So the energy I felt before is gone. No morning glory, ah, sad. I feel internally calm. I've recently learned what bonding means, and what sexual attraction means. I still feel motivated, and I do things without trying. I'm seeing the girl tonight. I'm nervous. Weird though, I've been seeing her since the beginning of the year and I felt nervous 0 times until now. I started feeling nervous when we told eachother how we felt about us. So, I can feel stuff inside of me now. I feel bonded, but it's a scary feeling. It feels intense. Before, I would wake up thinking about her and what I wanted to do to her. Now, I just feel like I want to be around her. I feel like a wuss actually. So I have to figure out the difference between feeling bonded, and being a wuss. In the past I felt this way, and when I would allow myself, it wouldn't go so well. I've since learned some things, but I'm still hesitant.
Anyway, I'm seeing her tonight. We had talked about getting together and getting a hotel room. But my little guy isn't ready for it yet - at least I don't think. I guess we can just put it off. I don't know why I have this feeling of sadness over me. It's weird. I'm going to listen to some music. I'm still not healed yet - I have a ways to go! I have all this built up worry about tonight - this is normally not how I do things. Normally, I just go with it and don't feel nervous. Now I do. This is a girl I've already seen naked too - well, close to it. I'm scared of this emotion.
31 NP 21 NMO