I'm starting a blog about our experience.
I found out my H is a PA over a month ago. We are currently separated. Both attending separate counselling with the hope that eventually we'll do couples counselling and get our marriage back on track.
It's been a massive shock to me and brought back a lot of my own past pain (sexual abuse age 12 and eating disorder and self harm that followed the abuse). I feel I'm over the self harm now the initial shock has passed but I'm really struggling with feeling violated knowing he's used me as a vessel for P fantasy.
I came across this site from YBOP and we're both glad I found it.
H is currently day 50 of no p or MB.
We're 2 weeks past the two weeks of genital massage.
We're both communicating our feelings and engage in bonding behaviour daily.
The times we've tried karezza intercorse has been varied.
We tend to end up dancing on the edge with too much movement but not in the old mating way.
We've had maybe one or two connections where it's definitely been more karezza like.
We've experienced the 'cant stop touching eachother' days etc.
Because we're dealing with trauma (mostly mine) my moods/insecurity if they're prominent tend to disconnect us slightly but on those days we're still trying hard to engage in hugs etc..but the can't get enough of eachother feelings disappear for me anyway.
We want to be able to still, we've realised that we need to first master this and not expect the 'energy transfer' to happen straight away.
We are both committed to wanting this to work.
A few days ago I said to H if he wanted to finish since it had been some time he could. He didn't want to, having read what we have and experienced the strong bond at times he didn't want to risk it. I felt proud of him for that. Problem is he is so scared of going over the edge that he stops a lot and pulls out to press his perineum to make sure he doesn't. So we really do need to master being still. He doesn't like going soft in stillness because it slips out.
So that's where we're up to right now.