Gemlou's blog

Submitted by gemlou78 on
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I'm starting a blog about our experience.
Background -
I found out my H is a PA over a month ago. We are currently separated. Both attending separate counselling with the hope that eventually we'll do couples counselling and get our marriage back on track.
It's been a massive shock to me and brought back a lot of my own past pain (sexual abuse age 12 and eating disorder and self harm that followed the abuse). I feel I'm over the self harm now the initial shock has passed but I'm really struggling with feeling violated knowing he's used me as a vessel for P fantasy.
I came across this site from YBOP and we're both glad I found it.
H is currently day 50 of no p or MB.
We're 2 weeks past the two weeks of genital massage.
We're both communicating our feelings and engage in bonding behaviour daily.
The times we've tried karezza intercorse has been varied.
We tend to end up dancing on the edge with too much movement but not in the old mating way.
We've had maybe one or two connections where it's definitely been more karezza like.
We've experienced the 'cant stop touching eachother' days etc.
Because we're dealing with trauma (mostly mine) my moods/insecurity if they're prominent tend to disconnect us slightly but on those days we're still trying hard to engage in hugs etc..but the can't get enough of eachother feelings disappear for me anyway.

We want to be able to still, we've realised that we need to first master this and not expect the 'energy transfer' to happen straight away.
We are both committed to wanting this to work.
A few days ago I said to H if he wanted to finish since it had been some time he could. He didn't want to, having read what we have and experienced the strong bond at times he didn't want to risk it. I felt proud of him for that. Problem is he is so scared of going over the edge that he stops a lot and pulls out to press his perineum to make sure he doesn't. So we really do need to master being still. He doesn't like going soft in stillness because it slips out.
So that's where we're up to right now.



Had a very difficult few days

Had a very difficult few days. Came as a real surprise because my emotions were so extreme. I'm not in the 2 week post O it's all purely feelings of hurt/betrayal/anger.

During these turbulent days I've avoided eye contact when not quizzing H about his PA. We've tried the odd hug but very few and quite awkward.

So last night we read the bonding behaviours again and took turns cradling eachothers heads and torsos. Engaged in prolonged eye gazing. We also listened to eachothers heartbeats. It definitely helped soothe us both and I'm feeling calmer today. More able to see my feelings objectively rather than feeling out of control amidst them all cycling.

So we chatted about how I feel that 'dancing around the edge' heated karezza is not helping me with healing. In fact I think despite us not O'ing it makes it worse for me when the hurt comes crashing down. He understands and so we've decided to concentrate on building up non sexual bonding to really try to get our oxytocin up. I felt truly comforted last night because there was absolutely no intent or expectation to become heated in any way. Getting heated even without o has been denying me( and him too probably) that true comfort.

So I'm not sure how long we'll stay in the non sexual bonding behaviours but for now it's where we need to be.

Sounds like a good plan

Those bonding behaviors are powerful. And if you let them do their work they will gently, safely bring up everything that needs to be cleared between you for genuine harmony.

Just try to make sure you allow at least a minute of cuddling a day. Not just an icy hug or two. As one of my favorite books says, when you feel resentful, ask yourself, "Do I want to be happy or do I just want to feel right by making him wrong?"

That's great.

That's great. Keep up with these bonding behavior everyday for some time. Not one or two icy hug as Marnia said. Try holding and caressing each other for at least a minute when hugging. Eye gazing, hearing heartbeats, lip locking are really good bonding activities I think. I really think things will get perfect between you very soon. Trust and love will get back even more strongly.

For advice to your hubby's stillness, when you make love, try a position that doesn't offer much movement. Me and my wife make love in sideways face to face position. Though we start with missionary, we move to that position. Missionary incites me to start moving. If your husband feels going soft during stillness, he can start moving for moments to bring back the erection. For us, we kiss a lot and embrace and caress each other rather than thrusting. Erection comes and melts on its own but I always have somewhat snake like erection to stay inside and conform into her. Try to treat and make your lovemaking as one of your bonding activities. It is indeed, the most powerful and intimate bonding act at least for us.

Thanks, it's nice to hear

Thanks, it's nice to hear someone see a positive outcome for our situation. I want that more than anything it's just finding a way to achieve it with the extreme feelings it's thrown up and things from my past its brought to the forefront.

We've made a promise to engage in the non sexual bonding behaviours each day. Not in an icy way. That feels easier to do now my anger cycle has subsided. I'm still left with the ever present hurt/upset etc but without the anger added in I'm more able to give and receive non sexual comfort.

It scares me because I know at some point the anger could resurface..I don't want it too so I'm going to arrange to see a psychologist to try to find tools to help me with situations and thought processes that trigger me.

I'm going to keep up the guided meditation. He is too. To try and aid calm so that we can continue our bonding behaviours hopefully without too much unwanted unsettling emotions getting in the way.

We both want this to work so much.

It takes time

for trust to rebuild itself. This is normal, so don't make yourself wrong. But you can do the bonding behaviors in the meantime. Treat them as medicine for you.

And if there were past times that your husband was there for you, switch your thoughts to those memories - after acknowledging your anger when it comes up.

In other words,  acknowledge your anger and then consciously move your attention to something he has done that you appreciate. That will help you keep things in perspective. He's a good person who did something lame, not a lame person who might transform into a good person.

That said, the bonding behaviors are the real medicine. They take time, but they can really clean up messes.


Welcome. I can realize what a blessing it is to have a wonder spouse and family. It's a pleasure to come to any kind of assistance to someone who is trying to achieve that.

Keep up your bonding behaviors which is the real medicine that can heal your wounds. And try to be bit more forgiving to your husband. He did wrong but still he is your soul mate and its you who can make him right in that regard. Embrace him with your love and he will certainly find true happiness only in you again. Best wishes...