i can't seem to shake the jerking it. but masturbation has changed. it is more focused on tactile sensations rather than fantasies. My self-esteem is not in check at all. I am trying to work on it, but it fluctuates so god damn much. I feel pleasure coming back though. I still suck at feeling insecure with the girl I'm seeing. I realize now that this is a pattern with me, and has been ever since I started with girls. I question/look for evidence that they don't like me. I just want to be ready. The thought that keeps coming up is "i'd rather be prepared than surprised". I hate this way of thinking, but it overtakes me. I don't like it. It's not healthy.
In other news, I've been trying to network like crazy. I realized taht my past depression prevented me from creating an active life for myself. I'm chaning that now. I'm re-establishing old connections, trying to rebuild my social life, and doing more with myself. Today, I had a business meeting and then drove to the beach. Alone. Then I jumped in. I slashed around, enjoyed the sun, the coolness of the ocean, the people...and then I just took off. It was so awesome and rewarding. I rated it a 8/10 pleasure in the experience. And I was alone! Anyway, if I could start believing in myself and create an active life, then the sky is the limit. The main thing is tackling my insecurity. I have a tentative plan for this - talking with someone close about how things are going.
I'm saying yes to everything now. I don't care if I go alone, and I don't care how far away it is. I'm drinking less (it's expensive), and doing more. This week I'm driving into the city to meet a friend (contact). I can't wait. Fuck alcohol, trade that shit for gas money and drive somewhere!