This blog is going to part of many actions to control and eliminate my porn watching and masturbation habit. I have tried many times to stop and find it easy enough for a few days or for a week or two when on holiday, but once in front of a computer I always return to what feels like a sweet and deserved embrace of this lethal spider.
I have masturbated since puberty (13 or 14 and I am 45 now) and didn't feel like it was under control even then. I had a general anxiety as a child (probably from a bullying environment at school and home and parents who although loving on therir terms lacking quite a bit in empathy and parenting skills) but I wouldn't have called it anxiety or general anxiety. I would have called it shyness, inhibition, trouble getting to sleep and funny horrible feelings in my stomach going to school or when my dad was demanding something of me or putting conditions on things he would do for me. ('you can go on the school trip if you paint the fence' etc).
My first wank seemed to solve the sleeping problem. I looked forward to going to bed every day now instead of fearing it. But it effected my sleeping hours as I immediately noticed I was tired from staying up later (sometimes to sneak glamour photography books or mags out to gaze at while i rubbed myself.- Hard to believe that photography magazines where the porn for teenagers in early 80's but they did me fine for a few years, until I had the courage and looks to buy porn at a corner shop.
I felt I had joined the grown ups but pretty soon my friends were having sex and I was having none. I just wanked every night before sleep until I had a my first sexual relationship at 19. Even then I would wank on the days between meeting up. I wondered if I could stop and I couldn't. I was concerned but no overly. I wanked when I shared a room, in Youth Hostel Dorms, while camping. I just was able to gently tug, fantasise and come into a tissue. Nice, neat and clean. Sometimes the orgasm would be pitiful and I would feel unsatisfied but it didn't stop me. I occasionally bought Porn Mags, Penthouse, Club, fairly softcore and I did not like being seen to like porn. I kept it secret. Much of the stuff that male friends put on the video was fairly easy for me to distance myself from, the sort of stuff held under the counter at corner shops or found in parents bottom drawers. The girls weren't that nice. the editing crap and unnatural. But I was really fascinated. It just didn't sit with my fairly romantic, fantasy of how sex with women should be. But occasionally I would get a major desire to wank and would purchase mags and wank furiously to Orgasm, 2 or three times in succession. I once found my self in a Porn cinema in Cologne (disgusting clients but good porn) and a video booth sex shop in Cape Town. Both times the sight of the establishments had built up an unstoppable desire to visit over a couple of days. Needless to day I felt dirty and sullied afterwards and disappointed I was not the man I thought I was.
This was it for years. Girlfriends came and went and sex got good after initial fumbling- I was often ED for the first few sessions. Then in my thirties I started to get ED regularly, particularly around condoms. Getting a condom on was a mad rush as I lost stiffness quickly unless inside her and thrusting. This made sex a bit of an anxiety zone and I struggled to regain my previosu confidence. A fair bit of medical attention (counselling etc) ended up with me on an SSRI at 34. I had instance ejaculation problems. I was horrified that this was going to be a 6 month, 12 month who knows how long problem. I spoke to my GP but got no where. At this time I was back at UNI on a masters and on broadband and this magical thing the internet. One day a innocuous search term brought up a video site where girls had someone come on their face. It is hard to put into words what emotions this raised in me. I could not believe it, I couldn't believe women were like that. I wanted to meet one! Unfortunately it wasn't long before I was staying late in the computer room to masturbate. Oh the shame! But this made me come and thanks to the SSRIs I hadn't been able to come with out furious, cock chaffing, headache inducing, foreskin swelling self stimulation.
Later when I got my own internet connection I fell into this pit of despair induced my mindless searching for hours, first pictures, then clips, then thru' file sharing scratchy videos and now HD video of Japanese hardcore. If I abstain for 7 days (about my limit so far in 2 or three years of trying) the pull is there and the orgasm significantly better than with my girlfriend.
So I have tried not searching for Covers or pictures and having a ready supply of videos so I can just spend 10mins on the habit, but every now and then I am up until 2am and 3 am. (And I have done this with my girlfriend in bed in the same room!!). She thinks i am such a good worker. Unfortunately I have suffered at work through tiredness and actually have probably lost a job over it and been made redundant form another. I have lost and engagement and am separated from my wife. I cannot say that it is not unrelated but of course there were other things involved too.
So here goes. One day at a time, lets aim for 60 days at this time. Wish me luck, encourage me, love me. I hope I can be of help to others. That's one reason I have decided to write this blog. The other is that I want to record this as I made a promise to kill myself if I can't crack this in a year.