The girl and I are going to talk. I feel at peace, though I'm a little sad. I feel like I was able to let go and be better about all of this. It hurt and was very painful for a few days, but the pain is subsiding. I do not want to get even, I do not want to see other girls. I just want to sit, and feel, and let it all pass away. She will always hold a special place in my heart. I realized that I don't have to push her out like that. I'm not trying to "forget her". I do not regret this. To me, life is built on simple moments. I shared a few with her that I will always cherish. I'm accepting all of this as the way things will be. If it wasn't for the teaching of Alan Watts, I don't know where I'd be now. Let go and let things be the way they will be - don't try to exert your will on your reltionships. Don't try to get anything out of it.
I'm not trying to find another girl so I can forget about this one. That is not the way to go. I am reflecting, and learning. Though I'm sad, I am still dreaming. Sometimes life is sad, sometimes it hurts. During the two days when I was going through pain, I was in misery. But the misery lifted, and is lifting now. And now, after time, I can be her friend again, since we started as friends. And this experience I hope, will only strengthen that friendship. Because, friends, this is life, and it's short. Bitterness helps no one - it only makes people angry and it brings out the worst in them. Honesty and empathy are best. Don't disguise your emotions by being rude because you feel hurt or insecure - just be honest. No one will run away from you. I learned that reacting under pain is the worst you can do.
Girls are not what I'm looking for in this journey. Sex isn't the answer either. Just be - allow, and just be.
NP 39 NMO 29
I also learned that I'm able to control whether or not I will fantasize. The Red X technique is very useful. Fantasizing isn't too good during this process. I have no desire to be with girls right now. No physical attraction or emotional need. I just want to be away for a while and heal up.
EDIT: I thought I would be healed by now, but I'm just not. I thought nearly 40 days would do it, but there's so much more to go. I'm still flatlined, and I have no physical desire for women (or emotional).