I've realized way too many things about myself - I have a tendency to quit too soon. I've always been told I was smart growing up, and I am starting to understand how this has flattened my resolve. I've grown up to think that some how "it will all work out in the end". This is false. Life won't "take care of you" - no one will. This marks a pretty low point for me, because I am starting to see how this flaw has messed up my life. My ego has really pulled one over me. Needless to say, I'm disgusted with myself, and I can't really handle the reality - that I'm just average/below average. It's a tough pill to swallow, but I think I'll learn from the experience. I'm truly experiencing something - the realization that I've failed and not invested in my life. My friends are passing me by. And for some reason I had thought that I would be catching up with them. Not so. I am falling behind and that's because I give up/walk away when things get dificult. I've done with in many, many, many instances of my life, and I'm just now starting to see it. I feel like I'm truly starting over for the first time.
Over the past two months, I've probably watched porn no more than 4 times with MO - and several times just "watching". Even though it's reduced, I still don't feel well. I'm seeing a girl, and I can't feel a connection with her sometimes. I don't know why she likes me really. I've lied to myself for so long about who I really am, and I'm just now realizing how false it was. My self-image is breaking, and though I think it's a positive thing, I'm feeling the crush of it emotionally. Going from thinking you're great to realizing that you're just an average guy who never tried that hard for much and as a result is just living a sad life, who isn't making much money. I'm sick.
Anyway, although the porn is greatly reduced, the little I have used it has affected my relationship with her. The times we've had sex were nice, but I didn't feel that much - although I have had no erection problems. There's just no "passion" there for me. I've felt this before, so I konw it can only be one thing. On the flip side, I have no ED problems. I can't get off with a BJ or HJ, but I did cum once with penetration over the weekend....and that was pretty effortful.
No P: 7 days No MO: 1 day