Reflections (Day 38)

Submitted by getmeout on
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This morning, reflected on my porn use and how it has affected my life. I cried for a while. It was done so much bad for me. Depression, feeling worthless and insecure. I couldn't connect with any girl or woman in a serious way. Even when I knew I was addicted, I would try to not watch porn for a week if I knew I had a date. I knew that I would be "out of it" if I did. I would go out to bars to "meet girls" and if I had watched porn, I just wasn't there. I was numb, unfunny, cautious and insecure. It has destroyed my life so much.

All those days of lonliness and wondering why I couldn't have somebody had everything to do with obsessive use. I would spend hours and hours watching it. 6 hours, 8 hours, the whole day. If I had a day off, I would have a "morning session" - whenever i woke up to lunch time. and then an afternoon session where I watched the rest of the day. During this time, I craved so much to be loved and to love. To have someone. I didn't have a girlfriend in college. I didn't come close. My friends were always perplexed why. I'm friendly, outgoing, and charismatic. I'm good-looking, and there were always girls around me. Clearly they liked me. I remember several of them making excuses to be around me. Looks and glances that barely registered. There was a girl I sat next to in class who strongly implied to go out. I couldn't respond.

And the whole time I thought something was wrong with me. I just felt like I couldn't connect with them. It destroyed my life.

I went through a minor breakup yesterday. It wasn't too serious or bad. But it hurt. A girl I started to open up to and care for (first in a long time) shut me out. It was for the best. I've learned a good deal while being with her - about myself. I know what qualities I'm looking for. Most of all, I need a girl who accepts and loves herself before she loves me. If she does this, outside factors won't matter as much.

I blamed myself because I opened up and it hurt. But now, I'm not bitter. I'm a latin lover! That's me. That will always be me. I'm proud that I'm a romantic. The way I think, believe, and see life is based upon freedom of yourself. I'm realizing that most people don't think this way. A lot of girls aren't free - they feel bad about themselves, feel pressured to be with someone who their friends will approve of.

I found that when I was falling for this girl, my dreams became more distant. I thought that if we fell in love, I could wait longer to travel, and then we could travel the world together. Not every girl is like this. Not every person is like this. And that's ok. It has taken years for me to become this free and open and honest. It was a difficult process, and if I didn't have the specific experience I have had, I may never have found the answer to freedom. I choose it though. Looking for love isn't the answer. Just be who you are. If you are, you'll find the person because they were already walking on the same path because they thought the same way.

For example, many of my friends are successful and travel frequently. We connect and understand eachother because we see the worthlessness of working and making a paycheck. It brings no happiness. It just confines you to more purchases. You meet the most interesting people on the road. Why? Because those types of people are the ones who are dissatisfied and follow their dreams.

Follow your dreams and yourself, and you'll find someone who is doing the same along side you.

Cheers friends. Keep up the journey.

NP 38 Days NMO 28 Days