I can be too good at entertaining myself. This has always been the case even as a child and before the internet. I was fine playing with children or playing alone. This seems to have morphed into a life of seemingly limitless self-created distractions. This might be fed by our modern life. I’d be a pretty distracted off-grid hermit, monk, etc. I’d probably prefer off-grid distractions even though the aimless process would be the same. Perhaps this is like crashing software in which the code can run through various loops and not escape or get the desired task done.
I don’t think I have problems with self-love. Yet, I can be harsh on myself. I was thinking how little I did this past week (and year-to-date). It’s true. However, in reality I did a lot. I was fighting being sick some of the week. I did so many self-care things that I’m shifting as much as one can possibly expect to in one week. I tried several new things and I’m building a fitness routine that is taking a good deal of time. Maybe it isn’t practical to do much outer work while also doing heavy inner work. Many others appear to function.
I’m in general partial to waiting. It’s rare that I find things I chase. This dynamic can be good and bad. In a digital world where there is less sensory input there is even less that I chase and it can make doing anything challenging.
The forum is closed at the moment so this can't go under inspiration. I've tagged it "Quotes" which might be the preferred method. I read a fortune cookie seemingly inspired by something Native American. The original was: "Woman's intuition like feather on arrow. May help flight to truth." I modified it:
"Karezza like feather on arrow may help flight to love."
I get rather clear messages from people to lighten up (goes with them sometimes seeing me as too deep, dark, etc.). I have mixed thoughts about this. Perhaps I'm missing something. Most of what seems to be a serious me is in fact light. I'm almost wired differently. I'm light when others are serious and serious when others are light. I was made for disaster I guess. Or maybe I adapted to that somehow. I'm not sure why we associate being light with being positive. They seem distinct to me. I'm also not sure why anything less than positive is bad.
At some point today, I felt so cerebral that my head hurt. My eyes felt like bolt heads to bolts that had be torqued just right into my mushy brain. Going out a bit helped. This doesn't feel human despite it being fully so. We're slave drivers at times. I had a busy day in which by plausible accounts absolutely nothing was accomplished. I can't sit at the computer so much. Would being a farmer with weather-polished skin be better? I even started out right by going to a group setting and running errands on the way home.
I notice incredible heart energy present at times in my dream / lucid dream state. I say heart because I don’t know how else to describe it. It’s linked to sexual energy but not inherently sexual. I interact in ways that I’m not sure my conscious being could actually execute. The energy seems to morph the interactions in a fluid dance. Hesitancy or doubt of any form is gone. Vulnerability is absolute. Love is pure. Each step reinvigorates the process as if tiring is impossible. When I get into this world, I often don’t want to get out of bed because that will end the magic.
Whatever strangeness entered my life at roughly the end of last year seems to be hitting me in weird ways. For example, I've watched far less movies lately than in past years. Yet in the past few days, I've watched two. One I vaguely knew about as I liked the title. One is a foreign film I'd never heard about and randomly selected. Both strike at major points of my life . I've been noticing how my diet has been getting sloppy and how it's connected to these same aspects of my life.
I'm feeling very out of it as if the world is drifting by and I'm watching from some other place. I have much unattended to business that I need to deal with. Yet, I accomplish little these days while the work mounts. Some days I'm not even sure where the day seems to go. This must be withdrawal in some form. It's frustrating. There seems some aspect of seeking and maybe even knowing what I seek, but yet feeling a disconnect between needs and reality. My brain is stuck in seeking mode. It won't move on so I can get work done.
I’m reasonably good at getting some initial interest from others in me. However, it often doesn’t get to a second interaction or to a first interaction if we initially met online.