New Phase (Day 29)

Submitted by getmeout on
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29 NP / 19 NMO
Pro
-Feel "calm"
-More interested in girls
-Able to hold eye contact easily (before I felt off)
-Feel more comfortable socially
-Check out girls/hold eye contact without feeling a rush (the one that makes you turn away)
-no desperation for sex (before all i could think about was how I wasn't getting any and everyone else was - I would go out with friends and "look" for girls - now, I simply don't give a fuck)
-no desperation to meet girls (i had this before)

Con
-mood still fluctuating but more stable
-increased desire to O (intense)
-problems focusing (related to thinking about O)
-Geting spontaneous attacks of serious insecurity, which then mellows out
-still getting depersonalization (yesterday)
-lower energy today (was high a few days ago)

Other: I think I'm addicted to the internet. In fact, I'm pretty sure. I knew right away last night when I got home. I had left my computer in my dad's car, and he wasn't home yet. I felt my head "craving" to go on the computer. I didn't have anything to do either. So I helped cook dinner, but I still felt a need to be online. I sat through dinner, and tried to stay longer (normally I just leave). Normally, I would spend the evening on the computer after dinner, but I didn't. I'm starting to see this as part of the problem. Learning how to be aware of your physical/psychological sensations (something this reboot has taught me). So now, I try to "feel" where the sensation is coming from - this seems to help. Just focusing on the feeling instead of all the thoughts surrounding it.

Girls: I go through intense insecurity with her, and then it mellows out and I feel more comfortable. I'll keep this updated.

Lessons

-Prolonged fantasies don't help. Even about girls you're into. They get you going, and the problem is you can't do much about it. For example, I kept thinking/fantasizing about the girl I'm seeing - but it didn't help me, so I just put it off.

PS I should say that each day is a struggle - not the temptation, just the whole process. The mood changes, the lows, the highs, etc. It has never felt easy. But I've learned about myself immensely. The patterns I've had with girls. For example, I've always had a need to go out and start talking to another girl while I was seeing someone. It wasn't that I wanted to cheat - I was just afraid that the first was going to leave - so at the moment of insecurity, I acted out. It wasn't the girl, it was me. I've been trying to focus on the sensation of insecurity - I'm still learning.

Comments

The self-knowledge you're gaining

will...ultimately make it all worthwhile. Moodswings and weird moments are normal...but annoying.

My sense is that if you spend more time connecting with real people, the lure of cyberspace in all its guises will be less. See what you notice.