach that hopefully won't atrophy my social muscles. It might look something like this. I will not seek socializing or go to any group events/meetings/meetups etc. unless personally? invited. Instead, I will focus on quality interactions in daily life.

Exes and triggers

Submitted by freedom on

The topic of prior partners/dates/exes/etc. and triggers comes up from time to time. I've noticed this can be a pattern for me. I've not been able to fully tease this apart. I can't tell if it's something about who she was that triggers me or something about who I am or how I handled my part of the relationship. While a new relationship would smooth over some of this, I'm curious as to how to understand this better. At times, it fades and then out of nowhere it all comes back in some new variant.

On goallessness

Submitted by freedom on

I've been processing some heavy emotions dredged up by some volunteering I did. Initially, I was placing much too much pressure on myself to process that in some preconceived way. It was positively awful. The experience was perhaps heavier than the emotions. I felt I was failing at something I have little control over. Then last night I realized I wasn't living this out by my values. I decided it was ok to go as far into the heaviness as I wanted to or needed to. However, I didn't have to.