Up N Down (day 31)

Submitted by getmeout on
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So the energy I felt before is gone. No morning glory, ah, sad. I feel internally calm. I've recently learned what bonding means, and what sexual attraction means. I still feel motivated, and I do things without trying. I'm seeing the girl tonight. I'm nervous. Weird though, I've been seeing her since the beginning of the year and I felt nervous 0 times until now. I started feeling nervous when we told eachother how we felt about us. So, I can feel stuff inside of me now. I feel bonded, but it's a scary feeling. It feels intense. Before, I would wake up thinking about her and what I wanted to do to her. Now, I just feel like I want to be around her. I feel like a wuss actually. So I have to figure out the difference between feeling bonded, and being a wuss. In the past I felt this way, and when I would allow myself, it wouldn't go so well. I've since learned some things, but I'm still hesitant.

Anyway, I'm seeing her tonight. We had talked about getting together and getting a hotel room. But my little guy isn't ready for it yet - at least I don't think. I guess we can just put it off. I don't know why I have this feeling of sadness over me. It's weird. I'm going to listen to some music. I'm still not healed yet - I have a ways to go! I have all this built up worry about tonight - this is normally not how I do things. Normally, I just go with it and don't feel nervous. Now I do. This is a girl I've already seen naked too - well, close to it. I'm scared of this emotion.

31 NP 21 NMO


it feels

scary. i'm afraid of what i feel. I feel a strong connection, but i'm afraid of what it might mean. I'm afraid of this phase - of the possibility of being hurt. I try to put a strong front on, but I am really just scared of the consequences. I guess I need to get used to this feeling. It's very intense. I've felt it before, but I was able to numb the intensity with porn. This feels crazy. I'm mixed up. I like her alot, but I'm just unsure of what it means. I don't know what to say to her to make her understand.

like I feel like I'm wide

like I feel like I'm wide open - and it doesn't feel good. i'm starting to have genuine feelings for someone that doesn't relate to sex. what if she looks away? i know this sounds lame, it sounds like a love-struck wuss, but, this isn't some "nice guy" falling in love with the first girl who smiles at him. I'm usually careful. I've realized that I don't like to get too close. If I get close, then I might get really hurt. I guess that's the beauty to it, and I'm just not used to all of this. Life is weird.